~My Stalker~
Chapter 1:the beginning of my nightmare
hey my name is Sarah Beth i have beautiful red hair and gorgeous green hazel eyes and i am only 14 yrs. old and this story can get a little creepy! so anyway to my story.
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this all happened when i was 12 yrs. old i signed up for this website called myspace.com my bestfriend emily had one so my parents let me do what ever i want since i am filthy rich! so i signed up hooked it all up i posted cute beautiful pics of me and added emily her pics were way prettier than mine. so i got an email from a guy named carl and he looked about my age and the email said -
hey sexy! you look hot in those short shorts and that pink tank top!
and i was like - while messging him -
how did you know i was wearing all of this stuff! then the whole convo went on!
me- how did you know i was wearing this stuff??
Carl- cuz i can see you but you just cant see me!
so I closed all of my blinds and shut all the windows and locked the doors my parents went to Hawaii for a whole year so im home alone with my german shepard that is a dog! so i was watching not bothering to go on myspace and then someone threw a rock threw an open window that i forgot to shut! so i got the rock and a note was wrapped around it and i opened it and it said
"if you close that window ill blow up your house and ill kill emily and by the way go on to this site! its called kill you die in death.com"
so i went to the site and i saw videos of people dieing and i saw video that was being recorded right now and i saw a little girl i believe she was about ten yrs. old and was about to i believe die and i saw with my own eyes carl standing there this is the whole conversation-
Carl- so Tia why are you so sad?
Tia- because i don’t know why im here!
Carl- well ill be right back
Carl walked over to the computer and asked if anybody wanted to request on how she should die and then this one person said that "she should die by getting stabbed and while she is still breathing slice her throat! "then i was totally freaked out so i watched in horror as the lights and i could read her lips saying "help me!" and hen i heard her scream and she was getting stabbed and she was breathing heavily so she quickly died and everyone there cheered! i was scared that i was going to be next. so i didn’t feel like following his rule i closed my window and nothing happened so i took my dog - broadie - for a walk and went to the police and told them to go to this website called killyoudieindeath.com and so they said they will and i left with broadie back to my place when i got there so when i got there my lights in my house were on! were my parents home already?! no they are in Hawaii maybe the night maids were here anyway i went in the house it was deserted and i went upstairs to my room and laid on my bed until i heard a noise in the next room it sounded like someone opened the door and started to walk i was so scared i turned off my light and hid in my closet i grabbed my cell and called the police i told them someone was in my house and my parents were in Hawaii! and they sent someone over to look afer me for awhile until my parents came home i haven’t heard from Carl for over 10 months when my parents came home last month so i went up to my room after dinner and went on to im messenger i got a new email and of course it was from Carl! it read-
hey remember me gorgeous its me Carl im outside your window! come to the widow so i can tell you something! so i got up and crept open my window i saw no one and when i was about to close i a man in a dark mask grabbed me and i started to scream but he put his over my mouth and i was passed out i felt him throwing me in his car and i was blacked out for about 8 hours until morning came and i woke up in a very srange room then i heard Carl-
Carl- oh so you are finally up??
Sarah Beth- yea where am i???
Carl- you are in a abandoned house this is my place i call it home!
so when he closed his eyes for 2 minutes i grabbed a bat when i was about to hit him he quickly opened his eyes he grabbed the bat from me and hit me in the head i was of course again blacked out so he put me back up on the bed and brought emily into the room so he grabbed a pocket knife from his pocket and stabbed her then she passed out and of course didn’t die she was just blacked so i woke up and I stayed there.
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I agree with all of the above. I can't nitpick this because it would take way to long. My suggestion is to go to the Knowledge Base and look at some of the grammar and punctuation articles. If you fix it, I will review it.
This does have a lot of potential though.
Hey, Pretty 'n' Werewolf!
This looks like it has a lot of potential, but it is overshadowed by your grammar.
Review your basic knowledge of grammar. You hardly ever use commas, so almost all of your sentences are run-ons. This makes the story hard to read, and most reviewers will choose not to even read past the first sentence.
This is important: Always capitalize your I's!
Basically, review punctuation. If you edit this, I'll be glad to review it. However, there are simply too many errors at the moment to review it.
Sorry to be so harsh,
Sakura
PS-- Like Over Easy said, grammar is your friend!
Capitalization and Punctuation
...or in this case, the lack there of. Capitalize your "I's"... this is a must.
As for the rest of the punctuation, my answer is just fix it. There are far too many mistakes for me to nitpick it. I'll let someone else have that headache.
Content
This story moves rather quickly, you go from having some strange guy contacting you and telling you what you're wearing to him kidnapping you and taking you to an abandoned house. The language gives us an idea on how old you are, but honestly it's a touch hard to follow. You jump around a lot, and it's highly confusing.
I suggest taking a breath, slowing down, and starting over.
Right now you have the base idea for a good story, but you need to slow it down and take your time with it, and of course, add in the proper punctuation and capitalization.
Hope this helped, always remember, grammar is your friend
--OverEasy
anyone like it?