Published April 23, 2016
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Hi, it's been a while since I've posted anything, I'm currently working on this novel and I would love some feedback! Thank you! :)
“Imah! Imah!Mom mom!” I shrieked from my bed. Before I knew it, both of my parents were in my room, my mom sitting on top of my duvet stroking my hair back. They sighed and this time my mom did not ask me why I called her Imah. That was in 1956. I was five years old then. I knew it upset my parents when I spoke to them about my dreams. As the years went on I stopped.
I'm 24 years old now, and I wish I could tell you the nightmares had stopped.
A lot of time went by, between the beginnings of my nightmares and the day I stopped talking about them. To anyone. Like I said, they upset my parents a lot. They took me to several child psychologists, and therapists, and even a hypnosis once. They asked me why I knew random words in Hebrew, or why it was so hard for me to call them mom and dad instead of Imah and Abba-leh. My parents spent a lot of time asking me questions, and at first I would smirk at them and tell them they were acting like silly Gentiles. That did not go over well with them either.
When I was 12 years old, I stopped talking about anything Jewish, I went to Sunday Mass with my parents like every good Catholic girl should do. I celebrated Christmas, I “accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.” It was really all a fascade for my parents. I knew had I told them truth about any of it, they would send me to a mental hospital or think I don't love them. My parents are really wonderful people. Bill and Susan Garner. My mother was a schoolteacher for 35 years and my father a retired doctor, who spent most of his adult life working at Mercy General Hospital. I had a really good childhood, looking from the outside. My parents always showered me with love, I on the other hand was not as kind to them. When I first began talking to them about how I was Jewish and they were not my parents, it really upset them. I think my mother even went through a period of depression. My parents would record me whenever I had these “episodes” as they liked to call them. It always upset me because I felt like some freak show, and I could not understand why they treated me like a child, and not an adult.
The child psychologist I used to see, her name was Lisa Oberman. The first time I met with her, she asked me questions about how I liked school, and if I heard the Hebrew words on the television. I talked to her like she was some kind of imbecile. “If I did not know Hebrew, how could I possibly read Torah?” Which was quite stupid of me because it just prompted her into asking me why I wanted to read Torah. Her stupid questions just made me scoff and scoff. This woman was a joke, and I had no idea why my parents brought me to her. Honestly, I think somewhere deep down I knew Bill and Susan Garner weren't my parents. But I always quieted those thoughts, because if they weren't my parents why was I living with them? The therapy sessions did not go over well, and I quickly began to stop going. I did not have my friends as a child either. I always asked my parents to allow me to go visit with Gretchen and Ira. Those were my best friends, and these kids in school were all so odd. And school was so odd. They didn't even teach Torah at this school.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
hi,
there is something about the story that felt rushed to me. Either way, you got me wondering why the heroine was speaking in tongues. By keeping the idea that they may not be her real parents for the very end, you got me hooked for what may come next.
But. there isn't much of a description to look to for explanation ,or to know what the surroundings looked like. I would have loved to be sucked into the period through the story lines but i wasn't.
Well, this certainly started off weird. The kid suddenly started having Hebrew and information on Judaism pop in his head? Or was it due to the dreams? This is something that is not too clear, whether the dreams are cause or consequence.
Furthermore, why does the protagonist want to be treated as an adult when she was seeing the shrink as a kid? Is this merely an issue of teenagers wanting independence or a shift in mental age due to whatever is happening? Even if you did not have this in mind when writing, you should add something about it just to make sure you don't feed the reader unneeded doubts.
If you're planning on making this an extensive novel, I would advise you to slow down the pace once you're in the actual present. It does not seem to me that you're done with the flashback just yet. While I personally don't like to end a chapter at the middle of one, there's no hard rule saying you can't - especially in lengthy ones. Just pull the pace down once its done and expand on the world the story will actually take part on.
As Geekygirl3100 commented, descriptions aren't too plentiful here but since you're giving a quick summary of the childhood, you don't have to add too much right now. Doing so would STILL add substance to this, though.
Mind, I think it would be good if you gave some information on said nightmares - if not on this chapter, then on the next - so we have a better understanding on what the protagonist is talking about.
On the technical side, if you're writing this as a novel, then I'd advise you to format it as one. That is, organize your paragraphs, isolate the spoken lines and, for that matter, don't italicize them. Normally, you'd only do so with foreign words (like "Imah" - that was a correct use) or when you want to impart emphasis or emotion on a certain word(s).
Certain sentences also come across as a bit weird and rewriting these would help everything flow better. For instance:
You don't visit WITH someone unless you're all going someplace else. If the protagonist is visiting her friends at home, then it doesn't apply. You don't need to repeat school thrice in back-to-back sentences either. In truth, I think you can fuse the second and third sentences together.
Here's a small, impromptu rewrite taking those pointers into account (mind, this does not consider the protagonist's personality):
"I always asked my parents to let me visit Gretchen and Ira, my best friends. I thought them to be pretty odd but, then again, that's what I thought about school as a whole. They didn't even teach the Torah here!"
I reckon you're trying to keep your sentences bite-sized in the interest of concision but it's a fine line that separates that and stunted dialogue. Since this is a first person narration, it stands to reason that the narrator would speak as though she was relating these events to someone (which she is).
Regardless, that's a curious start of a story you've made. With some sprucing up here and there, this could turn out very nicely. Just add some more meat to it!
This is such a great piece. It held my attention and was suspenseful and stimulating. The only real complaint that i truly have is, this could you a little bit more description. While I understood where the character was, and who the people around her were, I felt like there was more that could be described. As an example, you use "Upset them" a lot but there are tons of ways to say that. "I couldn't help but see the distress I caused them" or something, just to give it more to hold onto. Also there are just a few grammatical errors in there, but other than that it's awesome.
Thank you so much! I went back and added more descriptions and more to help the reader, and make it flow much better. I really really appreciate your feedback!