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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Anomaly

by pranshul


It was brutal, to say the very least. In my modest career as a homicide investigator, I had come across more than my share of gory, gut churning scenes but this was on a different level altogether. The body was of a young man in his twenties, who must have been quite a handsome one in his time. There were multiple bullet wounds to the chest, mostly the thoracic area. The larynx had been broken, possibly with a heavy, blunt object and both the eyeballs of the victim had been gouged out. Both ankles had been twisted and then drilled through. This man had not died an ideal death. “Robert! You need to see this,” rang the voice of Inspector John Reimers from the bedroom of the small apartment we were in.

“Says here, the victim’s name is Arthur Bach. A geology student at the Canterbury University,” said Reimers as I walked into the room to see him holding a wallet. “Also, two tickets to the local cinema for tonight.” “Poor lad must have had a date,” I said. “Did you check his phone records?” “Yeah. Some calls from his mom and plenty of impatient texts from the girl he was presumably gonna go with, a Samantha Delacour,” said Reimers. “Alright, then. I guess we’re done here for the day. Forensics will take over now so we should get going. Bring in this girl to the headquarters tomorrow,” I said, glad to leave this place behind. We parted company at the front door and I walked outside to a chilly, winter’s night. I spent the rest of my walk home and most of my night reflecting on the tragedies in life and the desperation that drives people to such an extent as to take another human being’s life. The next morning was mostly spent in coaxing out the little bits of helpful information from the continuously sobbing, traumatized figure that was Samantha Delacour. She insisted that Arthur was never involved in any sort of tussles or even arguments with anyone whatsoever, from the time that she’d known him. That was the most I could get out of her. We then paid a visit to Mrs. Bach to inform her of her son’s untimely demise, omitting the gross details of his death. Reimers went around to the neighbours and friends of Arthur while I headed towards the apartment to look for clues we might’ve missed out on yesterday. After lunch, I met up with Reimers at the headquarters. “Well, the general confusion among everyone is as to why anyone would take the life of someone like Arthur. Everyone testified that Arthur never picked fights,” said Reimers, confused. “Yeah. Poor lad….” I muttered. That evening the postmortem report came in. The victim had died due to severe trauma and blood loss. No surprises there. However, the forensics team had uncannily enough, not found the weapons or tools used to commit the crime or any fingerprints apart from Arthur’s himself. A week passed and no lead presented itself. The case seemed to have come to a standstill. At the inquest, the coroner declared death by murder as the cause and effectively, the case was closed. The funeral was held a week later. Not my first dead-end case, though, so I wasn’t really disappointed but Reimers chose to drown his sorrow over a mug of beer at the pub. I reached home, took off my overcoat and poured myself a glass of bourbon. I sat down on the armchair, staring at the objects on the table in front of me.

A Glock .45 Pistol, a mallet, a cleaver and a chisel- the last two still coated in dried blood. Now I could safely get rid of them without the department snooping around for clues. This one had been comparatively easier than the previous ones. The poor soul had gone down without a fight. The confusion among people could be considered legitimate- after all, his only fault had been that he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had been taking a smoke in a dark alley, and once he had been drugged it had been relatively easier to take him to his apartment and do the dirty job. The clean up job of fingerprints later had been a real pain, though. In the end, however, Phoenix City Police Department ‘s Detective Robert J. Perry’s tally had risen to 23.


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1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

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Sun Mar 30, 2014 11:46 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

The first thing I noticed about this story is that the second paragraph is huge. It made it very hard to read and I had to really pay attention as I was reading. I suggest breaking that paragraph into a few separate paragraphs. Also, I noticed that there's some dialogue in that paragraph. A rule I always go by while writing dialogue is to start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. You should also start a new paragraph when you want to put in dialogue. Then it will be easier for the readers to recognize where each line of dialogue is and who it belongs to.

As for the content of your story, I absolutely love it! The murder is quite gruesome, which I'm sure is what you were going for. I am a horribly squeamish person so I had a hard time reading about the injuries.

Holy plot twist. I loved the ending! I kind of saw it coming, but I was still surprised when it happened. It's a little disturbing that Robert had killed 23 people! Were they all people that he later took on as cases? That would be really freaky. And I have to say, Robert is quite an actor. Not that he would be a suspect or anything, but if anyone was suspicious, he was good enough at playing innocent and confused to not give anything away.

Great job with this story!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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317 Reviews


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Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:57 am
lostthought wrote a review...



I remember seeing this for something. I never got around to reviewing it. Well, I'm here now! I like how it went along. First they are investigating a murder and then you figure out it was the guy who was looking for the killer. Dun dun dunn!

The only nitpick I really have is that everything is stuck in one paragraph. It would be better if everything was in different paragraphs than all in one big one.

Wait, the other nitpick I have is that you put the number 23 when you don't really need it. So-

tally had risen to 23
-
tally had risen to twenty-three


I have never read any works if Agatha Christie had wrote. If they are this good, I should mark her down on a list I have. I like murder mysteries that have more than one possible murderer.

Of course, it's not perfect. You didn't leave enough people for it to be unpredictable. The lack of characters lead to the knowledge of the murderer. Maybe more people would help it be more dramatic.

Keep writing and welcome to YWS.

-lost




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134 Reviews


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Mon Mar 17, 2014 9:32 am
DrFeelGood wrote a review...



Hi there Gaurav here for a review. Thanks a lot for reviewing my work and I am here to return the favour. My first thoughts are that the climax is exciting and shocking. But some minor changes can make it even better.

For a suspense story, detailing is essential and your story has it. Description is neat but an important component is missing. It is the thrill factor. A mystery gets even more engaging when there are 4 to 5 characters and it appears that any one of them could be the murderer.
Being a big fan of Agatha Christie I have read many of her novels. She keeps the reader engrossed and tricks him right at the climax point. This where your story doesn't work. As there are very few characters, the reader can guess the climax even before the last paragraph.

However I loved the way climax was put. While most writers look for a descriptive climax you have opted an unconventional way. What you need is to expand the story and bring some dialogues which are quite few.

I feel that the story has the capacity to produce a jaw-dropping climax but ends up being predictable. But for a first time writer this is a smashing debut. The pace of the story is good, so is the description. Overall, you have done a good job. Keep writing!




pranshul says...


Hey there!
Thank you so much for the review and I'm glad you're an Agatha Christie fan as well!
I will definitely keep all these in mind for my next one!




i exist in a constant state of confusion so its ok
— veeren