Published July 30, 2009
You wandered far from where your corn was roasting in the fire.
When the blind man told you ‘Let’s throw stones’
you forgot he had stepped on one,
And he made you understand that
A disobedient fowl obeys in the pot of soup.
A hunter does not rub himself in oil, and sit by the fire.
You did.
You mistook the leopard’s stalk for it’s prey as cowardice,
And forgot that whenever a mice laughs at a cat,
A hole is nearby.
Now i know,
that a tree is best measured when it is cut down.
You are to Blame!
You are!
Because you knew,That if crocodiles ate their own egg,
little wonder, what they will do to the skin of a frog.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,471 Literary Works • 674,496 Reviews
Hey, Joe! June here!
Haven't read anything of yours in a while. Good to see you around here.
I think this poem is great. There isn't much that can be changed seeing as it's built of proverbs. Your concept is nice; I like it.
See here:
Mice should be mouse here, dear.
And:
Capital I there.
Lowercase T in that, dear.
- -
The beginning of this poem had a rather smooth flow to it. The proverbs fit together well, and though I do think that a few lines could be reworded some for an easier reading, you did a nice job.
Towards the end, the reading became a bit choppy. I didn't think the exclamation points were necessary, and the proverbs were less alike towards the end, dear. They don't have to be alike, but in the first stanza, they were loosely connected, whereas the final stanza felt rather disconnected.
Nevertheless, Joe, you did a nice job with this poem. Keep writing-- and post more of your works 'round here.
June