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Surrender or Rise?

by pragyarchana


A second feels like a year passed in agony,

Now every single day is a pudding of misery.

Life would be so complex, I never did expect,

When your own ‘loved ones” forget the meaning of mutual respect.

They would shame you for talking and call you loud,

Disgust you for being fat and often, call you a clown.

Some would talk behind your back; many insult you on your face,

For they cannot accept you in your own beautiful ways.

Life’s battles would not come easy, they have told me well enough,

Their constant demeaning of you would fill you with sheer distrust.

But the question now arises of consent, if it has ever been given,

To make a laughing stock or question my every little action.

This life is the bliss of my parents and God; nobody can anymore intervene,

For tolerance has its own limits, I shall endure no more mental strain. 


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10 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 10

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Tue Oct 19, 2021 1:56 pm
Caiteb says...



Hey its Caite drooping by with a review. I personally adore this poem it is written so fantastically well. The flow is amazing and the description words are on point. I could really feel your agony in your writing. Just overall a fantastic job, I can't wait to read more of yours. hope you have a wonderful day.




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 10

Donate
Tue Oct 19, 2021 1:55 pm
Caiteb wrote a review...



Hey its Caite drooping by with a review. I personally adore this poem it is written so fantastically well. The flow is amazing and the description words are on point. I could really feel your agony in your writing. Just overall a fantastic job, I can't wait to read more of yours. hope you have a wonderful day.




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80 Reviews


Points: 2139
Reviews: 80

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Fri Sep 17, 2021 1:10 pm
waywardxwallflower wrote a review...



Hello! Wallflower here with a quick review (:

This poem is incredibly meaningful, and the story it tells is wonderful. Your writing style is very personal and down-to-earth.

"Life would be such complex dude, I never did expect..." This line is a bit confusing; you could likely say, "Life is too complex, I never did expect/ for my loved ones..." and so on.

"Some would talk behind your back; many insult you on your face,/ For they cannot accept you in your own beautiful ways." I love these lines here: they sum up the poem so well and are so triumphant in the face of everything against you.

"Their constant demeaning of you would make you have sheer distrust." This is a great line, but it could be rephrased to make its meaning more evident. You could say something like, "Their constant demeaning of you would fill you with sheer distrust."

Of course, take what you like and leave the rest!

Overall, great poem!! It was incredibly real and personal, and well-written. Keep writing!



Random avatar
pragyarchana says...


Hello. First of all, thank you for this note. I am grateful that you spent your time writing a review of this poem. Yes, it is very close to my heart and personal. I would take note of the suggestions you have given and try to work upon them. Please know that it really means a lot to have someone guide me.





Of course!! I'm really glad I could help. (:



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27 Reviews


Points: 114
Reviews: 27

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Fri Sep 17, 2021 7:47 am
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lukekazey wrote a review...



First of all, welcome to YWS! It's great to have new members, especially poets (sorry I'm a little biased ahah).

Into my review- poetry surrounding the expectations of others and rising above adversity are nothing new; in fact they're relatively common, but this still manages to feel quite fresh and original. Definitely massive props to you for that because originality is often one of the most difficult things to capture in a poem. There are certain lines in this that I love, especially,

"I never did expect,

When your own ‘loved ones” forget the meaning of mutual respect."

I love the way these lines interact, they have an essence to them similar to that of slam poetry and I really enjoy that.

However, there are definitely some things that could be improved. I think your poetic voice is at times confused. For instance, that beautifully poetic line I mentioned earlier is proceeded with the word "dude" that just seems to jar for me with the overall vibe of the poem. There are a few other places where this occurs for me as well, but thats the most obvious. Of course, this is entirely personal and as poetry is so subjective this may have been something you were going for. A second point of improvement is just in terms of improving flow and rhythm. Something that works for me is reading my poem aloud and then removing extraneous words that just interrupt the flow of the poem, as some of your lines have excellent flow and rhythm, but others feel a little clunky to me.

Overall though, an excellent and thought-provoking poem demonstrating a real talent and potential! I'm really excited to see more :)

Yours,
Luke



Random avatar
pragyarchana says...


Hello,
Thank you for this review. I am glad to hear from you. It is great that you pointed out certain improvements. I will try my very best to work on my flaws. Your encouragement means a lot.
Yours
Pragya




find your aesthetic and flaunt it
— manilla