He’s a beautiful dreamer
Afraid to love,
And of what people might think
About what he’s dreaming of.
He might change them all
If he took a chance
But he’s stunned by fear.
By life’s tarantella dance--
He doesn’t know
What lies ahead.
Bound by faith
In something higher
He’ll take a chance,
But he hesitates,
Foot in the door
As he wonders
What his life is for.
Should he take a chance?
Should he try to dance
Through life ,
With a partner unseen--
The spirit of his source of faith,
Could he chance it?
He steps hesitantly through the door
And bright light fills his eyes--
He cannot see what lies ahead
Still he’s a beautiful dreamer
Afraid to love
Of what people might think
Of what he’s dreaming of.
He’s a visionary
Though his vision may be wearied
And within him lies the hope to change the world.
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
Hey there! I like your username BTW - words are powerful and this is the year to celebrate them!
Firstly, you used way too many passives. As you may know, there are two types of voice: the active and the passive. Passives tell the audience what is happening:
"But he's stunned by fear."
Active phrases, on the other hand, show the reader the action:
"He might change them all
If he took a chance
But fear has chained him inside."
I've changed the image slightly, but you can see how it is much more striking. Turn every single passive construction around - it'll work wonders for your poem. Once you start to get a feel for how emotionally limiting the passive is, you've taken the first step towards poetry greatness!
You also repeat the word 'chance' too often: "If he took a chance." I don't know if this is an attempt at a running theme, but if it is it's too artificial. Phrases like "he took a chance" are too hackneyed. Find something more original. Try:
"He might change them all
If he blindly tossed the dice
But fear has chained him inside."
Using well-worn ideas like 'taking a chance' won't help your reader. It doesn't feel fresh enough to inspire them. Inspire them with new ways of looking at old concepts - after all, that's part of what we do as writers. Use a thesaurus if you're really stuck.
I don't know about the rhyme scheme at the moment. Right now, it seems too forced. Make it more natural. You could also do with breaking the poem up into stanzas as it focuses on several images rather than one key, unifying idea.
Good attempt otherwise. Hope all this helps. Good luck!
Gahks
6/10
I like the idea of the poem. The way you structured is good.
However, sometimes the lack of rhyme scheme makes the end of the poem hard to read. It loses the flow. While sometimes a lack of rhyme scheme is a good thing, in this case, it does not work for the poem. In fact, I think it detracks from the poem.
It's a good poem though. I liked it.
-Shel
As everyone's already said, the idea behind the poem is its main strength. You already have a couple of critiques that look at the grammar and other details, so I'm just leaving you general ideas.
The structure of the poem was good, with the progression from the character being 'paralyzed by fear' to deciding to take a chance, and then taking a step toward his dream. However, I think these stages could be expanded on.
Despite the fact that 'paralyzed by fear' is a little over-used, this section of the poem is what drew me into it. In poetry, you have to bring your reader into the situation or they'll not take anything away from your work. So now I'm about to throw out that clichéd phrase: show, don't tell. Here's what I mean:
So much of the poem was 'telling', like the example above, that the reader wasn't involved enough. Here is a good image that you used to show the reader the risk he's taking by following his dream:
This makes readers imagine, thereby involving them in the poem. It would benefit from more lines like these.
Finally, I'll just say that I thought you wrote a strong ending. The almost-repetition, the subtle rhyme, and the message were all lovely!
Good luck!
The second line here is kind of weird. I don't like the double use of the word "of" and, frankly, I don't think the line should end with that word, either. It just hangs there. Lots of other words rhyme with "love." I'm sure you can find a better way to phrase this.
Maybe "sickened" would be more correct.
"What lies ahead," I think. Also, your rhyme scheme disappears, here.
The meter would flow better, IMO, if you left off "just."
I like this one. I'd take the comma out, though.
This part is only three lines long and doesn't rhyme. What happened?
I like repetition in poetry, and this is good, but I think it would be stronger at the very end of the poem. I'd move the last lines up and put this last.
As I said, I'd place this before the previous stanza, but aside from that, I think these are some of the best lines in your poem.
Interesting idea. It's left nicely open for the reader to imagine what his dreams are of, and i like that aspect especially. Also, the phrase beautiful dreamer is a nice one. Sorry if i seem to make lots and lots of changes - they're all just suggestions that you don't have to pay any attention to, by any means, but i hope i can help a bit!
Ok. So, this poem is by no means whatsoever, a no-hoper. But, there are some issues. Mainly, the rhyme - it's all over the place! I think, if you want a rhyming poem, decide on a pattern of rhyme and then stick to it. That way it will flow. There were some lovely bits, and some bits that i think you can improve on. I did really like the way you went back to the first verse at the end, but i felt that you were trying hard to find rhymes, and so the plot of the poem was lost on me towards the end. Did he do it? or are we left hanging? If it's the latter, maybe consider ending on a more cliff-hanger type stanza. referring back to the first stanza was a great effect, but it gave it a very conclusive ending, even though i couln't find a conclusion about the main character of the piece. I hope i'm making sense.
Other that those small points, i liked it. the idea was good, and it had a mysterious and sort of wistful air to it - you new there was a man and a door and a bright light behind it, and that was all! It was interesting.
Maybe consider adding in some more imagery to any other work you might do. It can be fun, and you seem like that kind of poet - there was a little imagery in this one, too. Experiment and it can be great to use. It adds a new level.
I really hope i've helped you out a bit.
I will keep an eye out for you work, as i'm sure whatever you write next will be just as original and mysterious!
Best of luck,
charlie. ^^
I really love your poem. Great idea, and great sentences. BUT- I don't know if its just me, but it really throws me off that there's absolutely no punctuation. IE:
"Just what his life is for?
Should he take a chance?
Should he try to dance-
Through life
With a partner unseen?
He places his foot through the door,
And bright light fills his eyes
And he cannot see what lays ahead."
However, I would just put "he cannot see what lays ahead."
Overall, really great poem and idea!