Prologue
A young, baby lie in a crib, his parents staring straight at him. Leo was a miracle to them. Leo’s mother, Elizabeth named him after the constellation, Leo the Lion, when he stared at it all night the day he was born.
Slowly and sneakily, a man approached the house they lived in. The rather stiff and tall man pulled a long, wooden rod out of his cloak, waving it. The locked door creaked open, but seeing as they were upstairs, they didn’t hear it. Leo suddenly began to cry, making them unable to her the door creak open. He strolled down the hall, heading to the first flight of stairs, figuring they’d be with their precious newborn. The man stalked up to the first landing of the grand staircase in the house.
The man looked to be about thirty years old. He was tall and slim. He walked stiffly due to an injury in his right leg. His face was tough and bulging with red eyes and a deep, X-shaped scar on his left cheek making it even more tough.
Finally, the fearful man walked down the hall of the first landing until he came to a door. The man opened the door. The baby was in the father, Ethan’s, arms, wrapped in a blanket as he stood near the windowsill. Fear was wrapped in the father’s eyes as the man approached him, waving the wooden stick once more. A burst of light erupted from it and the father fell to the ground, dead. A doll rolled out of the blanket. It wasn’t really Leo as the scarred man hoped.
Elizabeth bolted open the front door and ran as fast as she could holding her child tightly in her arms, into a large forest. Elizabeth screamed as she felt the pain of her husband’s death. The scarred man walked down the stairs and outside, heading in the direction Elizabeth went.
Elizabeth set a locket which bore the words Permissum haud vulnero tactus is sol solis upon Leo's neck, praying to at least save her only child. The small, golden locket held a picture of the three of them, Leo nestled warmly between his parents. She sped up, sensing the man getting closer to her. She knew she was going to die and had to hide Leo. She stopped there for a second and rested, letting her breath finally catch up to her. Elizabeth heard him getting close so she started running again but tripped.
The baby fell with her, but it appeared unharmed. Leo glared at the man’s face and began to cry. The man was about 200 feet away, pulling out his wooden rod again, waving it. Elizabeth shrieked, collapsing to the ground. He was torturing her. Another person, this one cloaked, emerged from the wind, launching an arrow at the man forcefully pushing him back.
Elizabeth whispered, “Take Leo, my child there. Hide h-”
Another waving of the man’s wooden stick and her eyes locked shut, landing with a thud. The cloaked person extended their hand and Leo appeared in it and they disappeared.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I think Thunder and Haruno have gotten most of the nit picks, so I won't go over those again; i'll just give my first impressions.
)
It wasn't badly written - but the lack of attention to some of the grammatical aspects of the writing really jolted me out of the story. As others have said, there's a very strong hint of Harry Potter in this piece, and depending on where you take it next, that could be a good or a bad thing.
As Haruno said, there's a lot of telling instead of showing, especially with the first few paragraphs. Try to describe with more vivid detail - you want your first paragraph to hook your reader and draw them in - which this piece just doesn't do, I'm afraid. Perhaps starting with the villain would be more gripping and appropriate?
This piece is a great hook taken as a whole, but you're going to need some work to bring it up to it's potential. Unfortunately, I can't say a whole lot more about plot or character until you post more (hint hint
~Annie
Hey, Power of Three (sorry, I have a tendency to grammatically correct people's user names)
It seems as though you took my advice and began writing your story.
Now, let's review it...
You have a lot of comma issues here.
-Take out the comma after young.
-Lies in the the present tense. Change it to lay.
-His parents staring straight at him? Wouldn't the stare lovingly or something else.
-I would add more description.
So, here is how I would rewrite it:
A baby lay asleep in his crib. His parents gazed lovingly at him as his chest softly rose and fell.
Several things are wrong with this sentence.
-Add a comma after Elizabeth.
-Take out the commas before and after "Leo the lion".
-He stared at it all night the day he was born? Contradiction.
There is another instructor here on YWS who would call this a "police sketch." It dumps all the description into one place. I will go over the concept of Showing Not Telling at the end of this review.
-It doesn't seem like the man would be fearful
-This is the third time this story that I have been reminded of Harry Potter.
I take Latin and my mother teaches it. What were you trying to say here? It's order and meaning are very strange. I think you made a mistake somewhere.
This is making me think of the Cruciatus curse in Harry Potter.
Time to teach you about...
Showing Not Telling
Don't just tell me what a character does, what they look like. Show me with description.
Here's an example from your story:
He walked stiffly due to an injury in his right leg.
Here is how you would show this description instead of telling it:
The man's leg moved stiffly, as though it were an unoiled machine. He grimaced and the X-shaped scar on his face twisted. "Bloody war injury," he mumbled.
You can substitute whatever origin of the injury you want.
Do you understand? The "showing" way helps the reader picture your characters more and gets them invested in the story.
Overall
You aren't a bad writer. Sorry if this was harsh. It looks interesting, I would definitely read more if you posted it.
-Work on your basic knowledge of commas
-Use more description
-This beginning was a bit cliche. The whole thing simply screamed "Harry Potter!" to me.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Hello, powerofthree! I'm thunder, and I will be your critiquer for today. Well, the minute. Whatever.
You only have to use a comma when multiple adjectives apply to a single noun.
I'm not sure that babies go outside the day they're born. Usually, they're at the hospital for a few days. This won't be terribly hard to fix.
Why, exactly, is he waving the rod around?
Locked doors don't usually open. You may want to mention the man picking the lock or something.
Do you notice the italic parts? You used "creaked open" twice quickly. Try reprasing one of them.
Alright, the right click button on my mouse is being dumb, so I can't do more direct quotes. Sorry.
Well, the next paragraph is description. It isn't very exciting, so I reccomend masking it within more action. You already said he was tall and stiff, so that's already established. That leaves his age, injury, and his face. Perhaps mention an open window shining moon light on his face, revealing *description*.
In the first couple sentences of the next paragraph, the word "door" is repeated.
And now the burst of light...OK, I just got the waving the rod earlier and the locked door opening. You may want to mention the door unlocking, hinting at the magic.
After that, you did good. The last sentence, in which the cloaked man took Leo, needs to be re-written a bit, but other than that, excellent.
Overall, you had a few bits that could be fixed, but this was very good. Nice work.
This was an interesting prologue it reminded me a lot of Harry Potter but maybe that is because I have just started re-reading the Harry Potter books.
When I started reading I had to check which country you were from because to me the way you write sounds like English isn't your first language. The way you structure your sentences is just a little odd.
'A young, baby lie in a crib, his parents staring straight at him. Leo was a miracle to them. Leo’s mother, Elizabeth named him after the constellation, Leo the Lion, when he stared at it all night the day he was born.'
Another way you could say it would be :-
A small baby was laid sleeping soundly in a crib, his parents were gazing lovely upon him as he slept on unaware. The day he was born he stared into the night sky, enraptured by the constellation Leo the Lion. His mother, Elizabeth, said his name was destined to be Leo and so it was. He was their little miracle.
Or something like that lol
Or even just the first part that you wrote could be ' A young baby laid in a crib'
I would go back and just check sentence structures and where you put words and what tense they are in
I liked it though, I thought the locket part was interesting and just who was that other cloaked man at the end who took Leo! And who was the man with the scar. Lots of questions I hope you resolve by continuing the story