Black Lives Matter
Innocent lives being killed and dying
Parents and family weep and they are crying
Confusion erupts because no laws they are defying
They’ve been killed by people whom they’ve been relying
A gun shot resonates through the air
Another live lost ,that's so unfair
“I can't breathe!”He cries
His attempts to breathe are being put aside
He slowly puts down his hand
He is going to leave this land
His eyelids start closing
And he slowly stops breathing
He has gone to sleep
But this time
He never
awakes
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello potter4life!
(I will be doing a small review)
This is a really nice poem. I love that you are choosing to speak up and do something about this matter. I also love the way your poem flows, when I read it allowed, there were no points where I stumbled or had to re-read to say it in the right way. This would be a free verse poem right? I have never reviewed a poem before, but as far as I can tell, this is amazing! I give it a 10/10!
Thank You so much!!
Hi potter4life!
You wrote on a very sensitive topic which the world witnessed recently and raised so many questions about the society we live in. You did a good job in portraying those feelings experienced by the oppressed people. You described the incident in a nutshell but were able to provoke those emotions against the inequity and discrimination. This is an example of how as human beings we have failed ourselves. The support that was shown by people from all over the world against such brutal acts of discriminating and ill-treating someone on the basis on color and race gives some hope that still there's some humanity left. I like the way you concluded by converging the lines in the end which reflected how he succumbed to his death. But people continued to protest forgetting him justice and that shows there's still chance for a better future.
So I notice you tried to keep a rhyming scheme for the poem but at place I felt it felt a bit forced because of which the sentences did not flow well. Especially the first four lines. I know it's hard to keep up with a rhyming scheme and sometimes it can be tough.
Here you broke the rhyming with 'cries' and 'aside'. I think it will be better if you replace it with cried just to maintain continuity in rhyming.
Overall I felt you were successful in bringing this issue in front of the readers and share the emotional pain felt by the victims. It is really heartbreaking to think about the brutality faced by people on baseless and inhumane factors. Everyone has got the right to protest through means of non-violence demonstrations and treating any group of people or community as different or badly is completely unacceptable.
Thanks for sharing this work with us.
Great work!
Keep writing
thanks 4 reviewing!:)
Hello @potter4life I'm here to do a quick review on your poem here. by the way quick late welcome to the site I hope that you are in joying it here. lets begin this review shell we. also sorry about the like and then well a like again if you got to notifications with me liking twice it was because my Computer was not responding at the time.
this poem had a very strong meaning behind it I feel, I feel like you put a lot of effort into it because it came out really well, so well to tell you the truth you almost made me cry, I could not believe how real this sounded, well it is rated realistic for a reason I guess, I loved reading this it filled my heart with so much emotion.
one thing I just want to point out here, the word in bold is the one that I'm going to talk about live, I think you meant to say life because the line doesn't fit very well with live. that's really all the negative stuff that I have to say and it I think was just a small mistake that anyone can make. I loved this poem it was fulled with heart braking images and I can't stop to ask if you are okay, because if something is happening in you life that really brout this poem out my PM box is always open if you need to talk about somethings.
Well that is all that I can say about this I really liked reading it. keep writing I'd love to here more coming from you.
I hope that you have a great Day/Night
@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went
Thank you!!
Welcomed.