Published January 13, 2011
I run from building to building just trying to get away,
But run more I just cannot I collapse upon the floor,
I try to stand but I must fight today,
Theres a shotgun bang that signals my end
I lie in wait covered in the sweat and fear that envelopes me
A single shot is all I got,
so please dear god help me
I roll on my back and prepare for the attack
a cold dead hand grabs my soul
It is then that I lose all control
I roll and scream while pain consumes me
and when I die remember me
remember the tide that took me from you
remember the time that I first met you
remember the times that we used to share
but now that my time is gone do not dispair
do not fall into disrepair
I will watch over you
in the sky that tore me from you
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138,301 Literary Works • 672,099 Reviews
This is a really great poem! I would follow this!
You surely got your point across. i loved this this was truly emotional. great poem i loved how it was effective with the rhyme scheme, great job!
Very simple and bittersweet, not the worst imagery in the world but some things seemed to contradict each other - "I try to stand but I must fight today"-. Other parts seemed to come out awkward and some basic grammar problems. However I loved the story it conveyed, and how it ended hit me straight in the heart.
Xoxo - DraconiaxLesoto
Besides the few mentioned errors and such, I feel as though you could have given us more. I mean, you're writing about a very dramatic time. You covered it beautifully in the few lines you had, I just feel as though you could make it very...raw. Very emotionally gripping. Heavier, in a way. It seems as though this poetry is just a tad to light for me. Could be just me, but it seems to lack the extreme drama and stress that you think of with such a situation.
But overall, very nice! I enjoyed reading it!
I absolutely loved it. It's so simple, yet it tells so much about a story. It is absolutely wonderful. There were a few typos here and there and some awkwardness in sentences, where I needed to go back and re-read parts and bits, but overall I did like it. "Theirs," I believe is suppose to be "There's." And in the second or third line, I believe, the first part sounded a little weird to me but I got the message of the line. I cannot wait to read more of your works!
Hullo!
Firstly - basic grammar. Reread this a couple of times and look out for elementary errors (hint: capital letters, homophones!). That's much more useful than my telling you what they are.
Okay, this sounds all very nice (with no out-right awful imagery) but it's too simple. So simple that lines begin to trip over each other (line 2, intentional or not, is random, awkward and does not, I think, add anything to poem). And then it all ends with a boring, subjective and almost cop-out of an ending that tells us nothing about the character or the situation. A shotgun - a single shot - it's all very exciting. So tell me more! Hit us in the face with a killer one-liner. I can't do that for you because I don't know what story you're trying to convey. And if you aren't trying to, then I have to question what the point of the poem was, exactly.
I do like the basics of what you've got, but please, be more adventurous. More imagery allows the reader to pick out what they want from the story and reach their own conclusions, which is worth more than any narration.
So - best of luck! Let me know if I can help. I'm not a very good poet, but it's important to remember to convey a theme or a story more than anything else. Poetry needs reason!
Regards,
Mark
I love this. By saying so little, it is quite profound. It is an emotional rollercoaster in 5/6 lines! that is truly great. A struggle to fight, death, then a hope for eternities. I think it is very interesting how it can connect to so many people in such a short poem. Thank you for writing it! love this