The Haunting, Prolouge

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I ran onto the street, my head swimming. My brother couldn't be dead, he couldn't be. All those times when we got in fights, when I yelled at him that he was an idoit. I wanted to take it all back, I'd gladly take it all back for him to be alive again. And that's when it happened. Suddenly someone came from behind me. I felt a syringe go into my left shoulder. Pain shot down my arm. I started to feel faint and I was dimly aware of myself falling, then everything went black.

A hour later I woke up the hospital, except I was looking at my disorientated body. I heard footsteps outside the door and quickly crouched down. The nurse came in and laid the sheet over my head, I was dead? Impossible, suddenly my parents came rushing in.

"Is she all right?" My dad asked, then he saw my body. "No!" He cried out. I wanted to rush out and hug him, to tell him it was alright, that I was still here. But something in the back of my mind urged me not to. And that's how my journey for revenge began.

Well this is a rather short prologue here...and quite often that does manage to work...but, this time I feel like you've not really got enough here, although at the same time it does also feel like you have maybe a bit too much here in this piece, its hard to decide between the two because you've got just a rather rushed piece here.

I think perhaps for this scene to really work here, you'd have to spread things out a tiny bit. Now this is indeed a prologue and you don't have to make things super long or anything or do anything to make things more emotional, the sort of quick impact works out okay for the prologue, its just that things here are so rushed that they then come off a little vaguer than perhaps should be for the impact of this to be properly felt.

It is for the most part a fairly decent start still I think because there is plenty of stuff that is pretty exciting and you do find yourself wanting to know more, so as a prologue it is somewhat effective, it just needs a little bit of a touch up here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

An hour later I woke up the hospital, except I was looking at my disorientated body.

Hour is a silent vowel. it has a sound of 'aa'
The later part of the sentence makes no sense at all.


It was too short and there's nothing I can say about it. I got a mysterious feel. you use many run-on and complicated but useless sentences. you will find many in your first para.
KEEP WRITING!!!!!!

Hello, I'll be your reviewer today before somebody comes along and gives you any brutal criticism.

I ran #FF0000 ">out onto the street, my head swimming. Adding an "out" makes the sentence easier to understand. My brother couldn't be dead, he couldn't be. All those times when we got in#FF0000 ">to fights, (Or you could just say, "All those times we fought,") when I yelled at him that he was an idoit. #0040FF ">I wanted to take it all back, I'd gladly take it all back for him to be alive again. That is basically repeating yourself in one sentence. Perhaps you could omit the first part before the comma? #0040FF ">And that's when it happened. I don't like that phrase, afterward in which you you come in with the abrupt instance where someone sneaks up on the protagonist. It just doesn't flow together. But if you wish to keep that sentence then you should insert a phrase in-between to balance things out. For example, "My death." "My demise" "My end." "The beginning of my end." You get the idea. Either way, I still don't quite like the idea of the sudden thing. Maybe she sensed or heard someone coming from behind, and then it happens? Suddenly someone came from behind me. I felt a syringe #0040FF ">go into my left shoulder. That doesn't sound powerful enough. Try something like, "penetrated" or "pierced" you know, something that will show the reader the brutality of it. Pain shot down my arm #FF0000 ">like fire. Just thought I'd suggested a pizazz. You can do a lot of things with figures of speech. Be sure and experiment. I started to feel faint and I was dimly aware of myself falling, then everything went black.

A hour later I woke up the hospital, except #FF0000 ">only, instead of looking outward, I was looking at my disorientated body. I heard footsteps outside the door and quickly crouched down. The nurse came in and laid the sheet over my head#0040FF ">, I was dead#0040FF ">? Impossible#0040FF ">, #FF0000 ">Suddenly my parents came rushing in.

It is best if you make those commas that I highlighted in blue periods. Also, omit that question mark and turn it into an exclamation mark. Here is how the new sentence will look like, "I was dead? Impossible!"

"Is she all right?" My dad asked#0040FF ">, #FF0000 ">Then he saw my body #FF0000 ">and his face became as pale as a phantom. You get the idea, make us see just how horror struck the father was. Your original was rather dull. Oh, by the way, it doesn't have to be a metaphor or a simile. You can just describe it as, "his face went white." "his face lost it's color." Basically, the choices are limitless, and you as the writer, have the freedom to chose as you wish. "No!" He cried out.

I wanted to rush out and hug him, to tell him it was alright, that I was still here. But something in the back of my mind urged me not to. And that's how my journey for revenge began.

It is recommended that you separate the actions of different characters, so you make things easier to understand for the readers. Otherwise we may be as confused as this smilie

Closing words:

What I liked:
It was a short and sweet straight to the point set of paragraphs. Apart from what I pointed out you are all set to go on the bulk of your story.

What I did not like:
Some of your descriptions for what should be dramatic moments fall flat. And as you see, there were quite a number of technical errors.

Conclusion:
You are taking quite a risk my friend. Having a prologue that is. I know how it can go. Having had a prologue in my novel, I wisely omitted it seeing as it greatly hindered my story. While prologues can be great, they tend to leave much to be desired from the actual story, and alas, that is where the issues begin.

You what though? This could easily be called Chapter 1. Thus completing ending any prologue bashing from other reviewers on here. Because I must warn you, there are quite a few users on here who will completely tear apart any prologue they come across, and then stomp on the corpse.

Happy writing.

-AspiringAuthorA..M.