My civilization is called the Crimson Shadow People. That's what the humans used to call us because they believed that we came from a crimson shadow world. My queen, Queen Spessartite Garnet, and King Ammolite were banished from the human world. We call it the Surface World, because we live so deep underground. We live right beside a big ball of flame which I believe is the core; no one will believe what I tell them, though. Regardless, it was then, that the two royals decided that they couldn't get along together and split the men from the women. All women born stayed here on this side and all men born were moved to that other side. Since we can live for a long period of time, we don't need to reproduce very often. The last reproduction day was almost 17 years ago.
Today, I, Mariangella Malak, was called to visit my queen. Queen Garnet looks like she’s about thirty, but really she’s like 300 or something or maybe she’s even older. I’ve only ever heard the rumors; I’ve never actually had the guts to ask her. Like all the others down here, she has long and curly blonde hair with bright eyes of many colors. I hear her eyes color changes with her mood. Isn’t that cool? I don’t look anything like her or the other women down here. I have long, straight, black hair with emerald colored eyes. I don’t know why I look different; I mean, we all should have the same genes, right?
Humans look at us and think that we're human just like them, but we aren't. You can tell we aren't human because under our right ear you will find a pattern of some sort. It's different for each of us. The pattern trails from our ear down our necks and stops at our right shoulder. We receive these patterns when we become an adult at the age 16. I attained my pattern almost a year ago. My pattern looks like a cluster of circles within circles. I've been told that these patterns glow different colors when we use "powers" we supposedly possess. I haven't seen any evidence of power possession from anyone down here. Maybe our power has something to do with the surface world.
Anyways, I have recently been training to become one of Queen Garnet's top spies. I thought I was going to be given an assignment where I could spy on that guy the menfolk on the other side call King. Yeah right. This is basically how I was sent to spy on the world where this thing called a sun supposedly shines.
I entered the throne room.
“You wanted to see me, my queen?” I asked as I bowed.
“Yes, I have a very special assignment for you, Mariangella.” She said in kind of a grandmotherly voice. Then she dismissed everyone in the room--except me--and continued speaking. “I want you to go up to the surface and see what it’s like up there. Bring me back a full report. I want to know if it’s safe for us to interact with the humans again.”
I brushed my black hair out of my eyes. “You want me to go up there? Isn’t that against the law? What if I get caught by someone from the other side?” I refused to acknowledge that side for anything other than what they are: Animals.
She smiled at me and said, “Oh child, don’t you think I’ve thought about this already. You won’t be going alone. I’ve spoken with that thing that they call a king over there and he has agreed to send one of his top spies as well. You two will be going together.”
I was completely dumbfounded. Since when do the two sides of our work together? They hate each other, don’t they? I wondered why they suddenly changed their minds. When I asked her of this, she just laughed at me and told me to go pack my bags.
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I was busy packing my things when I heard a knock on my door. Before I could say, “Come in,” my friend Juniper was shutting the door behind her. Juniper was blonde, too. She had bright blue eyes. Her pattern looked like diamonds within diamonds. Her pattern stopped at he neck which was weird because all other patterns stopped at the shoulder. The only other thing different about her was a scar down her left cheek from an accident when we were young. I thought it made her look grown up and beautiful. She thought it was the ugliest thing ever.
She looked at me with those bright blue eyes of hers and said, “Where do you think you’re going, Esmeralda?” People down here call me Esmeralda because of my emerald green eyes. I’ve been told that Esmeralda means emerald.
“I’ve been given a secret assignment by the queen and was told to pack right away.” I said curtly, hoping she would ask where I’m going and who or what I’m going to spy on. I don’t think I could stop myself from telling her.
“Wow, the queen gave you an assignment? Of all the women down here she could’ve chosen from, she chose you?” she said quite bewildered. That made me a little upset. My friend was basically saying that I wasn’t good enough for this assignment. She didn’t even know what the assignment was. She has some nerve sometimes.
“Yes. Me. Deal with it.” I said as I finished packing my things.
Juniper got closer to me to apologize and hugs me. I accepted both, happy that she realized her mistake this time before I had to tell her. She has a habit of running her mouth and getting in trouble for it.
Suddenly there was another knock on my door, and when I answered it and realized that it was time for me to go.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here to review.
First thoughts: I liked it! I'm interested to see what happens next and clearly, something interesting is going to happen. However, there was a massive info dump which puts off people when people read it
Anything before "I entered the throne room" isn't really needed as all that information can be included in different, more relevant areas. We already know her name when the Queen speaks to her. The patterns could be mentioned when Juniper comes in. See where I'm going with this? All you want to say can be included in different, more relevant places.
Description: It's important, especially in a foreign world which we don't know anything about. What's the throne like? What about the room itself or the woman... do they have an eye on their nose or something? How different are they from humans? Imagine that we, as readers, are lost in a foreign world and you're our guide. You've gotta show us something, since we're blind. Almost.
That bit that I've struckthrough is obvious and doesn't need to be included. What would be better if you showed not only what Esmeralda said and her tone, but her body language too.
I'd have liked to see something being included about how she felt about the queen and the royalty. And the men being separated. Was meeting the queen a great honour or was it like seeing the headteacher whom you know well? How did she feel about seeing the surface world too? What was she expecting? Some thoughts from her into the world around her would be perfect so we know her character like a friend.
Well, that's all from me. I hope I helped! Feel free to PM me with any questions you've got so keep writing!
~Blues
It appears that Italian and I were reviewing this at the same time. I apologise if I've repeated anything as I probably started reviewing literally moments before he posted it! xD
Hey there, Ita here to review. I'll be doing this as I read, so bear with me.
Firstly, that big introductory paragraph? It's an interesting hook, although it's pretty much an info dump. You could start out with one strong sentence, such as "We are the Crimson Shadow People", then lace the rest of the information throughout the story. That makes it more natural, and it flows better too.
'Reproduction Day' xD I'm sorry, but that made me chuckle. Is it, like, an official day where everyone meets and reproduces as much as possible? Ohgod *wipes tear from the corner of his eye* Unless that's the intended effect, how about saying something like 'the last time there was a significant increase in the population was 17 years ago (also, using numbers, unless it's written down somewhere is fairly un-professional. Excuse my inner nazi)' or something of the sort. Think about that, for a start.
Uuurgh. Man, info-dump number 2. You could gradually describe the queen as Mariangella meets her, ease the readers into the description, instead of blandly presenting her to us. What does your character think of her? Would she be, for some reason, biased in her presentation of the Queen? Show us these aspects instead of telling the readers. It's much more effective that way, trust me. This also goes for your character. You need to be watchful, otherwise you burn out too quickly.
There are some grammatical imperfections, albeit minor ones:
'eyes color' should be 'eye color'; that semi-colon could be replaced by a period after 'different'.
Again, the info dump. You must be mindful of these. I get that you wish to keep the readers hooked, but this is too much to register all at once, at times. I reiterate, sink the reader in gradually.
Plus, with all the info dumps here, not one describes where she is. Setting the scene is just as important - if not more - than setting the plot, which can be done in further chapters. Everything - characterization, description, emotion, plot - should be well balanced and alternating sequences (eg - description, action, emotion, description, etc).
Ugh. 'Anyways'. That's practically breaking the fourth wall. The character is addressing the readers directly with that comment. I assume she doesn't know about potential readers prying into her life xD So yeah, edit.
Who else is in the room?! Who?! I'm only kidding, of course, but seriously, description is very important. Is the room covered in a soft red carpet? Do chandeliers illuminate the glittering surface suggestively? Is the Queen sitting regally at her gilded throne? Is the character nervous? Excited? Apprehensive at her daunting assignment? A bit of all, perhaps? These are the important things. They're what makes a story real, if you see what I mean.
Okay, so your character is a haughty bitch (jk). That's good. The world needs more haughty bitch protagonists. However, no capitalized 'a' is needed after the two points. It's not a period.
Right. As I've said in many a review, describing a bedroom is important. There's a saying that goes pretty much: "A man's bedroom describes who he is", and that's so true, if you ask me. Plus, what are her emotions? How does she feel about this? Leaving her people, her family?
Overall though, this is a great piece, packed with interesting info. Just work on the description, and dilute said info to last more.
Keep it up!
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed