I am the origin
In this white tub life begins.
It swims in this silvery pool of thought
Where nothing ever happened to me; no one ever loved me
Regrets don’t matter here and there was no cut;
This water isn’t red.
Bonds do not break, they just dissolve
Into the amniotic fluid of my being.
I correspond with the tiles
White and placid, there is no need for pain.
Pain knows no place it slumps into the corner
A miss-match of fabric.
I am stripped of my powers
So my skull sinks below the surface,
And into the shallow it goes.
I open my lids and dreams fall out,
A hazy light shimmers through them. It casts no shadows.
My toes curl around the metal taps and I rise towards it.
I age quicker here.
I notice a new future, in prune lines etched along my hands.
The palm-reader is mistaken, there will be no loss ahead.
Only this moon, this white shining thing that I drift in.
There is no need for any other. I am kin to myself
And the rest of it can fall down down the plughole.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
By using the word "#8040BF ">skull" it makes me think the subject is a skeleton.
"#8040BF ">taps" Usually there's only one tap in a bathtub. Unless it's pretty old. You may want to keep this bathtub a modern one, though, to make the poem flow easily and not have to explain it's old-fashioned.
When you say "#8040BF ">fall" it comes a bit off-topic. If you're talking about a bathtub and a bath then you may want to say: #8040BF ">And the rest of it can flow down the plughole.
So, this was a really beautiful poem.
I loved all your imagery and the way you tied the whole thing together and flowed through your topic. I think this was a very pretty, and light piece that, although it seemed light, had a slightly heavier meaning than the reader might think at a first glance.
Great job with this
Keep writing,
Just
I actually really found this quite interesting. The metaphor behind the entirety of the poem is truly something to behold. I have but one critique to make on this piece, and its the last line. Personally, I feel like the ending line of a poem should come out with a POW and just hit you right in the face, or it should tie the entire piece together with meaning and feeling. The piece its self is overflowing with emotion and depth, yet, that last line doesn't really strike me as, per say, something to behold? It's more of an 'eh' kind of statement. If you just fix that up, you should be good to go
Hello Heart! Dogs here with your review of the day!!!! Great poem you have here. It has fantastic description and strong imagery which really paints an image in the readers. Head I also really like the idea behind this all and the metaphor that you decided to base this on. There are a few things, however, that I am a little confused on that you should either clarify in your poem or put in a little foot note explaining some of these things
For example when you say:
"I am stripped of all my powers"
Great line but it dosn't make sense, I am confused as to why you are stripped of your powers and how that feeds back into your story... also when you say:
"I age quicker here"
Again another great line but... why do you age quicker there? What happens in the bath tub that makes this happen. I have one more thing, when you say:
"And the rest of it can fall down the plughole"
Great line to end this out but Plughole...? Thats not the word I would use. Totally takes away the magic of the ending. You should use something like "drain" instead.
Thats all I really have to say. This was a good poem so Keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh