Published August 2, 2011
It was more than I could stand.
From the girl I loved, I let her hold my hand.
Let her treat me like second best.
She put me last, so I put my limits to the test.
She kissed the gun and closed her eyes.
I told her kneel and look towards the sky.
But after all is said and done, which one of us has really won?
So self obsessed, with a love unfound.
I let my tears keep falling to the ground.
And now you know the pain I felt from you,
you kissed my gun and now I'm done with you.
I knew your love was too good to be true.
Kept holding on, till my hands and heart were blue.
Always a fool hanging on the words you said.
Me needed like a bullet to your head.
And while Nancy sang "bang bang", you're dead.
I let you go and lit a cigarette.
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138,926 Literary Works • 672,328 Reviews
This is best thing I have read all day! I really enjoyed this piece of work and believe is one of our best pieces so far. It reminds me of a scene in the moulin rouge when Christian founds out his girlfriend has to sleep with the duke in order for the "show to go on". I personally believe that the imagery is also very good. Congrats on another great poem"
LonelyBones
nice... i liked it, but there really was no image to it. I'll be nice here and give you a four out of ten. Next time try to really imagen what the pain and feelings are and then give it a shot good luck.
Hello!
This poem is great in how you don't come right out and say what went on, but you are still able to fully understand it. Sometimes, it's better to hint at something than to say it blatantly. It gives it a deeper meaning and it's more enjoyable to read. Kudos to you for subtlety!
Let me point out something with the first two lines here.
I don't think you need the period after "stand" because the sentence continues on to the next line. I actually had to reread this a second time before I understood how it was supposed to go. I might even suggest putting a hyphen after "loved" instead of a comma because it's more like you're trying to elaborate on the point you've made in the first line.
This line has a lot of syllables, and it's disrupting the rhythm of the poem. I'm trying to think of another way to word this so it's shorter... "She put me last, I put limits to the test," nope, that's still too long. Just experiment with it until you find something that fits within the limit of syllables.
I'm pretty sure that there needs to be a hyphen between self and obsessed, since "self" is modifying "obsessed" and not the girl.
One thing that I noticed while I was reading this was that you referred to the girl as "she" and "her" in the first stanza, but halfway through the poem switch so that you are talking to her directly. This may be a little confusing.
Otherwise, great job!
~Devan
Nice. I liked this
but one problem: "Your dead". The "your" should be "you're" because you're is you are and your is expressig possesion. So "you're dead" would be better. Keep writing!!
~LP
First off, I love your signature!
Don't get me wrong- I love the story and the words, but the tempo felt too long. Loveeedd the imagry, but perhaps if we chopped the sentences in half or something? Idk, but ppleaassee PM me if you make any changes or anything! It's a great poem!