Published April 22, 2009
my heart only breaks
as she spreads her poisoned lie
its first of many
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141,456 Literary Works • 674,469 Reviews
Hi, poketheprincess! Today is the day you receive a wonderful review by yours truly.
I'm going line to line. Prepare for my greatness!
This is a great way to start a haiku, however there still needs to be more... in a haiku wait. Sometimes a collection of haikus mashed together help... a lot...
Who is "she", and if you really want to add more despair, I recommend adding in there "lie" to be plural - "lies".
Here's what goes on afterward:
Doesn't it seem more dramatic, sad, or something similar to that? Speaking of drama, where's the genre? Other, General doesn't really seem to fit.
Well, in order of this line to correspond with the second, we need to delete "its" (because haiku is okay that way), and then type in "ones" after first and of.
Overall, this could use some minimal support, but still very good. You have some areas here and there that have space for more improvement!
Keep writing!
~Kitty
It's alright. I have two main comments. One, capitalize the first word of every line and use punctuation at the end of each line. Two, this is very cliche. Broken hearts, poison, and lies. It seems like ideas that have all been done before. If you really want your works to stand out, try coming out with new, perhaps even unorthodox, ideas about love. That aside, great idea using the haiku. You don't see too many of those around.
Rarity
Your title is spelled wrong.
It should be "Haiku of Despair".
-Kylan