Lavender was asleep on the ground, her head resting on Lunar's back. The werewolf had taken his wolf form to please the child, and keep her warm in the cold clutches of night, but as the first morning rays of sunlight peaked through the treetops and danced upon the forest floor, Lunar took his human form. Lavender still resting on his stomach.
He carefully moved her aside so that he could get up and stretch and as he did so, he noticed a small rabbit under a bush. He smiled to himself, hoping breakfast would be easy, and pounced on the creature, taking the wolf form as he was in midair. The rabbit curled into a ball and looked up at Lunar with big black eyes. "Please spare me, sir. I was just out getting some grass for my family. I have children, sir. Seven of them! And the little one is sick, sir. I can't die now," the rabbit recited almost automatically. Lunar growled to himself. He hated the ones that talked. "Oh quit your sobbing. I wont kill you..." Lunar said angrily that he would have to go hunting further. "Oh bless you, sir!!" the rabbit said, as Lunar let the little creature go. Looking over Lunar's shoulder, though, the rabbit noticed the girl asleep on the ground. "What a funny looking elf," the rabbit said, cocking his head. "She's not an elf," Lunar said, irritated. "Much too tall to be a dwarf," the rabbit said, genuinely curious. Lunar made a low growl that the rabbit did not notice. "And it certainly couldn't be-" the rabbit stopped and looked up at Lunar, who had assumed his human form. "Human?" the rabbit said hopefully. Lunar nodded, but put his finger to his lips. "Hush, small thing. We don't want everyone knowing," he said, but the rabbit rubbed its eyes with its paws.
"I thought they had all gone. Left, once the Black Dragons came..."
"This is the last one," Lunar explained hesitantly. The rabbit nodded.
"Tell me...where is she going?" the rabbit asked, his voice weak with wonder and awe, but this time Lunar shook his head.
"Too much at risk, small one. I must keep her a secret from the rest of the world," his voice and face were unreadable, but the rabbit understood what was at risk. "Keep her safe. For all of us," he said and hopped off into the woods. Lunar smiled to himself and transformed back into a wolf to hunt for food.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well this is an interesting start. Not too often that we've got a werewolf who is roaming around in human farm as an attempt to actually be less alarming. More often than not it is completely the other way around there. Well, this is certainly an exciting moment to start with here, and quite mysterious too, I can't wait to see where this takes us.
Oh wow, this certainly opens up a whole myriad of possibilities there now doesn't it. I love the way you go about that one there. It definitely let's you know we've got something quite serious going on in the background, which is always a great way to have us readers continue reading, and on top of that we learn much more about this werewolf person and the creatures in this world in general.
Well that is quite the ending there. I love the tone this one's provided for us here. The only complaint I probably have is how on the nose the name Lunar happens to be for a werewolf but besides that particular thing, I love the way this has been setup here. I know I can't wait to see what could possibly happen next.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is good, but a bit confusing. That might just be me though. The only major thing I saw was that big paragraph, whenever someone new speaks there should be a new paragraph.
So instead of this:
It should be this:
The second paragraph just makes it easier to read. I also think that the rabbit should be capitalized since it's a specific rabbit whose talking, but I'm not positive. This caught my interest, let me know when you post the next bit!
- Stevie
This is really nice! It's good, and you tell hints about the future that make me curious. I liked it! Oh, and you stick with the langueg you chose, that's really impresive! You chose to write in high class english, and you stuck with it, and not many people are able to do that! There isn't much to critesise here, so PM me when the next chapter comes, okay?
Hello!! I'm going to review your piece.
Try the active voice. Lavender slept on the ground... Makes it flow nicer.
The werewolf had taken his wolf form to please the child and keep her warm in the cold clutches of the night, but as the first morning rays of sunlight peeked through the treetops and danced upon the forest floor, Lunar took his human form while Lavender rested on his stomach.
He carefully moved her aside so he could stretch, and as he did so, he noticed a small rabbit under a bush.
We understand he'll get up if he stretches.
WHOA! New speaker, new line please. A huge block of text like that scares away readers.
Get rid of the almost before automatically. It sounds strange.
Also, no need for the ellipse after the I won't kill you. (you forgot the apostrophe by the way)
Take out though after "Looking over lunar's shoulder". It disrupts the piece.
And small thing sounds...I don't know. It sounds awkward to me. But this is just me, not really something wrong with the piece.
And I think "but the rabbit rubbed its eyes with its paws" part would be better if "as" replaced "but".
Towards the end, apart from the "small one" there is nothing wrong. And the new speaker new line. That's all.
This is just my opinion, so it's up to you whether or not you change your piece. After all, you're the author and in the end, it's your work. XD
Yours truly,
Banango Cheesecake
As aforementioned, prologue is spelled "prologue," not prolague; though that may have just been a typo.
Instead of stating later that Lavender is a childhood, why not take advantage of diction and body stature? You could be more specific, if anything else; "was asleep" only shows that she is not awake. You could describe her form: curled up, etc. Instead of telling the reader that Lunar is a werewolf, I think slipping in hints would be better. For example, mentioning that she's lying on his "furred" back, or the some other feature that could clue in to Lunar's identity. Also, "peaked" should be "peeked," as peaked means "reaching the highest point." The last sentence is a sentence fragment, but attaching it to previous sentence would make an unsatisfying run-on. Personally, I think the paragraph could be reworded to be stronger, as it lacks hook and doesn't provide much in the way of information, or it tells it too directly.
Perhaps this could be reworded to reduce the repetition of "and?"
This shows more than it looks, specifically because of the word "hoping." He's a werewolf, yet he's unsure of himself catching a rabbit? Agile little buggers. Perhaps the girl has softened him up a bit, or since he can switch to "human form," he's part human and this is part of his psychology?
His dialogue seems quite immature for a werewolf; are you showing his age? Because if he's meant to be older, it doesn't come off that way. From his annoyed actions, he seems like an impatient teenager.
That should be the contraction "won't," which stands for will not. Why did you use ellipses? Those show that the dialogue is trailing off, but that doesn't seem to fit here. How about replacing them with a comma?
I would advise against the adverb use. When modifying said with an adverb, that's telling, and not letting the dialogue speak for itself.
That sentence is phrased incorrectly. The "that he would have to go hunting further" doesn't fit. Make that a separate sentence? Try reading it aloud and you'll see the awkwardness.
Maybe this is the way your werewolves are, merciful, but I don't see the logic in it. Why would a predator give up his prey because it begged for it?
I like how you showed through dialogue here.
Instead of telling, why don't you show? He's also a werewolf, so maybe he shows his agitation in different ways.
An animal's best sense is typically its sense of hearing, so I'm surprised the rabbit didn't notice; but I'm also surprised that Lunar, as I stated earlier, being impatient and rash, in my opinion, hasn't killed the little sucker yet.
I think "the" should be capitalized.
Hm, perhaps his human form is more aggressive.
Or not, haha.
"his voice and face were [...]" is not a tagline, so the comma after world should be a period, and then his would therefore be capitalized.
Either you're showing how grim the situation must've been, or the rabbit just had a personality shift. What you've hinted at regarding the plot is interesting, and you've vaguely built up a world, though some of it's a tad trite, with "the Black Dragons," though there's nothing wrong with it technically.
The ending was stronger than the prologue, though I felt it could've been improved to maintain a reader's attention and urge them to read more.
The big paragraph should be broken up. It would make it easier to read.
As the above reviewer mentioned, the review to post ratio should be 2:1.
That's all.
Okay - review time!
First item of note. "Prolague" is spelled "Prologue."
This doesn't seem like an opener at all for me. It leaves too much in question, and not in an interesting way, but a "wow that was sudden" sort of way. It could work even as soon as the second or third paragraph, but I think it needs before hand. I would also split up the bolded sentence. Maybe, "The werewolf had taken his wolf form to please the child, and keep her warm in the cold clutches of night. The first morning rays of sunlight were now peaking through the treetops, dancing upon the forest floor. The chill gone, Lunar took his human form again."
This paragraph needs to broken up quite a bit. You break up dialog - only one speaks per paragraph. Everywhere the rabbit stopped speaking and Lunar began, you need a new one.
As your beginning was too abrupt, so is your end. Is there any other way you can think to end it, rather than leaving it feeling so unfinished?
Overall: You did an excellent job with spelling, outside of the prologue mistake. There weren't any grammar errors I noticed, other than your lumped together paragraph. And all the material and content is good - it'd be just fine if it wasn't the prologue, but part of it, with a better opener and ending.
One other thing - Lunar isn't a good name for a werewolf, I don't think. It's too obvious, if you get what I mean.
Hope this was helpful!
Also - big note on this one. At the YWS, the rule is you need to have done 2 reviews before posting. The rule is you keep the ratio of reviews to posts at 2:1. Please go catch up on that!