Cemetary Sitting Realization

First of all, use punctuation. Really, this is ridiculously hard to read. I can't hold my breath that long and you don't convey yourself clearly without it. If you have any difficulties with this, reference "Eat, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynn Truss, a really good book on punctuation.

Second, I will delve into some particularly glaring parts of the poem for me:

But I will never be
A rose for thee

I really have issues with this last line. It's just icky. It sounds cliche. Get rid of it. Re-work it. Just don't leave it as it is right now. Personally, I think this rhyme scheme has trapped you into saying some uber cliche things like that. You should reconsider couplets and try maybe for solid alternating stanzas. Your command of rhythm proves that this sort of change shouldn't be a difficult task.

No time to die
But you can try

You're trapped in this rhyming couplet scheme and you've produced another weak line. "No time to die," is sort of interesting because it's a remake of a cliche phrase of "No time to waste," but "but you can try" is poor.

Also,

I'm sitting here too
But I can't be near you

Sort of doesn't make sense. If you are "here" and he is as well then you must be near him, right?

You're not breathing
You're dead and lifeless
Cold and fightless
Get up and fight
The dead one's plight

No. "The dead one's plight," well, what is it? This means nothing at all to me, especially if you don't explain it. If you mean the "dead man's plight" is to "get up and fight" then that makes no logical sense because dead people don't just get up and pull a Rocky. The dead man's plight is actually the opposite of this: to lay down and give up. For me, it seems as if you chose this because it sounds pretty good and happens to rhyme with "get up and fight." But as you can see, it doesn't work.

Also since your poem alludes to the person being dead in it's entirety you don't really need to dedicate these lines to him being dead. You literally said, "you're dead' so we've got the point here.

Our together forever
Will be never together
And I will always remember
Those roses in December
Waiting forever
For their never together
But I will never be
A rose for thee

What? Re-read this. I don't know if it's the lack of punctuation, but I have no idea what you just said. Here's a trick: write what you mean out into clear coherent sentences beside the stanza, then look at your poem. Does it convey what you wrote? Also, try reading the poem backwards and see what happens--if I'm right, you'll be unable to see the theme of your poem and get lost, something that would not happen in a poem with clearly marked stanzas and punctuation.

Again, I stress punctuation because it's IMPORTANT. Imagine if I took out all the silly commas, slashes and periods in what I wrote. It would be chaos--complete and utter chaos.

But I can't leave you with all this criticism without throwing some positives.

I like the idea.

Also, you have good mastery of rhythm. unmarkedterritory wasn't lying at all. If one were to read this poem aloud it would of course sound very nice and sophisticated, but I'm sure you want more than that. You want your poem to BE as good as it sounds, right?

So please consider my comments.

I look forward to what becomes of it.


Yatta!