Published January 16, 2006
To be honest when it comes to writing poetry or anything else for that matter I don’t know what I’m doing so here it goes just tell me what you think all critiques are welcome. Thanks
What do you do when your world crashes in?
When everything is going wrong and there’s nowhere to turn?
Is that the time to hide from the world?
Is it a time to be alone or a time to be with someone special?
Where to go to be alone?
Is it possible to be alone when thoughts are a storm in the mind?
Pounding at the edges breaking into the peace,
A barrage of ideas in the mind
Ideas the storm of the mind
Can I talk to those around me or is it just my paper whom I can speak?
Do my friends understand or my family this barrage
The baggage in my mind of things to say and think those which can’t be said and shouldn’t be thought.
Do I tell you everything in my mind those things best not said?
Should I tell you the storms in my mind?
Who do I tell my paper?
A paper hmmm…
Could it be?
Something to place my terrible thoughts on without hurting anyone else.
Is it really so simple?
A piece of paper and a pen what better thing could there be?
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This is good for a first attempt at poetry! Now, let's see here ...
This stanza is entirely too repetitive with "the mind". Shake it up a little, expand!
I like how you minimized on the question marks, in the first stanza especially; it definitely helps to make your ideas a lot clearer and more accessable.
The first and third lines of these stanzas need to be shortened dramatically. How about a break between "on/without" in the first line and between "pen/what" in the third? And I don't know whether you want a question mark at the end of the last line or not, but I think you definitely need a comma between "pen/what" to seperate two different ideas.
I'm surprised this is your first poem ever; it's really quite good! Just keep working and thinking about peoples' crits seriously (like I see you have been doing), and I know that you'll feel yourself excelling in no time!
I got your pm!! Okay let's see what I can do... I recopied it so that I can show you where the errors and stuff are. I'll put that stuff in all caps.
I hope I didn't tear it apart too bad.
What do you do
when your world crashes in?
IN? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. I'D TAKE THAT OUT.
When everything is going wrong
Then there is nowhere to turn(.)
IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE AND THERE, NOT THEN CUZ THAT MAKES NO SENSE EITHER.
Is that the time to hide from the world?
Or is it a time to be alone (?)
or a time to be with someone special?
OR NEEDS TO BE CAPITALIZED.
Where to go to be alone?
Is it possible to be alone NEED NEW LINE ON THIS PART WHICH I DID. WHEN CAPITALIZED.
when thoughts are a storm in the mind?
Pounding at the edges NEED COMMA HERE. NEW LINE EVERYTIME THERE IS A COMMA
breaking into the peace,
A barrage of ideas in the mind
WHAT IS A BARRAGE? NEED COMMA AFTER MIND
Ideas the storm of the mind (.)
Can I talk to those around me (OR)
is it just my paper whom I can speak (TO)?
IS NEEDS TO BE CAPITALIZED
my friends don't understand
MY NEEDS TO BE CAPITALIZED
nor does my family these images
NOR CAPITALIZED AND YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE WITH THESE IMAGES...SHOULD IT BE SEE THESE?
The baggage in my mind of things to say PROBABLY SHOULD PUT HAS LOTS OF
or think those which can’t be said and shouldn’t be thought. THIS LINE DOESN'T FIT NEXT. NEED CAPITALIZATION.
Do I tell you everything in my mind (?) NEW LINE HERE WHICH I DID.
those things best not said? CAPITALIZATION NEEDED.
Should I tell you the storms in my mind? OF THE....
Who do I tell?
Something to place my terrible thoughts on without hurting anyone else.
Is it really so simple?
A piece of paper and a pen what better thing could there be (?)
OKAY THE LAST LINE DOESN'T FIT WITH THE REST OF THE POEM. I GET WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY, BUT IT DOESN'T FIT RIGHT HERE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD ADD IT AFTER MORE EXPLANATION OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. OVERALL, IT'S A GOOD POEM AND I CAN RELATE TO IT. I'M SO GLAD YOU FINALLY POSTED SOMETHING!! See ya at school tomorrow.
Thank you all for your advice as I said I'm going at this blindly so I'll take all the criticisms you have and come back asking for more.
Here's a revision but as you said it doesn't end it just stops
What do you do
when your world crashes in?
When everything is going wrong
Then there is nowhere to turn
Is that the time to hide from the world?
Or is it a time to be alone
or a time to be with someone special?
Where to go to be alone?
Is it possible to be alone when thoughts are a storm in the mind?
Pounding at the edges breaking into the peace,
A barrage of ideas in the mind
Ideas the storm of the mind
Can I talk to those around me
is it just my paper whom I can speak?
my friends don't understand
nor does my family these images
The baggage in my mind of things to say
or think those which can’t be said and shouldn’t be thought.
Do I tell you everything in my mind those things best not said?
Should I tell you the storms in my mind?
Who do I tell?
Something to place my terrible thoughts on without hurting anyone else.
Is it really so simple?
A piece of paper and a pen what better thing could there be
i agree with the others - but i must also just include one more critic:
the "hmmmmm" really irks me, and i just think you could rephraze this better, or just tie it up. it just sort of...stops, you know?
ehh just trying.
GREAT first, though. my first consisted of dead people in clouds and rivers. =]
The poem's based on a lot of confusing questions- you're confused and the reader is also confused. I suggest you take out some things that don't seem to fit or are excessive. Right now, there's a lot of things that seem much more like just questions and are bothersome to read.
Some parts were very forward, like this:
Something to place my terrible thoughts on without hurting anyone else.
It makes the poem seem much more like an idea of what you are going to write, not the actual poem. It's a good base, but it could be developed better.
thanks for your help i didn't know how to break it up so i was just going at it blindly
Okay, you need to think of a better layout. The content doesn't really matter here but don't have line lengths that vary that much! For example, I'd break up the first stanza into something like this:
Sorry to crash on you so hard! 
"What do you do
when your world crashes in?
When everything is going wrong
and there’s nowhere to turn?
Is that the time to hide from the world?
Is it a time to be alone
or a time to be with someone special?"
You don't have to do it exactly like that, but when you have lines that long it makes it very difficult to read. This is great though for your first poem. Keep writing and working at it!