Bluebirds on Grey Days

This is what the poem meant to me: us against them. The people who appreciate sadness versus the bring and happy people whose colors we don't think are actual colors, but more like plastic than the soft natural colors we've taken as our banner. The battle of the labeled "depressed" versus the "normal people" as they would probably consider themselves? That's what it reached to for me. Not saying it's right, but that's my interpretation, so if that's not what you meant or something you don't want to say, you can work as you need to.

Now, as for the presentation of the poem, I don't like the repetition of two stanzas so close together starting with but. It's like "but this, but then also this", which just shows no organization of thought, 'cause if it were straightened out, you'd make sure to have just one "but".

The sudden anger paired with the calmness of the bluebird kind of jars me. I think tinting the reds and whites through the blues would help us get the idea of the tension between the two groups without suddenly breaking away from the soft introduction?

What made you want to take the poem beyond "On a rainy, cloudy day" in the first place?

PM me with responses, questions, or comments, alright? Good luck! Push on~ Keep writing. ^_^

Hey!

Starleene here!

Let’s just jump right in then, shall we? I think stanza by stanza should suit us just fine, don’t you think?

“well I've seen colors
and hands and faces,
all blues and sullen purples,”

To begin, capitalization is key. It lets the read know when a new thought is beginning. I like the last line. Sullen purples adds a new depth to the colour besides just saying purple.

“And one time
I watched one change
like moonlight to a summer night
and that was one thing nice,”

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t understand what’s changing here. What did you watch change? I think here you should change the last comma to a period that way you can start the next stanza without a transition word like “but.”

“but most times
we watch and work
as blues just fade to grey
like a bluebird sitting still,”

Take out but. I think it adds a sort of elegance not to have to may transition words. “As blues just fade to grey.” Magnificent.

“On a rainy, cloudy day”

I don’t understand why you would suddenly enter single stanzas in the middle of a poem but to each poet his own.

“But others
they don't look at colors,
they just look at us,
and words and sounds,
all reds and hopeful whites”

Who is us? Comma after others, it’s like a dramatic pause. Semi colon after colors and period after us. Take out and and you’ll have a delightful stanza.

“Like bullshit on obituaries
easy, happy lies,”

With the adding of the profanity it adds a sort of dark, dreariness to the poem. I do enjoy the last line though and I find it, unfortunately, very true. Period after lies.

“They gave us a name
they say for direction,
but they'd like to strangle us with it too,”

Hmm I am beginning to get the meaning of your piece but I could be wrong. I think each person interprets a piece entirely different than the next and also comma after name.

“Maybe then they'd see some colors,
sullen purples,
hopeless blue.”

Favourite stanza. Love, love, love it.

Watch your punctuation! When you’re writing, always go with your first instinct, you’re usually right. Any who, I like it. It’s very dreary but in a good way.

Keep writing!

Starleene Out.