A History of Nuclear Genocide

This was very unique, it felt very organic as if you were watching this all happen in front of your eyes. My favourite line is :-

"One thing comes careening into another,
Sending it into another and that one even, into another,"

This repetition of the word 'another' really comes across strong. As if it is constant, a juggernaut you can't move out of the way of or avoid. It's inevitable. It felt very much like a look into people rather than the universe for me, as if everything is predisposed to cause destruction, to rip each other apart. The universe does it and so do we. Like we don't have a choice.

I did feel however that the structure was a little broken but maybe that was the point. It also has the word 'careening' in it twice, they're not next to each other but it stood out when I read it, a different word maybe to mix it up, make it feel more chaotic.

Hope this helps,

LMJ

Hey Pletta!

This is an eye-opener. It's an interesting blend between science and our humanistic world. You have drawn a good parallel that is clear between the random and destructive nature of fundamental particles and ourselves as humans.

Thought provoking. But on a side note I am going to analyze your poem and draw the ancient knowledge I've learnt from school and apply to yours.


"Talk about how things take each other part,
Right where they hold together,"

-It should be: 'Take each other apart'


'One thing comes careening into another,
Sending it into another and that one even, into another,
Again, breaking where they held on,
Where others try to hold on,
Ten billion times in one ten billionth of a second,'

- Now normally the lack of rhyme will break the musicality of the poem, but here I am suspecting a serious tone and the melancholic treatment towards the subject.
Also the repetition seems to be over-emphasizing, that I feel pushed to take the message heavily. I assume that's the feeling you want and thus you have achieved it over here.


"We are atoms and electrons -free radicals,
And we are angry and hateful and cold, absent sons,
And we are petty and despairing and sad, drunken mothers,"

-This is quite good. I love how you connect the concept of science with the random emotions of the human heart. Yet it is a mystery of the human condition. The depressing tone here is coherent to the lack of rhyme and the stanzas that come before it.


"One electron ionizes another and the rest follow suit."

-I have a problem with the ending here of course. Because when you say one electron ionizes another, do you mean one life symbolically corrupts another? Or that one person has the power to change another? Either way this lone stanza does not really fit in to the flow of the poem. You might want to re-think how to end this: a dramatic message, a cyclical flow or open-ended.

Overall I was quite drawn into the poem so keep going at it, I am quite a nuclear/quantum physics maniac so you appealed to my taste!

I really like the way you've fully explored the metaphors you used; it's pretty unique actually and I really enjoyed reading it. It had a good flow to it too. However, I think using a semicolon instead of a comma after " I disagree" would be better. Other than that, good job.