Stay away from that window, Theres ghouls around.
Ill tell you a story, If you wont make a sound.
Its about a man I knew, in the beginning of this.
His name was Jimmy, and with a gun he never missed.
Now we all make mistakes, but his was pretty big.
He fell asleep on guard duty, like a stupid lazy pig.
He woke up suddenly, and let out a “blech!”
Because it hardly comfortable, when a zombie eats your neck.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem made me chuckle at the end. It's not bad at all, though it could use some improvement. Namely, the punctuation and capitalization need work. Poetry follows the same rules of grammar as prose, and right now, this poem doesn't. It's a quick fix, though. The second thing that could use improvement is the line lengths. Since this is a rhyming poem, it's particularly important that the rhythm is consistent, and an easy way to ensure that is to have the rhyming lines be the same number of syllables. Right now, you've got a couple of lines that are longer/shorter than the line they're supposed to rhyme with, which throws off the rhythm, and in turn the rhyme.
Overall, this wasn't a bad start, and it was a fun little poem.
This is a cool poem. It kind of reminds me of one of those nursery rhymes from elementary school that taught you a lesson, but this poem has a sci-fi twist to it. The only things I would change are to start a new line where you now have commas in the middle of the lines. For example, in the first line, divide it so "stay away from that window" is its own line and "there's ghouls around" its own line. Also, where you have "dumb" in "big dumb lazy pig," I would change it to "stupid to fit the rhythm better. And one typo in the last line, "it" should be "it's." Other than those things, great job! You really know how to make a poem that has good rhythm and rhymes! Keep writing!
~Amylith