Young Writers Society

I dunno. Its not exactly very original. Whooo, new house. Whooo, creepy old woman with shotgun. Whooo, beasties.
Occasionally, your characters talk too... I dunno, not how people talk.

“We should stop and say hi”, Anne mentioned. “She is probably lonely staying their by herself all the time”.

“Who the hell are ya”, she asked.

Around eight that night Anne was microwaving popcorn in the little microwave on the counter and Dave was popping a tape into the VCR on the living room floor.

I gave my teacher a copy and never heard anything about it. I never really liked her anyways. and I see what you mean sitkasjunk, Ill fix it.

Ok, its obvious your a good writer, a lot of potential, but you need a more original idea. Do you know how many scary stories very similiar to this one there are? Billions! And sentences like the one below you shouldn't repeat the word microwave say something like Anne heated popcorn in the microwave, not microwaved it in the microwave. Otherwise the story is extremely average but has potential, and there are a lot of grammer issues.

"Around eight that night Anne was microwaving popcorn in the little microwave on the counter...."

playerj09 wrote:I need this reviewed because it is a contest entry at my school and I dont trust my teacher

Anne lifted the last box marked dishes/(no space) utensils out from the back of the rented U-Haul and slid it
across the floor to Dave.


“That’s the last of them”, Anne said with a sigh of relief.


“Thank God”, Dave mumbled.


“Aww(comma) don’t tell me you are already tired”. Anne teased him as she jumped down from the truck to the gravel driveway. She wiped the dust from her hands on her jeans and followed her husband into their new house. Dave flopped down on the couch that was pointed towards the TV and VCR that both were laying on the floor. Stacks of boxes were everywhere. Dave glanced at his watch while laying on his back on the couch. The digital watch read 11:34am.


“What are we doing for lunch”? Dave asked.


“I was thinking that we should go into town and do a little exploring”. Anne responded


“Sounds good to me”, Dave said. They both walked out of the house and Dave locked the door. While he was starting they’re red Saber he thought to himself why he even locked it. The only house for five miles was half a mile down the road and the realtor had said only an old woman lived there. The house was old and all the paint was chipping off. There was a huge oak tree in the front lawn that’s golden leaves sprinkled the dead lawn.


They drove down the worn out paved road towards the small town passing no other cars on their way.
The town was had scarecrows and jack-o-lanterns setup on every corner. the leaves from the hibernating trees were blown about the streets by the wind. Banners were hung from the streetlamps advertising for Halloween and it was obvious that this was a favorite time for the citizens.
Dave and Anne walked into a small diner that was 1950’s themed and were greeted by a warm smile from the middle aged waitress holing a coffee pot.


“Just the two of you”?(no space) She asked.


“(capital Y)yeah”,(no space) Dave replied.


They were seated by a window and ate they’re lunch when they were done they visited a few shops and picked up some supplies for dinner that night. On their way back to the house they came upon the old woman’s house. Anne noticed the woman’s silhouette through the screen that enclosed the porch.


“We should stop and say hi”, Anne mentioned. “She is probably lonely staying their by herself all the time”.


“Maybe she likes it that way”, Dave argued. Anne shot him a playfully mean look. ”Alright” Dave replied quickly avoiding a lecture on his anti-social ways. He pulled up in the driveway and got out of the car.


“Who the hell are ya(question mark)”,(no space) she asked.


“Uh, we just moved in down the street”(no space) Dave said a little taken back.


“When they come, don’t come here(comma)” (no space)She said grimly


“Who are- ” , Anne managed to blurt out.


“Get off my property before I blast you off”,(comma the quation mark). the lady warned. Dave and Anne saw a shotgun silhouette go across the woman’s lap. Quickly they got back into their little car and drove off down the road to they’re house.


“Some neighbors we have here”,(same as before) Dave said on the way back.


“What was she talking about?” Anne asked.


“Who knows she is just a crazy old lady(comma)” Dave answered.
The rest of the day was spent unpacking the boxes and putting furniture back together. The two story farm house was surrounded by a sea of amber dead grass. The closest woods were behind the old woman’s house.


Around eight that night Anne was microwaving popcorn in the little microwave on the counter and Dave was popping a tape into the VCR on the living room floor. The microwave beeped three times and Anne pulled the steaming bag of popcorn out and carefully pulled it open. When she walked into the living room Dave was already sitting down and the previews had started. She sat down and laid her head on Dave’s big shoulder. The action flick started and they watched it about half way through(comma) until they both fell asleep on the couch.


Dave awoke with no memory of were he was or how he got there. He took a slow look around and looked at Anne, who was still dozing placidly, then his memory came back to him and he got up to use the restroom (this sounds weird.. i would chose a different word, like bathroom). He walked through the kitchen on his way and noticed a yellow green dot of light for only a second.


“Little late for lightning bugs”,(comma then quation marks) he murmured to himself then continued on his way to the restroom.(i would use bathroom)
He walked back through the maze of boxes towards the living room again. Remembering the lighting bug he stopped at the window above the sink and looked out over the field. The light came into view again only this time it was much closer and there were several pairs that followed each other. He looked harder at the small dots that floated around a foot above the ground. They looked like… eyes? Yes they were eyes David realized but eyes of what? He walked fast to the living room and woke up Anne.


“Come look at this”! (exclamation mark than quation mark) He yelled. “There is something outside”. (period then quation mark)


“Alright, alright I’m coming”.(comma before quation mark and no period.) She mumbled
When they reached the kitchen window and looked out there was nothing


“OK I am going back to sleep”.(comma not period, and before quation mark) Anne said.


“But(comma) there was something I swear.” Dave defended himself.
Anne didn’t reply she just went back to laying on the couch on the couch. Dave took another look out the window and, seeing nothing, went back to the couch also.
Dave lay awake for another hour thinking about what he had seen. Had he really seen anything? He felt sure he had.
There was a sound like a knife scraping against wood. It was so sudden that Dave jumped in his seat on the couch, waking Anne up.


“What’s wrong now”?(question mark then quation marks) She asked, obviously annoyed.


“I though I heard something”, (comma first.) Dave said quietly.


“Old houses make noise, Dave.(comma instead)” Anne said
The noise happened again. It was coming from the front door. They both heard it that time(period)


“See”. (comma not period and put it before) Dave said quietly (period)
Once more it happened. Dave got up slowly and walked half-way to the door.(capital T) the sound happened again only this time it was longer and louder. Dave paused, his heart was beating faster now he wanted to know what was happening but was frightened to open the door. He built his courage back up and finally arrived at the door. He stood a foot away from it for what seemed like hours.


“Look”, (comma before) Anne (lowercase u)Urged from the couch


“I will”. He said confidently, betraying his apprehension.
He slowly put his eye to the peep hole. He saw nothing but the noise echoed through the house again. Dave fell backwards, scared of whatever was behind the door.


“Just come back” Anne pleaded.
But Dave had come to far already to not find out what was making the noise.


“I’m sure it’s nothing” He promised
He got back to his feet and grabbed the door knob. Slowly he unlocked the door and opened it just a crack. He peered through the tiny slot and saw nothing. He opened it a little more. Still nothing. Then he opened the door enough that he could have walked out. He observed the gravel driveway, they’re car and the rental truck.


Then the lights suddenly reappeared at his feet he saw that they weren’t just lights they were eyes! And they weren’t just eyes they were attached to a skinny creature with a grayish purple hue. Huge slim fingers that dragged across the ground were at the end of the arms and a small head with no features except the glowing eyes. Before Dave could even scream the creature was at his feet and the huge fingers flicked out and cut his legs to the bone. He fell backwards helplessly. Anne shrieked and the creature leapt from the doorway to the couch and cut Anne fatally.


Dave was so shocked he didn’t make any noise as three more similar creatures walked right over him and congregated to the corpse that was Anne. Dave tried to regain his feet and run out but only made it to the steps of the porch then fell to the ground. His tears were flowing freely from the combination of fear, the loss of Anne and the pain in his leg. He tried to get back to his feet again but a new set of eyes was coming for him quickly. It jumped on his chest their eyes met and Dave let loose a shriek and it was the last sound he ever made.


A half mile down the road the old woman threw five packages of hamburger out the window and sat back down with her shotgun across her lap.

Did I ever Say thanks for all the reviews I got on this? I appreciate it everyone. You helped me get first place!! it was like a year ago though....

Ok, I had a whole load of things ready to critique on but eeryone's already summed them up!

One thing in general that I noticed about this story was it was a bit like: "she did this, he said that" make it a lot more personal, build their characters - at the moment we know nothing about them. It's all a bit casual-normally at the start then suddenly it stops and goes "OMG! crazy old lady" then it goes back to samey-not much happening then "OMG! again". Build up more tension have the reader falling off of their seats in apprehension

You've got a good idea going here, it just needs a little tweaking here and there. It has loads of potential!

playerj09 wrote:I need this reviewed because it is a contest entry at my school and I dont trust my teacher You got it, playerj! I'm ready to review!

Anne lifted the last box marked dishes/ utensils out from the back of the rented U-Haul and slid it
across the floor to Dave.


“That’s the last of them”, Anne said with a sigh of relief.


“Thank God”, Dave mumbled.


“Aww comma don’t tell me you are already tired”. comma instead of a period here Anne teased him as she jumped down from the truck to the gravel driveway. She wiped the dust from her hands on her jeans and followed her husband into their new house. Dave flopped down on the couch that was pointed towards the TV and VCR that both were laying on the floor. Try to make this previous sentence smoother. Sounds kind of odd to me. Stacks of boxes were everywhere. Expand more here...what else can you describe about the house? And what are Anne and Dave's thoughts on the house? Stuff like that will make your story flow even better. Dave glanced at his watch while laying on his back on the couch. [s]The digital watch[/s] No need for this. Just say "It" Short and to the point read 11:34am.


“What are we doing for lunch”? Dave asked.


“I was thinking that we should go into town and do a little exploring”. comma instead of a period here Anne responded


“Sounds good to me”, Dave said. They both walked out of the house comma and Dave locked the door. While he was starting they’re red Saber he thought to himself why he even locked it. The only house for five miles was half a mile down the road and the realtor had said only an old woman lived there. The house was old and all the paint was chipping off. There was a huge oak tree in the front lawn that’s golden leaves sprinkled the dead lawn. Are you talking about the old woman's house or their house...because it is kind of confusing here. Try to clear up a little.


They drove down the worn out paved road towards the small town passing no other cars on their way.
The town [s]was[/s] had scarecrows and jack-o-lanterns setup on every corner. the leaves from the hibernating trees [s]were[/s] blown about the streets by the wind. Banners were hung from the streetlamps advertising for Halloween and it was obvious that this was a favorite time for the citizens.
Dave and Anne walked into a small diner that was 1950’s themed and were greeted by a warm smile from the middle aged waitress [s]holing[/s] holding a coffee pot.


“Just the two of you”? [s]She[/s] "she" instead. Lowercase "s" when you have a tag asked.


“yeah”, Dave replied.


They were seated by a window and ate they’re lunch and when they were done they visited a few shops and picked up some supplies for dinner that night. All right, I feel like you go really fast. Go into more detail about their lunch or make a significant point about it. Otherwise, reader's can loose interest if you move too fast. We still don't know a lot about the personalities of your characters. This might be the perfect time to do it. On their way back to the house they came upon the old woman’s house. Anne noticed the woman’s silhouette through the screen that enclosed the porch.


“We should stop and say hi”, Anne mentioned. “She is probably lonely staying [s]their[/s] there by herself all the time”.


“Maybe she likes it that way”, Dave argued. Anne shot him a playfully mean look. ”Alright” comma Dave replied quickly avoiding a lecture on his anti-social ways. He pulled up in the driveway and got out of the car.


“Who the hell are ya”, she asked. Is this old lady? Did she leave the porch? Describe more here.


“Uh, we just moved in down the street” Dave said a little taken back.


“When they come, don’t come here” comma and lowercase "s" on "she" She said grimly


“Who are- ” , Anne managed to blurt out.


“Get off my property before I blast you off”, the lady warned. Dave and Anne saw a shotgun silhouette go across the woman’s lap. Quickly they got back into their little car and drove off down the road to they’re house.


“Some neighbors we have here”, Dave said on the way back. How did he say this. Sarcastically? Expand.


“What was she talking about?” Anne asked.


“Who knows she is just a crazy old lady” Dave answered.

The rest of the day was spent unpacking the boxes and putting furniture back together. The two story farm house was surrounded by a sea of amber dead grass. The closest woods were behind the old woman’s house. Here's another perfect opportunity to go into more detail. Go ahead and describe the house in more length. Make is sound creepy; create the atmosphere for the reader!


Around eight that night Anne was microwaving popcorn [s]in the little microwave on the counter[/s] No need to say this. The reader can guess this much. and Dave was popping a tape into the VCR on the living room floor. The microwave beeped three times and Anne pulled the steaming bag of popcorn out and carefully pulled it open. What does it smell like? Do they like butter on their popcorn? Make it personal for your MC's. When she walked into the living room Dave was already sitting down and the previews had started. She sat down and laid her head on Dave’s big shoulder. The action flick started and they watched it about half way through until they both fell asleep on the couch.


Dave awoke with no memory of [s]were[/s] where he was or how he got there. He took a slow look around and looked at Anne, who was still dozing placidly, then his memory came back to him and he got up to use the restroom. He walked through the kitchen on his way and noticed a yellow green dot of light for only a second.


“Little late for lightning bugs”, he murmured to himself then continued on his way to the restroom. Make this transition smoother here. He walked back through the maze of boxes towards the living room again. Remembering the lighting bug he stopped at the window above the sink and looked out over the field. The light came into view again only this time it was much closer and there were several pairs that followed each other. He looked harder at the small dots that floated around a foot above the ground. They looked like… eyes? Yes they were eyes comma David realized comma but eyes of what? He walked fast to the living room and woke up Anne.


“Come look at this”! He lowercase "h" on "he" because it is a tag. yelled. “There is something outside”.


“Alright, alright I’m coming”. She mumbled
When they reached the kitchen window and looked out there was nothing


“OK I am going back to sleep”. comma instead of a period Anne said.


“But there was something comma I swear.” comma instead of a period here Dave defended himself.

Anne didn’t reply she just went back to laying on the couch on the couch. Dave took another look out the window and, seeing nothing, went back to the couch also. Make this moment more suspenseful. What did the eyes really look like? Did Dave's heart start pounding? Was he sweating in fear? Describe all these things.

Dave lay awake for another hour thinking about what he had seen. Had he really seen anything? He felt sure he had.

There was a sound like a knife scraping against wood. It was so sudden that Dave jumped in his seat on the couch, waking Anne up. Another suspenseful moment. Really play it up


“What’s wrong now”? She asked, obviously annoyed.


“I though I heard something”, Dave said quietly.


“Old houses make noise, Dave.” comma instead of a period here Anne said

The noise happened again. It was coming from the front door. They both heard it that time


“See”. Dave said quietly

Once more it happened. Dave got up slowly and walked half-way to the door. [s]the[/s] The sound happened again only this time it was longer and louder. Dave paused, his heart was beating faster now he wanted to know what was happening but was frightened to open the door. He built his courage back up and finally arrived at the door. He stood a foot away from it for what seemed like hours.


“Look”, Anne Urged from the couch


“I will”. comma instead of a period here and also a lowercase "h" on "he" He said confidently, betraying his apprehension.
He slowly put his eye to the peep hole. He saw nothing but the noise echoed through the house again. Dave fell backwards, scared of whatever was behind the door.


“Just come back” comma Anne pleaded.
But Dave had come to far already to not find out what was making the noise.


“I’m sure it’s nothing” comma and lowercase "h" on "he" He promised
He got back to his feet and grabbed the door knob. Slowly he unlocked the door and opened it just a crack. He peered through the tiny slot and saw nothing. He opened it a little more. Still nothing. Then he opened the door enough that he could have walked out. He observed the gravel driveway, they’re car and the rental truck.


Then the lights suddenly reappeared at his feet he saw that they weren’t just lights they were eyes! And they weren’t just eyes they were attached to a skinny creature with a grayish purple hue. Huge slim fingers that dragged across the ground were at the end of the arms and a small head with no features except the glowing eyes. Before Dave could even scream the creature was at his feet and the huge fingers flicked out and cut his legs to the bone. He fell backwards helplessly. Anne shrieked and the creature leapt from the doorway to the couch and cut Anne fatally. All right, I know I should be like "Oh No, Not Anne!!!" but I just don't feel that Try to really make the reader feel for her. Make it dramatic. It's okay


Dave was so shocked he didn’t make any noise as three more similar creatures walked right over him and congregated to the corpse that was Anne. Dave tried to regain his feet and run out but only made it to the steps of the porch then fell to the ground. His tears were flowing freely from the combination of fear, the loss of Anne comma and the pain in his leg. He tried to get back to his feet again but a new set of eyes was coming for him quickly. It jumped on his chest their eyes met and Dave let loose a shriek and it was the last sound he ever made.


A half mile down the road the old woman threw five packages of hamburger out the window and sat back down with her shotgun across her lap. Good ending sentence but maybe have the old lady laughing hystericaly to herself or have her smirking knowingly so the reader realizes that the lady predicted this happening to the people, you know? Just a thought to consider.

playerj09 wrote:I need this reviewed because it is a contest entry at my school and I don't trust my teacher Comments in red

Anne lifted the last box marked dishes/no space here utensils out from the back of the rented U-Haul and slid it [no new paragraph here.[/color]across the floor to Dave.


“That’s the last of them[s]”,[/s] ," Anne said with a sigh of relief.
THe ounctuation always goes inside the quotes.

“Thank God[s]”,[/s][color=red]," Dave mumbled.


“Aww don’t tell me you are already tired[s]”.[/s] ," Anne teased him as she jumped down from the truck to the gravel driveway. If the person speaking goes after the quote, it's never a period. Ex. "Anne teased, "Don't tell me you're tired already." vs. "Don't tell me you're tired already," Anne teased. Make sense? She wiped the dust from her hands on her jeans and followed her husband into their new house. Dave flopped down on the couch that was pointed towards the TV and VCR [s]that both were[/s] laying on the floor. Stacks of boxes were everywhere. Dave glanced at his watch [s]while laying on his back on the couch[/s]. You've already told us he's doing this, you don't have to repeat it. [s]The digital watch[/s] It read 11:34space here[s]am[/s] AM.


“What are we doing for lunch[s]”?[/s]?" Dave asked.


“I was thinking that we should go into town and do a little exploring[s]”.[/s] ," Anne responded.


“Sounds good to me[s]”,[/s]," Dave said. They both walked out of the house and Dave locked the door. While he was starting [s]they’re[/s] their red Saber he thought to himself why he even locked it. The only house for five miles was half a mile down the road and the [s]r[/s]Realtor had said only an old woman lived there. The house was old and all the paint was chipping off. There was a huge oak tree in the front lawn [s]that’s[/s] whose golden leaves sprinkled the dead lawn.


They drove down the worn out paved road towards the small town, passing no other cars on their way.
The town [s]was[/s] had scarecrows and jack-o-lanterns setup on every corner. the leaves from the hibernating trees were blown about the streets by the wind. Banners were hung from the streetlamps advertising for Halloween and it was obvious that this was a favorite time for the citizens.
Dave and Anne walked into a small diner [s]that was 1950’s themed[/s]themed from the 1950's[/color] and were greeted by a warm smile from the middle aged waitress holding a coffee pot.


“Just the two of you[s]”?[/s]?" She asked.


“[s]y[/s]Yeah[s]”,[/s]," Dave replied.
First letter inside a quote is always capitalized.

They were seated by a window and ate [s]they’re[/s]their lunch. [s]w[/s]When they were done they visited a few shops and picked up some supplies for dinner that night. On their way back to the house they came upon the old woman’s house. Anne noticed the woman’s silhouette through the screen that enclosed the porch.


“We should stop and say hi[s]”,[/s]," Anne mentioned.I think suggested would fit better here. “She is probably lonely staying [s]their[/s]there by herself all the time[s]”.[/s]."


“Maybe she likes it that way[s]”,[/s]," Dave argued. Anne shot him a playfully mean look. ”Alright,” Dave replied quickly, avoiding a lecture on his anti-social ways. He pulled up in the driveway and got out of the car.


“Who the hell are ya[s]”,[/s]?" she asked. We can tell she's asking this, maybe instead you could put snapped or something. Also, you should replace "she" with "the old lady" so ignorant readers don't hink you're talking about Anne.


“Uh, we just moved in down the street,” Dave said, a little taken back.


“When they come, don’t come here,” She said grimly.


“Who are- [s]” ,[/s] ," Anne managed to blurt out.


“Get off my property before I blast you off”, the lady warned. Dave and Anne saw a shotgun silhouette go across the woman’s lap. Quickly they got back into their little car and drove off down the road to [s]they’re[/s]their house.


“Some neighbors we have here[s]”,[/s]," Dave said on the way back.


“What was she talking about?” Anne asked.


“Who knows; she is just a crazy old lady,” Dave answered.
The rest of the day was spent unpacking the boxes and putting furniture back together. The two story farm house was surrounded by a sea of amber dead grass. The closest woods were behind the old woman’s house.


Around eight that night Anne was microwaving popcorn in the little microwavemicrowaving in the microwave. Tends to happen. Try another adjective. Popping or something. on the counter and Dave was popping a tape into the VCR on the living room floor. The microwave beeped three times. [s]and[/s] Anne [s]pulled[/s]took out might be better. That way you don't use "pulled" twice in the sentence. the steaming bag of popcorn out and carefully pulled it open. When she walked into the living room Dave was already sitting down and the previews had started. She sat down and laid her head on Dave’s big shoulder. The action flick started and they watched it about half way through until they both fell asleep on the couch.


Dave awoke with no memory of where he was or how he got there. He took a slow look around and looked at Anne, who was still dozing placidly, then his memory came back to him and he got up to use the restroom. He walked through the kitchen and on his way [s]and[/s] noticed a yellow-green dot of light for only a second.


“Little late for lightning bugs[s]”,[/s]," he murmured to himself, then continued on his way to the restroom.
When he'd finished, he [s]He[/s] walked back through the maze of boxes towards the living room again. Remembering the lighting bug he stopped at the window above the sink and looked out over the field. The light came into view again only this time it was much closer and there were several pairs that followed each other. He looked harder at the small dots that floated around a foot above the ground. They looked like… eyes? Yes; they were eyes, David realized[color=red,[/color] but eyes of what? He walked fast to the living room and woke up Anne.


“Come look at this[s]”![/s]!" He yelled. “There is something outside[s]”.[/s],"


“Alright, alright I’m coming[s]”.[/s]," She mumbled.
When they reached the kitchen window and looked out there was nothing


“OK I am going back to sleep[s]”.[/s]," Anne said.


“But there was something, I swear.” Dave defended himself.
Anne didn’t reply[color=red,[/color] she just went back to laying on the couch[s] on the couch[/s]. Dave took another look out the window and, seeing nothing, went back to the couch alsoI think "as well" might fit better here..
Dave lay awake for another hour thinking about what he had seen. Had he really seen anything? He felt sure he had.
There was a sound like a knife scraping against wood. It was so sudden that Dave jumped in his seat on the couch, waking Anne up.


“What’s wrong now[s]”?[/s]?" She asked, obviously annoyed.


“I though I heard something[s]”,[/s]," Dave said quietly.


“Old houses make noise, Dave.” Anne said
The noise happened again. It was coming from the front door. They both heard it that time.


“See[s]”.[/s]," Dave said quietly.


Once more it happened. Dave got up slowly and walked half-way to the door. [s]the sound happened[/s] And again, only this time it was longer and louder. Dave paused, his heart was beating faster now; he wanted to know what was happening, but was frightened to open the door. He built his courage back up and finally arrived at the door. He stood a foot away from it for what seemed like hours.


“Look[s]”,[/s][color=red,"[/color] Anne [s]U[/s]u[/color]rged from the couch.


“I will[s]”.[/s]," He said confidently, betraying his apprehension.
He slowly put his eye to the peep hole. He saw nothing,[color] but the noise echoed through the house again. Dave fell backwards, scared of whatever was behind the door.


“Just come back[color=red],” Anne pleaded.
But Dave had come to far already to not find out what was making the noise.


“I’m sure it’s nothing,” He promised[color=red.[/color]
He got back to his feet and grabbed the door knob. Slowly he unlocked the door and opened it just a crack,[s]. He peered[/s]but peering through the tiny slot [s]and[/s]he saw nothing. He opened it a little more. Still nothing. Then he opened the door enough that he could have walked out. He observed the gravel driveway, [s]they’re[/s]their car and the rental truck.


Then the lights suddenly reappeared at his feet he saw that they weren’t just lights they were eyes! He already knows this, why is it such a surprise?And they weren’t just eyes they were attached to a skinny creature with a grayish purple hue. Huge slim fingers that dragged across the ground were at the end of the arms and a small head with no features except the glowing eyes. Before Dave could even scream the creature was at his feet. [s]and t[/s]The huge fingers flicked out and cut his legs to the bone. He fell backwards helplessly. Anne shrieked and the creature leapt from the doorway to the couch and cut Anne fatally.
This whole sentence is choppy, and we need more details. Maybe try, "Anne shrieked, drawing the creature's attention to her. It leaped from the doorway to the couch. She tried to fend it off, but again the thing's fingers flicked out. Blood spattered the floor and walls, and soaked into the couch. She stopped struggling."

Dave was so shocked he [s]didn’t[/s]couldn't make any noise as three more similar creatures walked right over him and congregated to the corpse that was Anne. [s]Dave[/s]He tried to regain his feet and run out but only made it to the steps of the porch then fell to the ground. His tears were flowing freely from the combination of fear, the loss of Anne and the pain in his leg. He tried to get back to his feet again but a new set of eyes was coming for him quickly. It jumped on his chest. [s]t[/s]Their eyes met and Dave let loose a shriek[color=red.[/color] [s]and i[/s][color=red[I[/color]t was the last sound he ever made.


A half mile down the road the old woman threw five packages of hamburger out the window and sat back down with her shotgun across her lap.

playerj09 wrote:I need this reviewed because it is a contest entry at my school and i dont trust my teacher

Anne lifted the last box marked dishes/ utensils out from the back of the rented U-Haul and slid it
across the floor to Dave. You could write the box of mark dishes and utencils. Dont do the slash.


“That’s the last of them”, Anne said with a sigh of relief.


“Thank God”, Dave mumbled.

[b]In your conversations put the puncuation mark inside the " " Make sure you remember that! It looks like in all of your conversations the puncuytation is on the outside!!
“Aww don’t tell me you are already tired”. Anne teased him as she jumped down from the truck to the gravel driveway. She wiped the dust from her hands on her jeans and followed her husband into their new house. Dave flopped down on the couch that was pointed towards the TV and VCR that both were laying on the floor. Stacks of boxes were everywhere. Dave glanced at his watch while laying on his back on the couch. The digital watch read 11:34am.


“What are we doing for lunch”? Dave asked.


“I was thinking that we should go into town and do a little exploring”. Anne responded


“Sounds good to me”, Dave said. They both walked out of the house and Dave locked the door. While he was starting they’re red Saber he thought to himself why he even locked it. The only house for five miles was half a mile down the road and the realtor had said only an old woman lived there. The house was old and all the paint was chipping off. There was a huge oak tree in the front lawn that’s golden leaves sprinkled the dead lawn.


They drove down the worn out paved road towards the small town passing no other cars on their way.
The town was had scarecrows and jack-o-lanterns setup on every corner. the leaves from the hibernating trees were blown about the streets by the wind. Banners were hung from the streetlamps advertising for Halloween and it was obvious that this was a favorite time for the citizens.
Dave and Anne walked into a small diner that was 1950’s themed and were greeted by a warm smile from the middle aged waitress holing a coffee pot.


“Just the two of you”? She asked.


“yeah”, Dave replied.


They were seated by a window and ate they’re lunch when they were done they visited a few shops and picked up some supplies for dinner that night. On their way back to the house they came upon the old woman’s house. Anne noticed the woman’s silhouette through the screen that enclosed the porch.


“We should stop and say hi”, Anne mentioned. “She is probably lonely staying their by herself all the time”.


“Maybe she likes it that way”, Dave argued. Anne shot him a playfully mean look. ”Alright” Dave replied quickly avoiding a lecture on his anti-social ways. He pulled up in the driveway and got out of the car.


“Who the hell are ya”, she asked.


“Uh, we just moved in down the street” Dave said a little taken back.


“When they come, don’t come here” She said grimly


“Who are- ” , Anne managed to blurt out.


“Get off my property before I blast you off”, the lady warned. Dave and Anne saw a shotgun silhouette go across the woman’s lap. Quickly they got back into their little car and drove off down the road to they’re house.


“Some neighbors we have here”, Dave said on the way back.


“What was she talking about?” Anne asked.


“Who knows she is just a crazy old lady” Dave answered.
The rest of the day was spent unpacking the boxes and putting furniture back together. The two story farm house was surrounded by a sea of amber dead grass. The closest woods were behind the old woman’s house.


Around eight that night Anne was microwaving popcorn in the little microwave on the counter and Dave was popping a tape into the VCR on the living room floor. The microwave beeped three times and Anne pulled the steaming bag of popcorn out and carefully pulled it open. When she walked into the living room Dave was already sitting down and the previews had started. She sat down and laid her head on Dave’s big shoulder. The action flick started and they watched it about half way through until they both fell asleep on the couch.


Dave awoke with no memory of were he was or how he got there. He took a slow look around and looked at Anne, who was still dozing placidly, then his memory came back to him and he got up to use the restroom. He walked through the kitchen on his way and noticed a yellow green dot of light for only a second.


“Little late for lightning bugs”, he murmured to himself then continued on his way to the restroom.
He walked back through the maze of boxes towards the living room again. Remembering the lighting bug he stopped at the window above the sink and looked out over the field. The light came into view again only this time it was much closer and there were several pairs that followed each other. He looked harder at the small dots that floated around a foot above the ground. They looked like… eyes? Yes they were eyes David realized but eyes of what? He walked fast to the living room and woke up Anne.


“Come look at this”! He yelled. “There is something outside”.


“Alright, alright I’m coming”. She mumbled
When they reached the kitchen window and looked out there was nothing


“OK I am going back to sleep”. Anne said.


“But there was something I swear.” Dave defended himself.
Anne didn’t reply she just went back to laying on the couch on the couch. Dave took another look out the window and, seeing nothing, went back to the couch also.
Dave lay awake for another hour thinking about what he had seen. Had he really seen anything? He felt sure he had.
There was a sound like a knife scraping against wood. It was so sudden that Dave jumped in his seat on the couch, waking Anne up.


“What’s wrong now”? She asked, obviously annoyed.


“I though I heard something”, Dave said quietly.


“Old houses make noise, Dave.” Anne said
The noise happened again. It was coming from the front door. They both heard it that time


“See”. Dave said quietly
Once more it happened. Dave got up slowly and walked half-way to the door. the sound happened again only this time it was longer and louder. Dave paused, his heart was beating faster now he wanted to know what was happening but was frightened to open the door. He built his courage back up and finally arrived at the door. He stood a foot away from it for what seemed like hours.


“Look”, Anne Urged from the couch


“I will”. He said confidently, betraying his apprehension.
He slowly put his eye to the peep hole. He saw nothing but the noise echoed through the house again. Dave fell backwards, scared of whatever was behind the door.


“Just come back” Anne pleaded.
But Dave had come to far already to not find out what was making the noise.


“I’m sure it’s nothing” He promised
He got back to his feet and grabbed the door knob. Slowly he unlocked the door and opened it just a crack. He peered through the tiny slot and saw nothing. He opened it a little more. Still nothing. Then he opened the door enough that he could have walked out. He observed the gravel driveway, they’re car and the rental truck.


Then the lights suddenly reappeared at his feet he saw that they weren’t just lights they were eyes! And they weren’t just eyes they were attached to a skinny creature with a grayish purple hue. Huge slim fingers that dragged across the ground were at the end of the arms and a small head with no features except the glowing eyes. Before Dave could even scream the creature was at his feet and the huge fingers flicked out and cut his legs to the bone. He fell backwards helplessly. Anne shrieked and the creature leapt from the doorway to the couch and cut Anne fatally.


Dave was so shocked he didn’t make any noise as three more similar creatures walked right over him and congregated to the corpse that was Anne. Dave tried to regain his feet and run out but only made it to the steps of the porch then fell to the ground. His tears were flowing freely from the combination of fear, the loss of Anne and the pain in his leg. He tried to get back to his feet again but a new set of eyes was coming for him quickly. It jumped on his chest their eyes met and Dave let loose a shriek and it was the last sound he ever made.


A half mile down the road the old woman threw five packages of hamburger out the window and sat back down with her shotgun across her lap.