What is life ? The question of life really can't be answered,
You built a wall around yourself,
Enclosing your very own soul,
For you admire this world,
As it was made with love and care,
Some people open up their world and let in a neighbour a friend you can trust with your world,
But why treat the world like a sinner abusing its beautiful talents,
This is our worlds life why not treat it with respect,
We all have a world but the world carrying these tiny paradises cannot bare the fact,
It is slowly disintegrating into nothingness.
From inside the core distant echo's shout out HELP ME !
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
It was interesting, but I didn't come away affected by the message or moved for the world being shunned, which seems rather a waste. I didn't pay much note to the grammar errors, but I did wish for both more figurative language and more literal language, as it were. I want to hear about the world as it really is and I want to hear about this beautiful sinner that the world isn't.
Hello Play, welcome to YWS! I'm Selene and I shall be your reviewer for today.
First, I should probably give you a quick rundown of our rules here. We have a rule here about posting your work and reviewing. It's a 2:1 ratio, which means that you need to review and critique someone else's work. You must review at least two pieces of work before submitting anything, so please do so as soon as possible. This will be greatly appreciated.
Onto the review!
Nit-Picks:
I believe it is "you are the world you created".
You could take out the comma and make "A friend you can trust with your world." another stanza.
This is a question, therefore in need of a quotation mark.
You should re-word this. It should be something along the lines of this:
"This is our world's life, so why not treat it with respect?"
Overall:
I love free-verse poetry and I could really feel your message as I read this poem through. But you have to be careful about jumping from one point to the next, so try and focus in on one main topic and make sure and check that your poem gets that one point across loud and clear.
This is an excellent start and I will be looking forward to more of your poetry. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
Hi, Play! I'm Jon.
I have to say that I've never seen this style of format very often. (The long, spaced out lines).
First I'm going to correct the mistakes/grammar, then, I'll look at the poem in whole.
The question mark should be a space backwards. Also, the beginning of this poem posses a huge question. In poetry you want the reader to think and try to get another meaning. However, try not to be so blunt. It makes the poem a little awkward. Then, if you do post a question for us to think about, don't say that we shouldn't even think about it. You say, 'it really can't be answered.' When you say that, it makes the whole line void. However, I do like the idea in this line. I think you should reformat and rewrite it to say: The question of life cannot be answered,
Yes?
So, is this person like a God/Goddess?
Unless you're talking of a metaphorical world, I would change this line a little too. Once again, I like this idea, I like the idea of someone shutting themselves in. However 'build' should be 'built'. Getting that out of the way, I don't think this flows nicely from the top stanza. The whole idea randomly changes. Also, the formatting. I think you should make this a free-verse poem. It already is, it's just your format. Tr to have it like this:
You've built a wall around yourself,
Enclosing your very own soul.
When things are 'structured' better, people like it better.
Once again, I think this should be broken up into two lines. Also, this reads like it just keeps on going. When you make it shorter it should fix that problem. Also, try to summarize your thoughts. It is not always good to drag your thoughts out.
So:
Your heart is this world,
For it was made with love and care.
You give the reader too many directions to follow. The imagery is good, but, you should keep it a little shorter. You seem to be telling us every single thing and it makes it too much. Also, try not to put all caps in a poem. It makes it look a little 'cheesy' Just have it as:
From its core it shouts, "Help me!"
I decided not to mess with the stanzas I didn't mention because I want you to try and fix them yourself. Try to model them after the criticism I gave you about your structure and how the ideas should be shortened.
I would love to see this poem if/when it is edited!
Good start,
---Jon---