Published July 6, 2015
DISCLAIMER: I have written this poem for my sister for her birthday, she's my best friend and I really want this poem to portray a lot of feelings through its simplicity, so if you read it, please tell me what you thought? Also, I am having a lot of trouble with grammar and punctuation in my poetry. I don't really understand the rules and you need to understand them to break them, so could people please help me correct any mistakes? Thanks so much, I hope you enjoy.
It was a night in May
When your cheek
Pressed against my own
And sand invaded my socks.
As we shivered together
With the ocean.
It was a night in May
When I placed my hand in yours
And you pulled me close,
Whilst we hugged as one.
And shivered together
With the ocean.
It was a night in May
When tears stained my skin
And my head rested
On your shoulder,
Whilst we cried as one.
And shivered together
With the ocean
On that night in May
I stared into your sincere,
Water-filled eyes.
Then I told you
‘I love you birdy’.
And I thanked God
Or Jesus
Or whoever
For our time.
Right there,
With my sister.
As we shivered together
With the ocean.
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139,689 Literary Works • 672,652 Reviews
Hey!
I liked this, it's simple and nicely written. With the punctuation, i see no reason for it to be wrong. Poems are whatever you want them to be in my opinion, so keep at it.
However i have one small scruple. Within the last lines when you talk about "or jesus" and "or whoever" it sort of breaks the flow of the poem, but again, it can be what you want it to be.
I have a sister as well and understand that bond. This poem made me think of her. It really emphasizes the sister-sister bond and i completely relate to it. It tells you that sisters are connected in a special way, and i can see how much you care about yours in the poem.
I especially liked "Whilst we hugged as one".
I think she'll really like it, part of wishes my sister would write such a lovely poem for me!
Keep writing, your doing well
- Scribble
Hey, Plathonstone. Margo here for a review. Poetry and grammar have never really made a whole lot of sense to me either. My recommendation would be to look at a famous poem online or in a book to see how its punctuated.
If I were you, I would probably leave punctation out alltogether. A period after 'with the ocean' is good enough for me. Otherwise, I feel like you'd be placing a heck of a lot of commas everywhere. No harm in experimenting, though. You could try placing commas at the end of coninuing lines and have the next line lowercase. Separating your stanzas after each 'with the ocean' would be a good idea too. I see you attempted to do this and YWS ignored the spacing. No probs, just put a dash or * between each stanza.
I think the flow and vibe of the poem is broken when you say I thanked God or Jesus or whoever..I think you should just keep it at I thanked God for our time...the rest of your poem is so serious the God or whoever line is kind of comical. It doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem.
Excellent work. Your sister will be flattered. Your repetition of 'As we shivered together with the ocean' is especially awesome.
A good work is never done.
--MS
This poem is supposed to be in verses, however, when I posted it it doesn't appear in verses