Hold my hands so tight that my knuckles turn white,
without you I’ve lost my sight .
You were next to me, and I could feel your presence.
Your soul enlightened me and the city lights didn’t seem so dark last night.
Your beating crescent healed me better than any antidepressant.
Without you, I’m left with cold air leaving an emptiness,
And the same blinding lights last night that are now meaningless.
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
I really like this poem, it shows some really good emotion.
"Without you, I'm left with cold air leaving an emptiness, And the same blinding lights last night that are now meaningless."For that line, there could be a couple of changes. You could get rid of the command after without you, because it seems to me that it is pointless. Unless you were trying to get emphasis, then it can stay. I think personally that this shouldn't all be one sentence. You should put a period after emptiness. I also think that you should get rid of the word that and reword "And the same blinding lights of last night that are now meaningless." (And the same blinding lights of last night are now meaningless.)
I don't understand how you put "and the city lights didn't seem so dark last night" and then go one to say that the lights were blinding. I would fix that.
"Your beating crescent healed me better than any antidepressant." What is the bearing crescent? Other than that the line is really good.
"Hold my hands so tight that my knuckles turn white, without you I've lost my sight." I don't think that the comma should be there and should instead be a period. (Hold my hands so tight that my knuckles turn white. Without you I've lost my sight.)
"You were next to me, and I could feel your presence." I really like this line and I understand how it fits content wise, but this line trips up the rhyming that you were doing, as you didn't put anything that rhymes with presence. I would reccomend adding a line after that with something that rhymes with presence.
Overall I really loved this poem. Lots of emotion and imagry. You don't have to take any of the advice that I have given. Sorry if it seemed like I was tearing your poem apart. I hope to reread this at some point once it is edited.
Hey there plantedheart. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. I am changing up my regular format these week, so now I am on to starting with grammar and spelling. Just like the good old days. My first comment comes to your first two lines.
I think a comma needs to be used instead of a semi-colon. As I understand the usage of semi-colons, they are supposed to be used when you want to join two similar or contrasting thoughts. These two thoughts have to be able to stand by them selves. The first line can stand alone, but I don't think the second can. It may grammatically be able to stand by itself(I don't remember all of the rules) but when broken into two sentences it does not sound right. If you want more on the correct use of semi-colons I would recommend trying out the forums. The Oatmeal also had a very good, easy to understand, article a while ago.
2. That last lines is really driving me crazy. I have thought over a couple of ways that you could split the line so that the lines flow together right. Here is one option.
It is very inspiring and poetic however it does not go along with the rest of the poem.
I think it would be best to split the line before the "and" and add a comma. Shift the "and" down and put a capital A at the front. It looks much nicer this way to me because then the lines are all about the same length.
3. Now onto the actual idea behind this piece of poetry. I can definitely tell that this piece was romance from the details you gave. The only thing is you didn't give very much description and everything felt really bland and plain. There was nothing to set your poem against all other romance poems and novels. The rhyming is nice at first but in the end you stop. This to me actually makes it look worse. The reader is thinking "Oh nice use of rhyme." then they come to the end and everything breaks up.
4. Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry for such a quick review but this was a really quick read. You're still semi-new so here's a late welcome. Happy Late Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about anything just ask.
-lizzy
Hello, its me!
Grammar: I saw no grammar mistakes except for in the last line. It just sounds awkward. To fix it I think that you should add the word from in between lights and last night. Other than that I saw none though I suggest just looking over it in case I may have missed some.
Overall: This was a beautiful work of poetry I can really see everything because you used lots of amazing imagery. The words you use fit perfectly. I loveed ths and I can't wait to read and review more of your work.
Goodbye, Have a nice day!
-EmilyStarks