Lovelorn

Hello, Los3r Lov3 here for a crappy review

I really enjoyed your little poem. You did great with the wording and grammar. Not even One mistake! You also did great with the meaning of the overall poem. So in any good review there has to be something you could improve on. Let's see. As Lareine wrote the flow of these poem seems a bit odd. Try working on using words the correlate with each other, as that might help. Anyway this was a nice little poem; I quite enjoyed it. Thanks for the read.

Have a lov3ly evening!

Hey, darling! So I'm here to review this poem; let me jump right in!

First of all, the flow in this poem feels a little awkward to me. It's kind of like the poem is forcing the words to fit the rhyme scheme without giving a thought to how the words themselves really fit together. How do the parts of trying to find a place to sit relate to the parts of the speaker's heart hurting a bit? The poem itself should answer the question of how all the images relate to one another, but this one left me finding it a little lacking.

In addition, the flow is altered by the punctuation you use. Sometimes, it's for the better; sometimes, it's not. I can't help but feel like this poem would be stronger if you re-evaluated what punctuation you use at the end of your lines. You have a lot of run-on sentences with the punctuation you have now, and they don't flow together smoothly enough to justify it with the style you're using.

In addition, I can't help but feel like the imagery in this poem could serve to be a little sharper. There's a lot of lines all centered around "me" and "you", but there's no real emotional attachment between the speaker and the audience, and the poem doesn't have any images for the reader to latch onto and enjoy. I know that as a reader, I like to sink my teeth into images in poetry and devour the message and the meaning of the work that way; without images, to me, this poem tastes bland and overdone.

That is, of course, not to say that it's a "bad" poem. It could just use a little work, like everything else everyone ever wrote! Editing is your best friend. Most important of all, though, let me tell you: Keep writing!

Great poem! I have no pointers on grammar or spelling, so good job with that As a poet who loves to rhyme, I totally get the struggle of finding a rhyme while trying to stay true to the meaning and make perfect sense. But, in the first two lines, I feel like the rhyme takes away from what it seems you're trying to say. Maybe instead say something like "When I see you my heart hurts a lot / I'm struggling to not be ripped apart." I think that would also keep with how for the rest of the poem the rhymes are, for the most part, almost but not exact rhymes (breath and need, soul and controlled). Also, a more consistent rhyme scheme may improve the poem, so maybe make the sixth line rhyme with the fifth, the seventh with the eighth, ninth with the tenth, and either write a twelfth line of have the eleventh stand by itself for a more blunt ending.

Another super-hard thing (that I struggle with too) to work on in this poem - rhythm. Here are a few suggestions: In the third line make "can't" "can not"; in the fifth line make "I've" "I have"; and shorten the sixth line.

Overall, I love this poem! Excellent emotion and wording and meaning. Just touch up on a few things to make it even more awesome Write on!

BTW - Don't feel super obliged at all to do all these things; these are just my personal suggestions