I can't handle bad reviews. This story isn't availible anymore.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Bunnys r Beast! I'm Rach, and I'm reviewing this for ya.
First, a quick hint! You'll get more reviews if you space out your paragraphs. Spacing them out is a bit of a pain, but the site messes up the indenting when you copy and paste, and so right now it just looks like a massive block of text. People click and start reading and get overwhelmed. So, spacing 'em out is just a quick way to get more people to read
On another technical note, you have some formatting errors with your dialogue. This link here will show you where to put commas and such. Also, looking at your favorite book and studying how the author punctuates dialogue will also help.
And now onto the important thing--the story!
I'm so happy about your author's note at the end. Because, the thing is...high school romances and girls who run the school really aren't anything new. [b]But[/i], at the same time, I don't think this idea is hopeless. Far from. You have the heartbreaker girl, and she's going to get served over the course of the novel, right? There's potential in it. High school romances might not be new, and the heartbreaker girl getting served might not be new... but there's always room for a new way of telling it.
One thing I noticed is that you've got a great ear for dialogue. You can do something with that.
My main advice, I guess, is to plow on! Keep writing this story! But write what makes it true to you, what makes it not just another high school romance. Don't just have the attitude of, "Well, it's okay, because she's just the heartbreaker and she gets served"...
Slow this scene down, and let us into Reinna's character. Don't settle for easy, surface characterizations. Go deep, and you'll have something worth writing. And worth reading.
So, again--keep writing. Plow onward. Think about it, and why Reinna really does this and that. Delve into it.
I apologize if I'm not making sense, but I guess I'm just excited for you. Let me know if you have any questions! I'll be
stalkingfollowing your stuff. There's something about your writing that intrigues me.Rach (and Ribbit, the frog)