5. Different
My eyes popped open, expecting that whatever had caused the pain was still there. I was alone, and hidden in the shadows. When I stood up, I saw the blood red sun peek over the tree-covered horizon. Its beauty was somewhat overwhelming to my oddly sensitive eyes. Every detail of every little thing jumped out at me. My eyes had never been that sharp before. Words couldn’t describe the austere magnificence of the clearing.
I was getting distracted too easily; I needed to think about what had happened to me. The memory of yesterday quickly shuffled through my mind, a deck of cards, but everything before then was cloudy. Almost like it never existed. The part when Dad was killed slowed to a crawl. It hadn’t seemed as gruesome when it happened, probably because of the pain-induced haze that was infiltrating my system.
A pang of pity surged through me for Layla. The desperation and longing that I had seen in her eyes told me how much she’d loved him. She’d ruined herself for him; underneath her flaws, I could see that she used to be a beauty. But she’d given it all up, because her love had left. I felt truly sorry for her. I shook my head in denial. No, I wasn’t sorry for her; she had killed my dad. She deserved whatever hell she got. My eyes began to water; I was still alive, but Dad wasn’t. What was I supposed to do without him?
I screamed, wanting it all to go away. Can’t I just forget it all? I asked myself. Life would probably be easier if I could just forget that yesterday even happened. I could just not tell Aiden anything even though Dad said he was on Luna.
I rubbed my eyes vigorously with the back of my hand to wipe away the river of tears streaming down my face. The tears scalded me wherever they landed, making me take my hand away from my cheeks instantly. I searched my skin, looking for some injury that I hadn’t seen earlier. All I saw was a faint grey tint coating the backside of my hand.
I’d had enough of the goddamn pain already. When would this end? Scowling, I cleaned off my face and hands with my sweatshirt that was crusty with my blood. The tears were almost gone when I heard a faint grumbling in the trees.
“Who’s there?” I demanded with a growl. No one answered. As I crouched, getting ready to either run or pounce, it grew louder. Somewhere in my mind, I knew I wasn’t the weak girl that I was yesterday. When I woke up, I was filled with instant self-assurance and something close to pride. I assumed-no, I knew-that anything that came my way was pathetic, unworthy, and less than me in every way possible. I hoped whatever it was came closer. If only so I could prove myself right.
Right then, a black bear lumbered into the clearing. Its silken fur swayed in the breeze like long, flowing prairie grass. It looked like a super fluffy teddy bear, so I stepped closer to get a better look. It growled ferociously at my approach, but I wasn’t afraid. Its anger seemed so cute and innocent compared to what I was feeling inside. Instinctually, I knew that it would attack, so I circled it, waiting for the fight to start.
After about a minute, I grew tired of that game, so I looked up at it. I gasped at the terror I saw in its beady black eyes. I hadn’t wanted to scare it.
I took a deep breath, preparing myself to attack and kill. When the air hit my tongue, the most appetizing flavor filled my mouth. My eyes trained on its neck, and I saw copious amounts of blood pumping through the thick veins at the main artery. My mouth started to water, and I suddenly found myself at the bear’s throat. Baring my teeth, I got ready to bite. It growled and tried to hit me with its colossal paws. I swiftly hopped from the shoulder that I was perched on and landed on the other one.
My skin began to prickle in anticipation. Before he could realize that I was no longer on his other side, my teeth tore through his fine fur and taut muscles to the source of the smell. The blood that poured into my mouth tasted like iron and chocolate, creamy and wild.
Its growl and swipes were becoming feeble, but when it did hit me, it removed its hand immediately. The smell of scorched hair filled my nostrils and blocked out the smell of his blood momentarily. “That’s what you get for not staying still,” I mumbled around flesh as I drank the thick, red blood gushing from its neck. Its heartbeat slowed, thumping lethargically in its chest, trying to stay alive. With a small smile, I watched the light fade from the bear’s eyes. I was wickedly thrilled with what I had done. It felt good to prove myself right. It pleased me to play God.
As I tried to figure out what to do with the dead bear in my arms, realization set in. I pushed the bear away from myself. What had I done? “What have you done to me?” I screamed. I looked around for Dad’s remains just so I could let him see what he’d done. That sadistic need to make someone else feel as horrible as I did, reminded me of Layla. She had wanted to hurt Dad because of what he had done, and so did I. I snorted at myself because I could never be as pitiful as she was. Looking across the clearing near where his blood had been, I thought I would see his decapitated body and his head somewhere nearby.
Instead, there was a fire with thick black smoke curling away in every direction. How had I not seen that before? I walked closer to what I suspected was his pyre. The smoke clogged all of my senses with the cloyingly sweet scent of death and burning inhuman flesh.
My eyes stung with the floating remains of my father and my traitorous tears. I was supposed to be stronger, tougher; I was a vamp- I pushed the thoughts from my head. I needed to find out the truth.
I slowly backed out of the clearing, suddenly terrified of what I’d become. As soon as the trees blocked out that horrible place, I turned around and began to run.
The rush of my newfound speed was exhilarating. I was going so fast that the mind-tangling fog disappeared. I glided smoothly over the forest floor; it felt like I was skydiving. The wind whipped against my skin and flowed through my hair, sweet caresses.
Soon, I decided to take a break. My new lithe body hadn’t even broken a sweat, but I was getting thirsty again. It felt like my throat had been rubbed down with sandpaper, and the only thing that could soothe it was blood. And lots of it.
Instead of the smell that I was hoping for, I smelled something repulsive. I looked over to see where it was coming from, and I saw him.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey Danie, it's me again. I couldn't help myself. I had to do another review
Alright, so let's get started.
I think this is weird. That would be the last thing I think of if I were in her situation.
I think face should be changed to cheeks, no?
Well, that's all the nitpicks I found.
Overall, this was a shocking and amazing chapter. I love the descriptions, again, you're really good at that. Although, I must agree with Tenyo about your writing style. It is inconsistent at times but that is something you can improve on because I believe you have great potential as a writer!
Anyway, as the chapter ended I was left dazed. Wondering where she go, what she would do. Amazing chapter, keep it up.
I'll have the next one done by tomorrow!
~Pink
Hi, Diane! Me again
I completely agree with Tenyo again. You have this amazing skill as a writer to be able to describe the atmosphere around Asha so beautifully but then that ability is not consistent within your story. You go from detailed description to simple in a matter of lines. You need to keep up this level of consistency because you are an amazing writer and you should let it show throughout your work, not just in paragraphs of it.
Another aspect which I found that you could improve on is a repeat from my earlier comments. To me, you still don't seem to know your character very well. I say that, because Asha's emotions, much like your writing, are inconsistent to the point where some of her reactions don't seem at all realistic.
An example of this would be the following sentence:
I found this line really odd because it just didn't seem realistic to me that - given her current situation - she would be calling a bear 'cute'. I don't know, maybe it's just me.
Another thing, I'm still not sensing any for of sadness in Asha at the loss of her father. In fact your character even feels sorry for Layla at one point of the story and that really shocked me, that Asha would feel sorry for the woman who butchered her father. Do you see what I'm saying here? You need to really get involved with your character, imagine you are the one in the forest, all alone, with no one to help you, what emotions would be going through YOUR mind.
See you in chapter six!
*coco
I’ve returned!
Okay, before we start here, I’ve got a confession to make: I’m really not a big vampire person. I think this makes me some sort of bizarre anomaly among teenage girls, but I can’t help it. XD I think the problem is that it’s such a popular concept that it’s hard to make it your own, to build it into something more than the obvious, and to give it depth. So I’m a little leery of just about any urban fantasy series, especially when it turns out vampires are involved.
So far, though, I think you’re doing a good job with it. I think the best part of this chapter is that it actually gives the impression that Asha has become something that’s not human—we experience inhuman strength and speed through her eyes, and we also experience her change in attitude towards the world around her—this sudden derision and arrogance that arises from her power. It was interesting to see that even the bear is afraid of her (Though I’m starting to wonder—just what kind of climate does Luna have?). It’s like even nature itself is startled by her, which reinforces the idea that what Asha has become is not part of nature, not from the everyday world.
I also like how you didn’t shy away from the gory details of Asha’s new self, either. Things like the actual, physical nature of thirsting for blood, the awareness of the veins and arteries and pulse of living things, the taste of blood and flesh and all the general messiness—their gruesome, even stomach-turning, but I think they really, really help the story. They show, once again, the inhuman and inhumane aspects of the characters. I think that’s something a lot of vampire authors miss out on—the actual horror. I mean, this is a creature who wants to rip open the flesh of your neck and suck out your bodily fluids. That’s not pleasant, that’s scary. I think most authors tend to cringe away from that reality, though, which is why I really like this chapter. We can really and actually feel that Asha is thirsting for blood, and it’s something that’s alien to our minds as the readers—that really reinforces how being turned has changed Asha. I also like how you show her fear and disgust at what has happened—I can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t feel that, considering the events of the previous day and the fact that Asha can no longer control herself. I also liked the mention of how it physically hurts her to be thirsty for blood—that’s another aspect I think a lot of vampire writers miss, the concept of being constantly in thirst.
No big critiques this time, just a couple nitpicks:
Two missing commas, after “open” and “clearing.”
This is a pretty well-done chapter in a story that I’m determined to believe in, vampires or no. : ) You’re doing great so far at making an overplayed concept your own, and I can’t wait to see what you do with it next. Keep being awesome, and I’ll be around to chapter six ASAP. ^___^
And we finish on a brilliant chapter that I find little to critique on.
As a whole, so far, this story has its flaws, but that's something you can improve on over time. My biggest tip for you is to practice, a lot.
Your writing is quite inconsistent, with bursts of highly descriptive writing, simple writing, some kind of distanced narrative, high and low quality, e.c.t. It's good to experiment with different styles, but the next step is trying to decide and stick with which one you use. To pass this off as a novel, you'll have to rewrite some parts and use the same kind of style all the way through.
And a final tip, question your own writing. Everything that happens, ask questions and check it fits with everything else, double check that it's something your character would normally do. Ask yourself what impression you're giving the reader.
From what I've read you seem to have a lot of potential as a writer, and you've proven that you can write some amazing stuff. Just keep practicing, and bring everything else up to that standard.
This is really good writing. I'm assuming it's a chapter from a book you're writing? Your descriptions are really good, especially the scene where she fights the bear. The only things that bothered me were that you spelled "instinctively" wrong once, and this paragraph:
I reread this a couple of times, but it never really made sense to me. If I were you, I would clarify that it is her hand that is being scalded.
Other than that, great writing. You picked a popular topic, but, so far, it seems different from everything else that is already out there. Keep writing!
~Amylith