Luna 1.0 (edited)

Hello! Pink here, (hey, you're a Pink too! that's pretty awesome)
Anyway, you asked for a review so here it is. Now I don't see much I need to nitpick on so I'm not going to do that.

First of all, I love the way you used many different words but sometimes it can be a turn off because there were a few that I didn't even get and had to look up in the dictionary. The setting was weird. I wasn't sure weather she was hiding in a forest, stalking her mother or something. Maybe I was missing something, do tell me if I'm wrong but it was bit confusing in my eyes. At the end, she went insane! I was like, whoa, what's wrong the the chick? Haha, anyways, it was weird and confusing and left me wanting to know a little more of what was going on.
My real critique is on your writing style. As I said before, you use many different words and your descriptions are quite wonderful but for some reason I find it hard to get the flow of the piece. Like it's a little forced. Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired...well that's for now.
I'll have the next chapter done by tomorrow
Cheers,

~Pink

Hiya, Diane! Coco here, as requested!

Since you already have some great reviews, I'll just talk about what I loved about this piece. I loved it, I mean, I was so engrossed in the story I forgot that I needed to review. You write beautifully - each sentence has an elegant flow about it which only a talented writer can produce. Another thing I loved about this was that it wasn't at all predictable, for example, I totally thought that Asha was dreaming and that one of the babies was her, and she was remembering the day her mother left her but when I got to the end - WOW - it was heartbreaking to see how much her mother hates her.

I'm glad you've got more chapters. This is my first novel review request so I'm looking forward to being of some help to you.

Onto chapter 2 next! See you there!

*coco

Hey,

What a vivid dream! This grabbed me in and hooked me like you were the fisherman and I was the fish! There were some graammar mistakes but I saw that someone else already did those. I'll start with the dream itself, I don't understand, is this a flashback or something. At first, I thought the babies were another children the mother had, but nearing the end I realized it was Asha and Aiden. I'm dying to know what's in that box! I think you should be a bit more clear explaining that the two babies who I presume are twins, are Asha and Aiden. Very nice! Off to chapter 2!

~Jasmine Bells

Hello, pinkangel! Zan is here as promised. : )

I have to say that I really, really like Asha. Her plight just makes it really easy for me to feel sympathy and attachment to her without dissolving into melodrama, which is always a good thing to have in the opening chapter. You do a really good job, I think, with emotional narration, I could really feel Asha’s anguish and anxiety as she watches her mother walk away in the opening paragraph, and I was hooked from there on.

I think one thing that really helps with that is the setting—the darkness, the sparse trees, the lonely hospital, all of them play a role in developing the general feeling of oppression and abandonment in this scene. It’s a very well-constructed atmosphere, from the frost to the moon, that really helps to transfer the protagonist’s feelings to the reader, but at the same time it’s not overly obvious and it doesn’t get in the way. One of the other reviewers described your prose as “elegant” and I’d have to agree with that assertion. All your descriptions are very graceful, very smooth, they don’t get in the way of the actual events, but they create just the right impression.

Anyway, I’m really interested in this premise for the story! I don’t think near enough fantasy stories actually deal with the relationships between parents and children, usually the heroine is just in a hurry to ditch her mom and dad so she can run around as a world-savior or hang out with the vampires, and I think that’s a little unrealistic. I’m really curious to see a story that deals even partially with a character’s struggle over the idea that her mother doesn’t love her—not only is that a rare topic to base a fantasy book around, but it’s a lot more relatable a problem than having to get all the Amulets of Power before the villain or whatever—as such, it’s a more relatable conflict to start out a story with, and to develop a character with, even if there are more Amulet-y things on the horizon.

As for the dream… well, as some other reviewers have mentioned, it really isn’t a great idea to turn something into having been all just a dream, but I think it works okay here, seeing as this is the opening chapter, not the end of a whole book. XD However, I’ll admit to feeling a little disappointed that all the intensity and emotion in the previous paragraphs was part of a dream—I felt a little cheated. It’s kind of a hard thing to deal with, though, since you say that the dream is necessary for the story… So I don’t really know what to say. XD

Something that might help would be to make it clearer from the beginning, perhaps, that this is a dream? I dunno. My pet peeve about fictional dreams is that they are usually super logical, follow the laws of physics, and make all sorts of real-world sense, but most real-world dreams don’t (at least, mine don’t XD). So maybe if you made the scene more obviously dreamlike, it would be less like the reader is being misled. Maybe have some things about Asha suddenly moving from far to the hospital to close to it, her walking away for a long time but still being close to the hospital when she turns back to see her mother, stuff like that? I dunno. XD

Other than that, I don’t have much detailed critique—this is a pretty strong opener—just some little nitpicks:

I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the uncommonly early autumn frost.

Her bulky trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine.

“Stay safe me beloveds,” she whispered to her babies

She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible,

Hey Pink! I'm here to review your novel

Starting with Chapter one. As an opening chapter it seems a little daunting. The language is lovely, and I like the style but the whole scene just seems a little too heavy to jump into as a first chapter.

Also I felt more drawn into the event rather than anything, so at the end I felt like I hadn't really made much progress into the story. All I know is that there is a main character has a brother and seems to be emotionally disturbed by being abandoned at birth. Yes, it creates some some deep and interesting character traits, but they're about a character we don't even know yet.

As a piece on its own this is well written, and good to read. Maybe you could include a prologue, or turn this part into a prologue.

Ease off the dramatic language just a little bit. There are other ways of expressing powerful emotions and feelings other than using phrases like "The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core." It didn't really make me feel anything, because "seeped into my core" isn't something that's easy to relate to, especially when it comes to an abstract concept like darkness.

On to chapter two.

Hi Pinkangel. I would highlight the part I liked in green and the part I found forced in red and any corrections would be in different colours.

I found her. Finally. I had been waiting for almost fifteen years.

Bands of anxiety constricted my heart. What should I say? Should I say anything at all? My eyes followed her as she silently drifted past the tree line. The forest was thinner towards the highway, #00BF00 ">a balding head. #00BF00 ">The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core. It pressed onto me like a shadowy veil of malevolence. I shuddered with apprehension; my instincts were telling me to get out. Fast. But I wouldn’t leave until she was with me.

I urged my feet to move toward#FF00FF ">s her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the uncommonly early autumn frost. “Mom!” I shouted, waving my hands above my head. She continued to walk away from me, her head bowed against the frigid, salty air blowing in from off the ocean.

I writhed in place trying to rid myself of#FF00FF ">f my invisible captor as she adamantly trudged toward#FF00FF ">s Luna General Hospital. Its bright lights seemed out of place against the dusky surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon glint off an expensive-looking sedan. My mother nodded in satisfaction when she spotted it. It seemed like her plan-whatever it was-was working perfectly.

Her bulky trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine. Who were they? A sharp pang of jealousy shot through my every nerve. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. My ears caught onto their soft cooing. Unlike me, they seemed untroubled by the darkness, almost like they belonged in its unfathomable depths.

I noticed that she kept looking at the forest behind her. Whenever I looked, I saw nothing but brush and some thick evergreens. A few times, she hesitated, then looking back, she shuddered, and with a look of determination, she kept walking across the highway. It was the only thing between her and the hospital.

I heard her breathe a sigh of relief when she crossed onto the hospital’s property. She laid the children on the steps of the nearly empty hospital and backed away. The moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover, making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. #00BF00 ">She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered, a light in the darkness.

Just try again, I thought to myself. It honestly couldn’t hurt. If I showed her how much I longed for her maybe she would stay with me. “Wait for me!” My voice was ignored. She didn’t even turn my way.

“Stay safe me#FF00BF "> my beloveds,” she whispered to her babies, kissing them lightly on the forehead. “I#0000FF ">-,” she began. Her voice cracked as she choked down a sob and turned away from them. She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible, and was enveloped by the trees. I fell to my knees, glad that I could move, but tormented because she had left me yet again. Broken sobs ripped from my chest for what felt like hours. #FF4000 ">Quieting, I wiped the dirt off my jeans and set off on my way home. I was only a yard away from the edge of the parking lot #FF0000 ">where(there should be some other word here, I guess. This word is not making any sense.) I started when someone spun me around abruptly.

Her gentle features and small figure personified nurture. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me#FF00FF ">?” My face burst into a joyous smile. I fell into her arms, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mother’s hugs should be, it felt cold and hard, a brick wall. I tried to shift out of her hug, wonder creasing my brow.

“What’s wrong, Asha?” she cackled maniacally. She rolled her eyes at the adoration that she undoubtedly saw in mine. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother Aiden,” she said, gesturing toward the squirming babies on the hospital step with her free arm. Her deceptively sweet face shone with malice, and I watched as an animalistic glint appeared in her dark eyes. Her lips spread, and I saw her sharp canine-like teeth. I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace. Her chest rumbled against me; I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body. That rumble, even though it was mostly inaudible, sounded like a growl. The thought of my mother growling sent a chill up #FF00FF ">down my spine.

“You were a burden on 'to' or 'in' should be used. my life.” She must’ve gotten sick of watching me wriggle under her gaze. “I’m glad I abandoned you.” Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet?

My tears broke her #00BF00 ">nonviolent façade. She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength. I cried out on #FF00FF ">in pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground, #00BF00 ">small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body.

Hey there Danie!

I have to say, this was great!

To be honest with you, I'm not going to critique anything. Mostly because there isn't really anything to critique! Anything that I would have to say has been said by other reviewers. So instead, I'm just going to say what I liked!

I absolutely loved your descriptions here! They were vivid and creative, but they weren't annoyingly long. Some writers have a problem with doing this! Me included sometimes...

I also really like your writing style. You're clearly very good at creating suspense and you showed it in this piece!

Overall, as you can probably tell, I really enjoyed reading this. You were descriptive and kept me interested for the entire piece.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there Danie!

I liked this piece.

I'm glad that it was a dream though, because it seemed a bit too strange and a bit confusing for it to be real.

I really liked this, although I think maybe you could make it a bit clearer, although in saying that, it is a dream, so it's not supposed to be crystal clear.

Good job! Thanks for posting this.

Keep Writing! xD

~Mo.

She removed a silver necklace where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.

I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace again. No dice.

Her chest rumbled against me since I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body.

Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet.

An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground; small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body.

I'm new here, so obviously I haven't read your first draft, but I'm really likin' what you have so far. It definitely made me want to keep on reading and I got a good feel for Asha's emotions.

Who were they? I felt a sharp pang of jealousy shoot through my every nerve.

pinkangel54123 wrote:
1. Reunion
Her.
Finally. I had been waiting for almost fifteen years.
Bands of anxiety constricted my heart. What should I say? My eyes followed her as she silently drifted past the tree line; it was thinner towards the edge like a balding head. The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core. It pressed onto me like a shadowy veil of malevolence. I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumn frost. #004000 ">Love the start to this, description is ace.
“Mom!” I shouted, waving my hands like a mad-woman. She continued to walk away from me, her head bowed against the frigid, salty air blowing in from off the ocean. #004000 ">Didn't expect this, very captivating! Fabulous!
I writhed in place trying to rid myself of my invisible captor as she adamantly trudged toward Luna General Hospital. Its bright lights seemed out of place against the dusky surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon glint off of an expensive sedan. My mother nodded in satisfaction when she spotted it. It seemed as if her plan-whatever it may be-was working seamlessly. #004000 ">You're very good at showing the reader the scene here, it's vivid and still leaves room for the reader's imagination. Flawless. May I just suggest replacing the word 'seamlessly'? It changes the atmosphere of your description in my opinion.
Her thick trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine. Who were they? #004000 ">Good use of italics, emphasis really shows the character's confusion/curiousity. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy shoot through my every nerve. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. My ears caught onto their soft cooing. Unlike me, they seemed untroubled by the darkness; almost like they belonged in its unfathomable depths. #004000 ">Nice use of vocabulary here, very good.
I noticed that she kept looking behind her at the forest. Whenever I peered into it, I saw nothing but crush and some thick evergreens. A few times she hesitated then looked back. She shuddered at what she saw, and with a look of determination she kept walking across the highway. It was the only thing between her and the hospital. #004000 ">I'm captivated.
I heard her breath a sigh of relief when she crossed onto the hospital’s property. She laid the children on the steps of the nearly empty hospital and backed away. The moonlight coasted her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue, making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.
Just try again, I thought to myself. It honestly couldn’t hurt. Maybe if I showed her how much I longed for her she would stay. “Wait for me!” My voice fell on deaf ears. She didn’t even turn my way.
“Stay safe me beloveds,” she whispered to her babies, kissing them lightly in the forehead. “I,” she began. Her voice cracked as she choked down a sob and turned away. The heartrending hooting of the owls welcomed her and her sorrow with open arms. She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible, and was enveloped by the trees. I fell to my knees, glad that I could move, but tormented because she had left me yet again. Broken sobs ripped from my chest for what felt like hours.
Quieting, I wiped the dirt off my jeans and started on my way home. I was only a yard away from the edge of the parking lot where I started when someone spun me around abruptly.
Her gently features and small figure personified nurture. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me.” My face burst into a joyous smile. I fell into her arms, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mother’s hugs should be it felt cold and hard; a brick wall. I tried to shift out of her hug, wonder creasing my brow.
“What’s wrong, Asha?” she cackled maniacally. She rolled her eyes at the adoration that she undoubtedly saw in mine. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother Aiden,” she said gesturing toward the squirming babies on the hospital step with her free arm. Her deceptively sweet face shone with malice, and I watched as an animalistic glint appeared in her dark eyes. Her lips spread, so I could see her sharp canine-like teeth. I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace again. No dice. Her chest rumbled against me since I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body. That rumble, even though it was nearly inaudible, sounded somewhat like a growl. The thought of my mother growling sent a chill up my spine.
“You were a burden on my life,” she spat. She must’ve gotten sick of watching me wriggle under her gaze. “I’m glad I abandoned you.” Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet.
My tears broke her nonviolent façade. She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength. I cried out on pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground; small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body. #004000 ">Nice way to round off. Can't pick many mistakes atall with this piece, very good!

NitPIcks

pinkangel54123 wrote:Stay safe me beloveds

pinkangel54123 wrote:Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet.

Thank you guys for the reviews. I'll be posting more once I get a few more.
Careless- The dream was kinda nescessary. It gives you a lot of facts mixed in with imagination. I'm sorry if you were upset that it was only a dream.

One thing I really like about this piece is the description. It's very colorful and varying. I feel like I'm there for most of your story. The same can be said about your voice and style.

I also like the character Asha, but I wish I could know more about her besides her bad relationship with her mom. Maybe some more description of her. Though not too much because it could slow down the story.

What you might want to fix is the pace. It's a tad slow, maybe take away some of the description, even if it all is wonderful. It sometimes makes the story hard to understand. A lot of the description seems necessary to the story, but maybe you can find a way to compress it?

Though what confuses me is why she cared for the babies and not Asha and Aiden. Or, if she cared for the babies. And if she cared, why would she abandon them?

Another thing you might want to make clearer is if she woke up from a dream, or if someone carried her back home after her mom hurt her.

Overall I really like this piece. It has suspense and really grabbed me. PM me if you post more!
--Olivia

Hi there!
...
...
I am absolutely sure I had some stuff to critique, but then I got further in and I forgot them all. I was captivated.
It's now been about two minutes since I wrote "I was captivated" and I am still sitting here considering your story. It's powerful. Which is not to say that it can't be improved, because it can. For instance:
1. It doesn't usually frost in early autumn.
2. I got very little emotion off Mom in the beginning, so I assumed she was sort of a tortured-beauty type. When I saw the two babies, I assumed she was ripped apart by the pain of having to abandon her infants. It came as a total surprise when she started spitting at her daughter. And not the good kind of surprise.
3. Why does Mom hate Asha so much? And if one of the babies is Aiden, who is the other one?
4. I'm sorry to say so, but waking up from a bad dream is really cliche. Because basically what you're doing is giving us a whole world to dive into, and, being your innocent readers, we assume it's true. By having your character wake up from it half a page in, it's like you're saying "Ha ha! I fooled you! I was just kidding!" Of course, if you do it right, you might be able to pull off the waking up. I don't have any advice, because it's your story, but just think about what I said, kay?
5. What did she wake up to?! I really, really want to know.