The monster crouches near my toes,
anticipating the oncoming blows.
You saunter over and begin to approach,
on his territory you dare not encroach.
A single movement made too fast,
it very well may be your last.
Your foolish threats, are resumed,
the beast bubbles up, I’m almost consumed.
You still continue your verbal abuse,
his talent will soon be put to misuse.
You tease, and then you taunt,
his fighting skills he will soon flaunt.
You prepare to try and take me down,
the creature thinks you are a clown.
You think your hand will hit my face,
the creature puts you in your place.
You growl, then swipe, and roar,
the creature makes you no more.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Well overall I really like your poem. At the begininng the rhyming starts off very well and it flows very nicely. The rhymes fit in well with the way you are going with the poem. At the end however, I thought the ryhming got very forced and unnecessary rhmyes and lines were put in. Overall I thought in was a very good poem I would just look over and revise the last few lines.
Hello Dr. Seuss.
The rhyme scheme is horrible. It's really simple. No offense but it reminds me of something I would write in grade 2 minus the vocabulary. Like OverEasy said in the above post, your rhymes are forced. You don't have to have a rigid rhyme scheme of ABAB. You ALWAYS have the choice of in rhyme or multiple rhymes to keep your piece interesting. Your poem reminded me of your avatar.
Wow I sound really harsh, sorry, but I don't want to sugarcoat this. Compliments never made a writer any better but they can't hurt so...
I like the concept. It's new and fresh. I just want you to make something much more out of it. Right now you have an empty canvas. I would love to see what you will fill it with and the artistic steps you are going to use and implement to get your piece there.
First Impressions
Well the flow was consistant, which is lovely, but some parts felt very very very forced. Even in poetry with rhyme you don't want it to sound like you're forcing the words out of yourself.
This like just feels wrong. A clown? You have such a good picture going, but this image does not flow with the rest of the wonderful scene you have created. I would strongly consider reworking it.
Like here, the words are put together oddly to make sure that the rhyming word ends at the right point. However the problem with it is that it makes the rest of the sentence stumble. Try reading it allowed and see what I mean, both sections are very fumbily and awkward.
On Imaginary
You have some really fantastic images in this piece, and a really wonderful base for what could be an even better poem. I love the idea of the monster being almost protective, it's quite lovely. The storyline here is new and refreshing, and I enjoyed it very much.
Punctuation
I didn't see many errors, however in the sentence below the comma feels missplaced. If you read it aloud pausing in that moment feels very odd.
Overall
I really enjoyed this a lot, and I like the story you are starting to create. I'd love to see a rework of it. Let me know if you post one.
OverEasy
Yes, I like this, it's so dark and evil hahah. This is a really good poem.