Published June 4, 2009
A seasons change
That brings new winds
Also brings new minds.
For all of this time
And for all that has happened
So much has been left unsaid.
I sit here and I watch
Enjoying life as it comes
And as I look out I see God
His work, I admire
Such beauty seems inhuman
But many attempt recreation.
Each day brings new meaning
And new opportunities as well.
If not for you, I’d be lost.
All this has been difficult
And the pain I caused is undeserving.
For that, I am sorry.
I feel this is overdue.
So many times it’s past me,
But now I give you my thanks and my gratitude.
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello. ^_^ Saw this somewhere on the site and thought I'd pop in to share some comments. I'm Hannah, by the way. =D
First of all, do you know why you divided your work into stanzas? Personally, when I read it, I see absolutely no reason for you to have done so. There are a couple reasons that I've learned are appropriate for dividing into stanzas. Firstly, if you are following a strict form and the form requires a break, then of course you would break. You, however, are not following any sort of strict form that I can see, and if you are, I don't think you should be. The other reason for stanza-breaking would be a change in subjects.
I think that the most helpful thing anyone could do to improve their poetry, going back through it to try to make it better, would be to take it out of the line breaks and look at it in prose form. Seriously, this helps you use the correct punctuation and also makes sure that your sentences make sense when you're not distracted by line breaks in the middle of things. =]
Lastly, the message is nearly completely lost in the midst of these choppy stanzas. I get a vague sense of apologizing for something done wrong because the narrator is so inspired by the beauty around him/her, but that could be completely wrong. Try to pick a message to focus on and make sure it is alive throughout your poem.
Other than that, try some imagery or similes that will fit with that chosen message. Choose your words wisely and have them all fit into evoking the emotion that you want.
PM me if you have any questions and if you post a revised version of this or anything else you want reviewed! ^_^
-Hannah-
Well, I'm not much for small talk, so I'll get down to it.
At first I thought it was a typo, so I'd put an apostrophe in the first line depending the message.
Recreation? Like playing basketball? If you want to keep it as it is, maybe a hyphen would help.
Other than those technical things, I really enjoyed this.
Especially the last line, which happened to be the only rhyming one.
So here's my last suggestion and then I promise I'm done...
It would probably flow better if it all rhymed like that.
Just my opinion, so if you don't want to change it, it isn't crucial.
Good job.
-Rachel
This piece kind of sums up how you feel when you say goodbye to a place, or a person, or a time. It reminds me of how I felt when I realized I would never be a seventh grader again. You have those feelings of regret and saddness, yet you have to thank everyone for the great times, the laughs, the times you cried on each other's shoulders, the inside jokes, and even the fights over nothing. It's bitter sweet. I think you did very well on the poetic value of the poem, and could almost feel the words flowing off my tongue. I don't exactly specialize in poetry (I don't really specialize in anything, actually), but I know good quality writing when I see it. This was amazing. The only thing I would change is the part where you say, "But many attempt recreation." This just seems a tad off subject. But otherwise, this is, well, wow.