Here it is, the rest of the critique:
“Now you wished to know what I want from you.”
This is slightly awkward. I'd reword it or take it out. Something simpler, like 'You think I want something from you?' could work.
Tom nodded his head. “I want nothing from you;
Tom isn't speaking, so he shouldn't be mentioned in this paragraph. If you want to mention Tom nodding his head, split this paragraph into several paragraphs.
For example:
“You know what I want from you?”
(Insert paragraph about Tom's actions here).
"I want nothing. I came here..."
And then go from there.
If someone is speaking, don't put another character in that same paragraph. Doing so can cause confusion.
“Why don‘t you tell me?” Asked Tom more curious now then frightened.
Hmmm... if "Why don't you tell me," is a statement, then rephrase it so it sounds like one.
For example, it could be: "Maybe you should tell me."
Otherwise, the reader could read it as a question, which leads to confusion and misinterpretation.
“Ha, answering a question with a question a question, I like that. So I’ll respond with another
I'm not sure if I like this or not. What kind of character do you want Mathias to be? Powerful? Pleasant? Scary? Crazy? Emotionless? Mysterious?
Keep in mind that dialogue defines characters. What they say should be consistent with who they are.
Tom thought a moment while Mathias wrote something down in the journal, again acquiring a pencil from this nothingness. His grin began to grow larger, “Elena.”
Character confusion. You have two characters in the same paragraph. Not good. Focus on one character at a time. If you need to, break it up into several different paragraphs.
What I'm saying is, Tom and Mathias can't be in the same paragraph. Otherwise, we might think Tom is speaking when Mathias is speaking, and vice versa.
Keeping characters in their own paragraphs allows you to control which character the reader is focusing on.
Basically, with two characters, the paragraphs should be arranged something like this:
(Paragraph about the setting; includes any changes to the setting)
(Paragraph about Mathias; includes any dialogue, thought, or actions by Mathias)
(Paragraph about Tom; includes any dialogue, thought, or actions by Tom)
(Paragraph about setting)
(Paragraph about Mathias)
(Paragraph about Tom)... etc.
And so on. The paragraphs can be in any order, but you want to alternate between the setting, the first character, and the second character.
Keep in mind that your paragraphs can be short.
“Do you know what that is?” Tom shook his head no. “Well, I’ll tell you a bit of valuable information. The Book of Sorrows as the ability to read people.”
Same deal. Keep characters in separate paragraphs.
(Also, I noticed a type in the last sentence: 'as' should be 'has')
For example, I wanted to what you desired most.
To what? I think you mean: "I wanted to know what..."
“Elena’s soul never made it to heaven.”
Hmm... this is good... assuming that souls exist. (And assuming that heaven exists). I'll get back to this.
“You still don’t know how she died do you? Why she was found in the park cut to ribbons by some unknown weapon and no suspect was ever found?”
ooo... This could have more power if we, the readers, learn this some way other than dialogue.
Perhaps, in the beginning, have a scene with her death?
Or perhaps, have a scene in which her body is found?
Those are just ideas.
with anticipation for the answer he thought to come.
Too many prepositional phrases. This could be shortened.
For years he had prayed, but none of them ever seemed answered.
But none of 'them'... Change 'them' to 'his prayers,' and it will be easier to understand.
“She was killed by a demon.”
Intriguing.
Tom froze in shock, “A…a demon killed…” he closed his eyes as he started to shed tears and cry silently
First of all, the story would become more believable if Tom doesn't believe in demons.
That way, you can prove him wrong... and prove the reader wrong if he has the same opinion.
The same could be true with angels. Not everyone believes in angels, so if Tom doesn't believe, then more readers could relate to this story.
Also, I think it would make more sense of Tom doesn't believe Mathias. It would make the story more intense if Tom doesn't trust Mathias.
Slowly he lowered his head so his bangs hid his face.
'Bangs' is usually used as a verb, so I would reword this to say something like: '...so his hair hid his eyes.'
“How can I get her back?”
Who says he can? It isn't believable to have Tom think of this by himself.
“What would you have me do?”
I don't think Tom should trust Mathias. It would make the story more... interesting.
For some reason
Beware of unnecessary words.
He no longer has any fear and all doubt seems to be whipped from his mind.
'has'... 'seems'... With this sentence, you went from the past tense to the present tense. Or should I say, you go from the past tense to the present...
Keep your story in the same tense.
Pointing at the book in Tom’s left hand, “I told you the basics to the Book of Sorrow. Tell who you wish, but know this,” he paused as he walked over to the window and opened it, “In three days time your life will change forever.”
Who is doing what? Pronouns and dialogue. Two characters in the same paragraph. This leads to confusion.
I wonder where this is going. Not bad.
As to the whole thing about the demon... what exactly is a demon? How does a demon kill someone?
Until you answer these questions to the reader, Tom shouldn't believe Mathias.
Be careful not to make demons or angels seem cliche.
For example, who says angels have wings? Who says demons have horns?
Keep that in mind.
Hmm... it seems that Tom, the main character, is developing a goal. This is good. The main character needs a goal to have a story.
Because you mentioned demons, I assume this story also has a villain. This is good, because the main character needs an obstacle. The main character should face conflict when achieving a goal.
I'm going to give you a formula:
Goal
Conflict
Disaster
Reaction
Dilemma
Decision
(and the cycle repeats)
The above formula is an ongoing cycle, which can be useful for writing a story.
The character has goal, faces conflict in achieving that goal, and it results in disaster. The character reacts to the disaster, chooses his best option, makes a decision, and thus has another goal. (the cycle repeats). The result is a plot.
I'm not sure if you have the plot planned out, but keep the above "formula" in mind if you get stuck.
I wonder where this is going.
Keep writing.
Points: 890
Reviews: 26
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