Published November 29, 2008
What is this feeling?
The one I get when you pass by.
The one I see in your eye
When you look at me.
What is this feeling?
What is this look?
The one plainly written on your face.
The one I catch myself using
When your eyes show me your soul.
what is this look?
What is the meaning?
The meaning of these feelings
that caress our very thoughts to no end.
The looks on our faces when we think of each other.
What is the meaning of these things?
What do they mean?
Why, why don't I realize this?
Why don't I realize what's going on?
Why don't help me comprehend these changes in mood?
Why do I refuse to realize I'm in love with you?
(first poem I've written in a while......looking for advice. 6th poem i've ever written........yeah.....)
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,455 Reviews
lol mkay
I liked it. Very nice. Well since it is early in the morning and my brain isn't functioning, I'll critique it later.
Thanks eveyone. The sentance that doesn't make sense is a typo. My bad. It was supposed to have 'you' in between 'don't' and 'help'. Sorry for the confusion, but thanks for the advice.
"Why don't help me comprehend these changes in mood?"
This sentence, to me, doesn't make sense. It lacks a subject, so I don't know who you're asking this of. But, overall, it's a good poem. Not bad, considering you've only written six.
I don't have a lot to say, since Face Engine pretty much said it all already. I agree with him. It's a good poem, but not remarkable. The only thing that really bothered me was:
These two lines mean exactly the same thing. You don't need them both.
That's it! Keep writing.
This was good-as far as I'm concerned, you can't go wrong with poetry anyway. But you said you're looking for advice, and nine people so far seem to have ignored that request or felt incapable of giving advice, so I'll have a go.
The theme of love, particularly teenage, lusty, angsty love makes up a lot of poetry on YWS. As such, some people get bored with it. Sometimes, even the most grumpy and dark critic will really like a love poem, but for a poem of this sort to be considered extraordinary it really does have to be extraordinary. So, if you are trying to write a poem that is original or which is the best of its kind, writing about love is probably one of the hardest ways to do so.
Many people think it is essential for poems to have some symbolism and fanciful imagery in them-I don't personally, but I do know that poems without symbolism tend to be criticised quite harshly by some. So, to avoid those sorts of criticisms, you'll want to add a bit of symbolism/imagery in (but if that doesn't feel right you are under no obligation to do so).
Apart from that, there's isn't much to say. I noticed what appears to be a mistake, "Why don't help me comprehend these changes in mood?" I don't know what that's supposed to say, but it they "Why don't help me" bit needs something in there, like "Why don't you help me" or something.
It was good, and you are clearly a talented poet. Keep up the good work!