Young Writers Society

Hi there! You appear to be new so welcome to the site! Would you mind reviewing a few other people's work before you post more of your own? Only we like everyone to try and write two reviews for every piece of work they post. Thanks.

Now as for the poem, I really like it but I think you need to work on your rhythm and rhyme a little. The flow isn't as smooth as it could be but you have a great theme. Here's a quick line by line with some suggestions -

Thine and Mine

Oh life, the way we mingle [Perhaps a comma at the end of this line.]
Is way beyond compare [I think these first two lines are great but maybe re-word your next a little to something like 'Though our desires may linger alone?' and a semi colon would work pretty well.]
Even though our desires linger
Alone? Is that naturally fair? [That way you can remove alone from this line and the stanza will flow better -

Oh life, the way we mingle,
Is way beyond compare;
Though our desires may linger alone.
Is that naturally fair?]

Some are perfect breeding
In the invoked twilight of despair [I'd put a period here. Great imagery by the way.]
Sad, nocturnal relationships
Are the only vague thing that we dare [Period here too.]

You are my only left sorrow [I think this first line needs re-wording. Perhaps 'You are my remaining sorrow' or 'You are my final sorrow' or maybe 'You remain my only sorrow'.]
In the wake of the night [Period here.]
I shall approach the morrow
In the isle of [s]the[/s] shimmering
sight [Period at the end of this line and good imagery here.]

Our hopes, dreams, for a better life [Maybe have a dash here?]
A darker night, a brighter light.
Love is scientifically divine
But mine,
Is trivial and thine,
is damaging and fine.

Overall, I think you have some lovely imagery and you use your vocabulary skillfully but you have to remember that punctuation is important. Generally it was very well written though and I certainly enjoyed it.