“Psst!” a voice said, “Destiny!” Tyler was hiding behind one of the trees. Quickly, Destiny ran over to him, “I know you don’t like hiding alone much,” Tyler said, “You should hide with me.”
“Who said I don’t like hiding alone?” Destiny asked defiantly, but Tyler didn’t seem interested.
“Follow me,” He said, “I’ve got the perfect place to hide.”
They ran up, away from the farm, and into the forest. Destiny followed him the way she always had back then. Tyler was her best friend. In a way, he was always taking care of her. Destiny sometimes just took that for granted, like it was his job. Her mom would never let her go anywhere unless Tyler was there to look out for her.
A gust of wind swept up through the valley and played through the overhanging branches. You could hear the creek where it ran just a short distance off. Destiny liked the noise of it. Even better, she liked playing in it; letting her feet step over the hard rocks, feeling the cool current run across her ankles.
Destiny lay down in the grass, pulling Tyler with her. She plucked a dandelion, and blew on it, “Make a wish,” she said, “They come true when you do that.”
Tyler nodded, watching one of the little fuzzy seeds flying across the air.
* * *
Even now, looking out the single window against the wall, Destiny could see the foregrounds of the mansion stretching out before them, separating them in a way from the tall city towers.
The hallway outside her room had a wooden floor. She walked down the steps of the large house, passing through hallways lined with large paintings, and wide windows. A dog, Sammy, was barking up from the entrance room at her as she peered down over the banister. Destiny gasped, unsure of what to do.
Markus, Adriel’s twelve year old, little brother, came out from the kitchen, and waved up at her “Breakfast is ready,” he told her. Destiny nodded. She walked down the stairs, surprised when the dog ran up to her, and licked her hand, and wagged his tail. The kitchen was empty, except for Markus who was frying eggs and bacon over a brick stove.
He had a happy spring to his step when he walked. He looked light hearted, like there wasn’t a thing in the world he had to worry about. Maybe, with a house like this one, there wasn’t a thing for him to worry about, “How do you like your eggs?” he asked cheerfully.
“Just like that is fine,” Destiny said, sitting down by the table. Markus slid the eggs and bacon over a plate where she was sitting, “Thank you.”
Markus nodded, and sat at the head of the table. He poured himself a bowl of cereal along with his eggs and bacon, “Markus? Where’s Adriel?” Destiny asked.
Markus froze for a moment in the middle of taking a bite of his runny eggs, “He’s working,” he said.
“Oh,” Destiny said, nodding.
Markus seemed to sense something was wrong with her, “There’s nothing to worry about,” he told her, “This city really is a nice place, despite whatever you might have seen last night. And Adriel doesn’t mind you staying here as long as you need.”
“That’s very nice of him,” Destiny said, “I think I’d like to go for a walk though, if you don’t mind.”
Markus smiled at her, “Suit yourself, Destiny,” he said.
Outside was cool and breezy. It was autumn here in this out of the way place, too. She could see the ocean just a short way off. Having changed into a new set of clothes from the dresser in her room, Destiny was dressed warmly enough for the weather, and she made her way to the streets.
Everyone in the city was just as oblivious to her as people would be in any other city. But there was something different about them. They all seemed to have something in common, though Destiny couldn’t quite tell what it was.
“He’s always lost in his work,” Markus said, running up to join Destiny, “My big brother.”
Destiny looked down at him, happy to have him as a partner as they walked through their side of the city, “What does he do?” she asked.
“Oh,” Markus hesitated, “He’s an artist. A good one too. He’s actually pretty famous. He designed a lot of the newer architecture here, and did a lot of the Murals.”
Some children were playing in the streets. She watched them playing ball and riding on their bikes. They looked joyful and happy, and couldn’t be so much younger than Markus. But there was something that separated Markus from them, Destiny thought. He seemed more mature. He seemed like there was something else going on deep down inside of him that there wasn’t in those innocent children.
The day passed surprisingly fast after that. She spent most of it with Markus, who seemed happy to have a companion other than his dog. She listened to him play piano on the Grand they had in the ballroom, on which he was surprisingly skillful, and listened intently as he gave a tour through the house. There were some parts of the house left out of the tour, however. There was an entire hallway that Markus seemed to just skip over. Then they went on to the grounds out back.
They were beautiful, just as beautiful as the house. Even though the mansion was so closely located to the city, the hedges and bushes blocked everything out, and gave it a feeling of privacy, “Adriel likes to be alone a lot,” Markus said, as he looked up at the hedges, “He’s a private person, and he loves beautiful things. He has an eye for them, or something.”
He sounded like he was reciting something about his brother he had heard from someone else, “They’re wonderful,” She told him, “Beautiful. Like a secret Garden.”
“Maybe that’s what he was going for.”
Destiny was thoughtful for a moment, “Where does Adriel work at exactly?” she asked.
“Adriel has two studios,” Markus told her, “One here at the house, the other in town. He’ll either be at one of those two, or maybe somewhere else.”
“Somewhere else?” Destiny asked, “Like where?”
Markus shrugged, “Adriel goes a lot of places,” he said.
* * *
The next day, she made a point of going that way, but found her way blocked by a pair of impressive looking, heavy, black doors. What they were made out of, Destiny couldn’t tell, but they felt too hard to be wood, and the sound they made when she knocked on them didn’t sound at all hollow.
A couple days into her stay, she began helping around the house. It was cleanly enough for a bachelor's pad, but there was still plenty to be done, and she wanted something to do anyways. It was during one of her cleaning sprees that Adriel happened to actually be home for a change.
“Excuse me?” he said, looking down with a grin at her. She was scrubbing beneath an old fashioned furnace in one of the corners, and jumped a little at the sound of his voice, “What are you doing?”
Destiny attempted to keep her tone mild, “I am cleaning the house since you seem to always have better things to do than to do it yourself,” she replied.
Adriel looked at her quizzically, “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m not used to my absences being noticed.”
“Not by Markus?” Destiny asked.
Adriel shrugged, “Markus goes to school,” he said simply, “You really don’t have to do that. I’m not keeping you here to be my slave.”
“You’re just keeping me here to be a prisoner then?” Destiny asked.
Adriel looked taken aback, “Who said you were a prisoner?” he asked, “You can leave whenever you want.”
“But I don’t know how,” Destiny told him.
Adriel nodded, “That’s your problem, not mine,” he said, “Anyways, you don’t seem to mind staying here. You seem to have accepted it quite nicely.”
Destiny didn’t say anything, just continued scrubbing. When it came time for dinner, she went with Markus to the stove and supervised him while he cooked, “Green beans,” she told him, “You need something healthy in your diets. Both of you do.”
Adriel smirked where he sat in his chair. Destiny glared at him, “I don’t suppose you could lift a finger to help?” she asked.
Adriel, who was reading a newspaper, just shook his head, and said nothing in return.
It was in this way that she found herself staring out into the ocean in the middle of the day. Her stomach growled, but she did not move from her spot beneath the tree. She just stared out over the ocean, watching the sunlight glisten over its surface. Her thoughts wandered as she played with the ends of a mustard plant. Now that she was here, it was hard to imagine ever having been where she was before.
The pain was still there, hiding somewhere inside her. For now, she was content to let it rest. And as she lay there, her thoughts drifted to Adriel. He was handsome, that was easy to see, though not overly handsome. There was something in the way he carried himself that spoke of confidence, and inner strength.
The house was quiet and empty when she returned. Adriel was probably upstairs, locked away in his studio. He seemed to be doing that more and more frequently, staying home during the afternoons and evenings, and eating with her and Markus. Destiny didn’t know why.
There wasn’t much cleaning to do. Adriel had left her a basket full of shirts by his door, so she started on that, and then began work on dinner. When Markus returned home from school, he threw his bag over one of the chairs, and peered over the stove to get a look at what Destiny was making, “I’m starving,” he said, and he set a basket on the counter, “I brought you bread from the bakery.”
“Thank you, Markus,” Destiny said, “that was very thoughtful of you.” She set the bread down on the table next to the pasta, and clapped her hands together, “There! All done.”
“Should I go get Adriel?” Markus asked.
“Yes, please do,” Destiny said. Markus disappeared for a moment, and Destiny heard his quick, light footsteps as they raced up the wooden stairs. He returned shortly, and after a few more moments had passed, slow, even footsteps could be heard coming from the bottom stretch of the stairwell. Adriel appeared through the kitchen doorway, smiling lackadaisically.
“Dinner,” Adriel said, sitting down at the table looking pleased. Destiny had to hold her tongue as she often seemed to have to do around him. She always wanted to insult him, for some reason. Instead, she loaded their plates with food, and joined them at the table, “Well, Destiny,” he began, as soon as his food had vanished, “That was a great meal. I have to say we’ve been eating a lot better ever since you came around.”
To Destiny’s astonishment, he then proceeded to clear the table, and took the dishes over to the sink to clean them, “I don’t know what we ever did without you,” he said.
Destiny was speechless for a moment. Then, recomposing herself, she said, “Well don’t get too used to it. I won’t be here much longer.”
An almost sad expression came over Markus’s face, and he shuffled out of the room, taking his backpack along with him. When Adriel turned back around from the dishes, he seemed surprised to find himself alone with Destiny. Then his expression returned to normal, and he sat back in his chair.
“If you really need a cook that badly, you could hire one. I’m sure you have enough money to,” she said.
Adriel shrugged, “No, I don’t want a cook,” he said simply. Then he looked at her, “How do you like it here?”
Destiny hesitated, “I like it here a lot,” She admitted.
“Really?” Adriel asked looking surprised again, “Despite the whole being kept here against your will thing?”
Destiny shook her head, “I’m over that,” she said.
“You are?”
“Yes,” Destiny said, “I realized it wasn’t your fault I got on that bus. And it isn’t your fault that I can’t get back...yet.”
Adriel smiled, “Yes!” he said, “I knew you couldn’t hate me forever.”
Destiny raised her chin, looking away, “Well I didn’t say anything about that,” she said, getting out of her chair, and making for the doorway, “I just said I don’t blame you.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Black Doors Chapter 3Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there, Ita to review.
Well, after the initial shock of arrival, it seems Destiny has accustomed herself to the place. Perhaps a bit too quickly... there was either outside influence at work, or this is a bit of Mary Su'ing. In the first chapter, Destiny struck me as a highly suspicious and hesitant person, now she seems perfectly at home. She didn't trust Adriel either. Think about that, aye?
Once again I'd like to point out the somewhat confusing format, it could put some people off.
Dream scene. Let's begin.
Right. Minor nit-pick: when the character is 'it', you might want to use apostrophes instead of speech marks, to differentiate.
In the first part, the comma should be substituted for a period, after 'a voice said'.
Also, in the next sentence, try: 'Destiny ran over to him as quickly as she could'; or 'Destiny hurried over towards him' for a stronger impact. And after that, there should be a period instead of a comma, and a new line when Tyler speaks. No capital 'h' is required after "Follow me", either. 'Destiny followed him like she had done back then'... back when? When they were younger? Like she always used to do? /nazi mode.
Now, moving on.
Once again, bedroom description is lacking. Has Destiny,in her brief stay, personalized the room given to her in any way? Does it have a view? Does it smell of dust and old paper? The clean, fresh scent of flowers? Does it remind her of anything? Details, details, my friend.
The same goes for the kitchen. What are the items made of? Does it have windows? Where are the characters seated? Also, for maximum effect, use sensory adjectives. What do the eggs taste of, what do they smell of? All these small details contribute to giving the story more realism.
The lack of description is, in some places, the greatest thing this piece lacks, so yeah. Work on that.
Furthermore, Destiny, as I've already mentioned, seems to go from a suspicious person to a servile made... ho-hum.
This clashes with
There are other nit-picks in this chapter, specifically capitalization and the repetitiveness of some words, as has been pointed out below.
Be careful not to overuse 'said' too much. There are other words. 'Exclaimed'; 'cried'; 'muttered'; 'hissed'; 'mused'; and so forth.
Keep up the good work!
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed
Thanks so much for the awesome review! I fixed the formatting for this chapter and chapter 1. Is that more what it should look like?
Interesting. I saw some little mistakes like form instead or from and higher instead of hire. Be careful not to repeat the same words all the time. I saw the words "surprise" and "surprisingly" quite often.
Mmm.. Adriel is mysterious. I wanna see if he has a secret. I like the sparks of humor in there ^^
Thanks for noticing! I went through and fixed those issues on a different edition of this chapter, but I haven't yet on here. I hope you enjoy chapter 3 just as much