Sea Ghost
Of course I can
Can’t you
Feel the chilling breeze
The water cold against your feet
Something beautiful about the ocean
Waves
Rolling
Pulling
Calling for your heart
Sometimes
I find it hard to look
The seagulls sit and watch
Stare forever into the distance
Where
Some where
The sea must touch the sky
I’d wade forever in the shallows
Though my feet may turn to ice
Just to feel
At one with such beauty
And if I slept
I might wake
To the ever clear sky
Or misty fog
That rolls in with the waves
If I slept
I might wake alone
And find an old lover’s ghost
My sister always woke me
She’d say
“I’ll leave you here for the day”
I’d sit and stay
Watch the ghost drift away
There is a ghost
Swimming in those waters
Bobbing up and down
I can feel her
Hugging me
In the luscious
Cold grip
Yet soft as the wind
The emerald
Blue waters
The white
Sea foam
Carrying
The many shells
For me my sister would collect
“Take these,”
She’d say
Plucking one from the ocean
Like pulling a star from heaven
They say you can hear them
The whispers
Of the wind
And the waves
From the hollow shells
If everything is still
I can hear them
They beg for me still
Hey Phantom!
I liked this poem, but I have a few suggestions.
First of all, you need to think more about punctuation
For example,
On the second line should be a question mark. Adding punctuation helps a lot when reading to make it flow better.
Like here, if you put a comma it will help make it smooth.
That is mainly all I have to say, also maybe rhyming a few more words.
You should read it aloud a few times and bend the words to flow, add punctuation where you pause in you speech.
I love it!
~Rainn
*your*
Thanks Rainn!
I liked this, but it seemed a little... Rough? It feels that half of it was written rather quickly, and coming from someone who crams out poetry and it shows- I have the same habit of doing it. The concept is good and with a few stanzas I got a really clear image of either what you were trying to convey or what I wanted to see. Which is good! Bravo.
Some quick stanzas I liked:
"And if I slept
I might wake
To the ever clear sky
Or misty fog
That rolls in with the waves
If I slept
I might wake alone
And find an old lover’s ghost"
I liked these, but the ghost concept (although cool/interesting) seemed out of place. I also really like the last stanza.
A few pointers:
"Something beautiful about the ocean
Waves
Rolling
Pulling
Calling for your heart
Sometimes
I find it hard to look
The seagulls sit and watch
Stare forever into the distance
Where
Some where
The sea must touch the sky"
This section seemed a little flat, and a little cliche. Just say no to cliches!
Overall, I liked the poem. Made me think. That's good. Brought pictures to my head, so bravo on a job well done!
I liked this poem a lot. It had a smooth elegance about it. The only thing I was slightly confused about was how you were trying to incorporate the ghost part. I think it was pretty good though. Good job!
I like it a lot. However a truly great poem grips the reader. This was good, but lasted a bit too long.
Furthermore, you didn't really explain how the ghost comes into play. Or is that your purpose? If it is, I would try and make that more clear to the reader.
As I say, try and make it a little more concise. This way, the reader will fully come to terms with the poem and most probably understand what you're getting at.
Overall, very good. 8/10.
I like it a lot. However a truly great poem grips the reader. This was good, but lasted a bit too long.
Furthermore, you didn't really explain how the ghost comes into play. Or is that your purpose? If it is, I would try and make that more clear to the reader.
As I say, try and make it a little more concise. This way, the reader will fully come to terms with the poem and most probably understand what you're getting at.
Overall, very good. 8/10.
I liked this a lot. I'm confused at how the ghost came into play and the reason it did at all, but I did like it.