Please enjoy and critique 
Chapter 1--I don't think I should be here...
The rain was pouring. It wasn’t a thunderstorm, just a heavy rainfall. It wasn’t the best night for me to run away.
Okay, I guess I should start at the beginning; my name is Leah. Yeah I know you were expecting some magical name like uh…Samria or Kal’rin’gola or something equally retarded. No, I’m just Leah.
I was told to make this stupid ‘recorded’ statement, to try to convince my parents (and the rest of the world) that I’m not crazy. That’s going to be very hard considering they also want the truth.
Anyway, I was running away while it was poring. Had some stupid idea that the tracking dogs wouldn’t find me. Of course I didn’t think about the fact that I was going to freeze to death. Or that there might be some psycho rapist slash killer on the loose. But hey, I had my chocolate and bottled water so I was all good.
I live—no…lived in the ‘burbs of Detroit Michigan, never actually been to the place but I could still brag. So, my point is, I was running into this restricted area. No one knows (should I say knew?)-- why it’s restricted and no one has really tried to get over the huge stone wall with about two feet of barbed wire topping it off.
But I’m not most people…I mean I’m making a statement in a psycho ward—hey…that hurt. If you smack me again…I’m going to smack you back. Geez…the people here are really impatient.
So I gues I'll continue. I went to the front door or should I say gate? There was a button and as a fifteen years old I pushed it.
“Whad ya want?” It, obviously, was a man’s voice.
“Uh…I came here to see my…uh…dad” Come on…it was the first thing I could think of!
“You Larson’s daughter?”
“Um…oh…uh-huh.” What luck! I mean, this stuff only happens in the movies!
“Can you show your ID?” This is where I started swearing in my head.
“Huh?”
“Into the camera.”
“Geez mister…I’m real sorry…but daddy didn’t tell me to bring an ID.” I was thinking that if one magic thing happened, maybe— but he so rudely interrupted my thoughts.
“Can’t get in without an ID”
“P-please mister? It’s really cold a-and rainy out here.” I did that childish thing of clasping my hands together and swinging around. Remember you almighty people who decide if I’m a psycho or not, I am fifteen…this doesn’t really help my case…does it?
“Aww (I will not repeat this word because my parents are standing behind one of those one sided window things)” the gate did slide open. I saw a building and, naturally, went into it.
“Thank you so much mister.”
“Sit down and shut up until I go get your father.”
“No…um…you really don’t have to…”
“Um…yes…I really do.” I sat. While I did, I noticed a huge window facing the forest enclosed that was enclosed in the stone walls.
“Christy…hey” I looked to see a dude with brown hair and brown eyes staring dumbly at me, “you’re not Christy…”
“No…um…I’m here for a job.” I stood, holding out my hand with a serious expression on my face. By the way…I’m really good at lying…wait…but I’m not lying about this…great. Now they think I’m crazy.
Okay already! I’ll get on with my ‘statement.’
Well, he looked over me and my outstretched arm, which was starting to ache, and smiled. He took it.
“Are you a virgin?” Okay, I don’t know if you’ve ever had anyone ask you that, but it really makes people uncomfortable.
“Um…yeah…”
“You’re hired.” Both the rude guy's mouth and my mouths hung open. Okay, okay. I’ve just always wanted to be in a situation where my mouth hangs opened. But you get my drift, right? We were surprised.
“Sir…”
“I’ll have none of that Paul.”
“Um…thank you?” He just hired me on the pretense that I was a virgin. Which made me start thinking about the rapists on television…did they like ‘experienced’ people or people like me.
“Tomorrow, you go outside.”
“And?”
“That’s it. Go outside and walk around.”
“Am I going to get killed?” I asked. Yes, I was freaked. And hungry.
“No.” He laughed.
“I’ll show you to your room.” Mr. Larson walked away, and then came back when I wasn’t following him. “Come on.”
**
The room wasn’t bad. It had a pretty comfortable cot, an attached bathroom and a closet, but it lacked personality.
The walls were white and the carpet a kind of tanish color. I set my soaked bag by the closet.
“Do you have shampoo?” I turned around and asked Mr. Larson.
“Yes, it’s in the bathroom.”
“Thanks. If its okay, I’m gonna shower now.” Mr. Larson nodded. I won’t go into all the juicy details, but I took a shower. So sue me.
Okay, after I took a shower, I collapsed. I was tired since I’d just ran for a while.
Alright, alright! It was just a mile or two, but I’m not a freaking cross country person. I HATE running.
On to business:
When I woke up, Larson basically dragged a half-asleep version of me (very cranky, just ask mom) out side. He said something along the lines of walk around outside. Don’t trip and die…blah, blah, blah.
There actually is a lot of space in that reservation, full of trees and meadows and really pretty stuff. I didn’t care.
I’d found a nice, comfy rock and I fell asleep. Asleep on the first day, how lovely. Hey! I never said I had a huge work ethic!
What’s important, and the reason why I’m sitting on this cold metal chair, is that when I woke up, a unicorn was staring me in the face. No kidding. A freaking unicorn.
***hehe...I edited this, so...yeah****
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
You have really good writing style... not to complicated (like you're trying to hard) or to simple. keep it up! Your story is really enjoyable...can't wait to read more!
It was really good. I say you should keep writing this story. It may need more editing, and transition sentences but overall it was good. I'd check a couple of little things here and there with your punctuation. I find putting my work threw a good word program helps me get rid of unneeded punctuation using a punctuation check.
Hey Phantom. I'm going to give you a very detailed, line-by-line, constructive review, as being a writer you are naturally awesome and I only want to help!
Why say "the rain was pouring", when you can detail the sound of the rain on the house, or the look of it through the window, or the thickness it gives to the air, or some other description? What you're doing here is telling, and it tends to bore the reader. Reread what you write and question it's description. What kind of rain was it? There are different types of rain, after all! Drizzles, torrential downpours... and how did it pour? What did it sound like, how did it look? How was it heavy? Answering all these questions in your writing will help you thicken out descriptions so you are showing more and telling less.
Unless important to your theme, it's best to keep controversial words like "retard" out of your writing, as it might alienate or upset some readers. Try "equally silly", or whatever word you feel fits best.
This is a kind of strange paragraph to have dangling in between paragraphs describing her running away and the rain. Perhaps you should place it elsewhere. Also, who told her to making a statement?
Commas, darling. "Of course, I didn't think about the fact that I was going to freeze to death", "But hey, I had my chocolate and bottled water, so I was all good".
Ellipses (...) tend to give writing an amateurish feel. They're simply, for the most part, not necessary. Get rid of the majority of them. The sentence reads even better without them, you'll find.
Commas not necessary. It clogs up the sentence.
This sentence needs to be reconstructed. "Awww." I won't repeat the word that followed, because my parents are standing behind one of those one-sided window things. The gate slid open. I saw a building and, naturally, went into it.
The parenthesis only clog up your sentence, and you have some wrong capitalization in there.
This should end in a question mark, as it is a question.
You narrative is much too scattered and annoying. You never clarified this statement that she has to make, and your use of ellipses makes it even more scattered seeming. The characters thoughts are also all over the place - you need to direct her thoughts, and narrow them down. Right now, they're much too scattered, and even though she's meant to be psycho, you can show this without the annoying, all-over-the-place narration.
What you need to do, initially, I think, is rewrite it without ALL of the ellipses. That in itself will give your story a less scattered feel to it. From there, you need to work on clarification of the events and her thoughts. Me, as a reader, is asking "Why? Why? Why?" and you need to answer this.
I'm sorry if my review is harsh - you've received many good reviews, and I just wanted to point out somethings you need to work on. I only want to help. Keep writing! And feel free to PM me with questions.
~ Clo
Really good I must say, I like how you started and explaining the character train of thought.
It flow very nice, maybe some metaphors and more vocabulary would make this story more
great other than that (which isn't really necessary) I find this story great>)
I didn't quite get this. Are you trying to say that the forest is enclosing the building, and the walls enclosing the forest? Or just the walls enclosing both? I think the first "enclosed" should be omitted.
I had to read this bit a few times to understand it. I thought the brown haired and brown eyed man was the one who had opened the gate. I think i get it now, but I think it could be written in a clearer way.
XD Oooh, I like this! Very original!
(I put the corrected stuff in bold)
GRAMMAR! You spell pour like this "pour" instead of this "pore" I mean come one Risa! You know better. Shame Shame Shame!
Awe you know I'm kiddin, but think about the poor transitions.
I am hyper and Peepiceek has challenged Reepicheep to a duel to see who will go on the Dawn Treader.
Now, why did you put this story on YWS? Don't you like us at writing club? *pouts*
Anyway, you know I love this story, but if you don't write chapter 3 soon, I will have to take Reepicheep hostage until you update.
Halloween! Yay! Oh and I found out that the mystery event at my youth group was an awsome persecution thing where they put you right in the action. Liked they brought in police and fired gunshots and burned books (stupid facists!)
I know I should write a lot of this on a pm but too bad. Oh and you better update on "To Save the World"
Now back to your story: I liked it, of course. Grammar needed work and I really think you should have smoother transistions. It sounds really choppy. I know it is the forced rantings of a teenage "lunatic" but seriously. And You Call Yourself An Editor!
Gotta Go look at your other stuff. Bye! *laughs idioticaly* Idiot- greek for nonvoter. GO NON-VOTERS!
Wow... just... wow.
Haha, this is good, as always...
=P
But as other people had said before me, grammer errors and transitions to other paragraphs need to change.
But...
VERY GOOD.
Keep up the good work, and...
KEEP ON WRITING!
And if you don't... I'll... I'll... I'll tell Kairii!
=P
-Basket-
This is really good. I love how she's like a normal girl instead of some mystical, enchanted, god-mod character. She's so easy to relate to and find yourself loving. You did a really good job with that.
I love the last line of this chapter. It had me rolling with laughter. I really don't think that there's a better way you could have ended it off.
Be sure to watch your transitions. Some of them seem a bit too choppy or just aren't really there. And you have a few grammatical problems, but other than that, it was good.
not bad. i am a little confused as to why she ran away in the first place, but i am sure it will eventually getr to that so keep up te great work
I like this story, there are a couple mistakes with grammar use such as...
It should be ran instead of run, but other than that its a pretty good story.
lol very well done, keep going I like ur story!
XD I like it. There are just a few things that stand out.
Just use some description, i.e, "Oh Thank you so much mister! I gushed. Really laying it on there." etc. 
Hm. I think you can be a bit more descriptive. That's about it. 
:D:D:D:D:D Keep writing. I'm curious of what happens now. 
***Anyway, I went to the front door or should I say gate? There was a button…I’m fifteen years old…so I pushed it. ***
There's no transition between this and the previous paragraph.
***(insert word of your choice) ***
This makes your writing sound informal, and a bit too script/movie like.
*** (I will not repeat this word because my parents are standing behind one of those one sided window things)***
This is confusing. Also, at this point, her parents are pretty much irrelevant.
***“Thank you sooooooooo much mister.”***
Only one 'o' is needed.
Okay, it's making more sense now that I reread it.
*Seraph*