Hey there!
Birds flew out of the trees, disturbed by the world below.
I don't like this as an opening sentence, to be honest. What exactly disturbed them in the world below? Elaborate, please.
A low cursing echoed throughout the forest.
Can one curse echo through the whole forest? *raises eyebrows*
The thick green leaves blocked most of the bright sunlight, which made the only plant-life in the forest tall trees and sturdy foliage.
This sentence is purple/adjective-heavy. I would suggest cutting out some of the unnecessary adjectives -- do we need to know that the foliage is sturdy, that the sunlight is bright? You would only need to describe teh sunlight if it was dim, because usually, people imagine sunlight as being bright.
A man came into view, a sword posed for action with a chestnut steed, held by its reins, prancing nervously behind him.
Hm... I don't like this sentence. Maybe you should try something like this: A man came into view, his sword poised for action in his hand. A chestnut steed held by it's reins pranced nervously behind him.
A squirrel chattered angrily to its mate, and the man’s eyes sparkled until he heard the faint sound of footsteps behind him. In an instant, the man turned around, his thick brown hair twisting slightly.
Comma after 'sparkled'.
Also, how can his hair twist? It's unnecessary -- cut it out.
In front of him stood a strong looking woman that was clad in black leather armor and holding a long sword. Her black hair was behind her, waving slightly in the wind like the crimson cloak behind her, revealing ears pointed like that of the elves.
Urgh. First impressions are very important, you know. And what I get so far from this woman is that she is flawless: she is strong, armed, and basically, nothing is wrong with her. Snoink wrote a very good article about characters and first impressions -- here's the link.
Also, elves are clichéd. Just thought I'd let you know.
“Why have you entered Avian Forest knight of King Kev.” Her strong voice echoed throughout the wood.
How big is this forest? It must be very small for their voices to echo through the whole thing.
Also, replace the comma after 'Kev' with a question mark. And there needs to be a comma after 'Forest'.
Thirdly, the adjective 'strong' doesn't work. 'Strong' does not make me hear a very distinct voice in my head. Why not try 'stern' or 'hard' instead?
“I’m just passing through, good woman.” He said, glancing at her sword with a nervous eye.
Period after 'woman' = comma.
In truth, he had no wish to pass through the dark forest, but his captain and father recognized wood-smart in him. It was said that creatures with bat wings roam here. And they kill those loyal to the king.
I'm interested with these creatures, the ones with bat wings. You should elaborate more on it.
“What direction are you and your noble steed headed?” The woman eyes his horse with interest.
Since you're writing in past tense, 'eyes' should be 'eyed'.
Long swords were held defensively in front of brown leather armor, their dark green eyes watched every move he made.
Replace the comma with a semicolon.
“I had this handled.” He heard her hiss at them, her green eyes seemed to take on a red tint.
Put a comma after 'them' and start a new sentence after.
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And that's where I stopped reading. -_-
I was bored. No offense, but I don't like this. Shall I explain why?
First of all, it's very clichéd. I have read a lot of other amateur fantasies where a lone traveler, sent by his King, goes into the woods, blah blah blah. It's not a very interesting or original way to start a story, to be frank with you.
Here are some links that might help you:
- Mary-Sue Litmus Test
- Tips
- Top 8 rules for writing fantasy by Melissa Kelly
- More writing tips
Secondly, your characters are boring. They're perfect so far -- strong, wearing leather (of course) and awe-inspiring. Apparently, anyways. I'm not inspired by them at all, personally. Here are some links for character help:
- Character Developement Usergroup
In that group, you'll find plenty of character-building activities and whatnot. Why don't you join?
Anyways. This needs more substance. A lot more. Who is this man, and why should we care about him? This is basically a carbon copy of clichéd, amateur fantasy fic posted everywhere. It's nothing new.
Well, I have to go now. >.< I hope I didn't sound too harsh, and if I did, know that I mean well. I honestly don't think you can salvage this, but your actual prose isn't half bad. Just try something more original, mkay?
Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions/comments about my critique!
- Camille
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
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