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Young Writers Society



Shadow Wing

by phantom_blackfire_wings


Prologue----part one(for your convenience)

Birds flew out of the trees, disturbed by the world below. A low cursing echoed throughout the forest. The thick green leaves blocked most of the bright sunlight, which made the only plant-life in the forest tall trees and sturdy foliage. A man came into view, a sword posed for action with a chestnut steed, held by its reins, prancing nervously behind him. A squirrel chattered angrily to its mate, and the man’s eyes sparkled until he heard the faint sound of footsteps behind him. In an instant, the man turned around, his thick brown hair twisting slightly.

In front of him stood a strong looking woman that was clad in black leather armor and holding a long sword. Her black hair was behind her, waving slightly in the wind like the crimson cloak behind her, revealing ears pointed like that of the elves.

“Why have you entered Avian Forest knight of King Kev.” Her strong voice echoed throughout the wood. He recoiled slightly at the woman knowing from whom he was sent, and then remembered the insignia on his dark green cloak.

“I’m just passing through, good woman.” He said, glancing at her sword with a nervous eye. In truth, he had no wish to pass through the dark forest, but his captain and father recognized wood-smart in him. It was said that creatures with bat wings roam here. And they kill those loyal to the king.

“What direction are you and your noble steed headed?” The woman eyes his horse with interest.

“Who wants to know my king’s bidding?” It was the proper way soldiers were to respond to any questions.

“The Guardians of Ava.” She was about to speak again, but was interrupted by the flash of two men leaping into the clearing to land beside her.

The soldier examined the two figures carefully. Their hair was fair, a silvery-yellow that reflected the sunlight. Long swords were held defensively in front of brown leather armor, their dark green eyes watched every move he made. Behind their hair were the same pointed ears of the elves.

He was troubled at this, remembering that his lessons had always taught him that the eyes of elves were blue.

“I had this handled.” He heard her hiss at them, her green eyes seemed to take on a red tint. She breathed slowly, and then looked at into his eyes.

“For goodness sake, do I have to ask again? These guys mean business.” Her eyes glinted playfully, “Why in the name of Ava is an armed knight entering this forest.”

“Exploration.” Keep your answers short and simple, they’d told him.

“If you value your life, I suggest you tell me what purpose your king has in this forest.” Then knight remained silent, and then started to back up towards his horse.

“Am I supposed to know my king’s bidding?” As swiftly as possible, he lunged for the reins and mounted. When he did so, his sword fell from his hand to the forest floor. The reigns were firmly grasped in one hand while the other unsheathed a long knife.

“That wan’t one of the options.” The laughed like a child playing a game as more fair-haired soldiers jumped down from trees, surrounding him. They all held long-bows aimed at him.

The horse started to go mad with fright and the woman strode forward slowly. She looked at the and spoke softly to it. “Shh, brave stallion. I don’t want to hurt you.” Her voice crooned soothingly like a mother to a wailing child. When she drew close, her sword was up to his exposed neck before he knew what had happened.

“Whoa— “he stammered, then silenced himself.

“Dismount. I’m not in the mood for killing.” She lowered her sword. “Reigns.” When he heard the crack of a bending bow, he obliged. And watched helplessly as the horse was led away.

Speaking again, she turned her head towards him, “I don’t really wish to kill you. One of these men will lead you out. And if you are found here again, you will be killed on sight.” She mounted and trotted away.

The knight noticed that all but two of the forest elves had disappeared without notice. A silent anger filled his heart as the soldiers led him away. Dread filled his heart as he realized that his father, the king, would be sorely disappointed with him.

The woman laughed again and urged the steed forward, her eyes a sparkling tawny yellow.

“Ari, Ari, Ari. You should’t have let him live.” She halted the horse and looked behind to see a Blondie male in a dark cloak. He was holding a long bundle.

“Oh shush Ba now, he thought we were mutant elves.” Canary smiled at him.

“And what was he, Canary?” He asked, eying her playfully.

She rolled her eyes and answered, “A stupid knight exploring our forest.”

“The prince of Aqua.” Ba now corrected, watching her expression. She looked unsurprised, but answered differently.

“I let one of the idiotic princes leave this forest unscathed?” Her eyes were suddenly a dark red. Inside, she was seething. How could I have been so stupid? My brother is going to kill me!

“Yes.”

Canary watched Ba now as he smiled wryly and revealed what was in the bundle, the prince’s sword. The hilt had Aqua rune’s written on it. With her experienced eyes, she noticed the runes spelled out the words of the Aqua’s first, infamous, king: death or victory. She sneered, remembering the bloodshed of her ancestors after the long battle. The historians of Aqua had forgotten them, or deemed them unimportant in their histories.

“Are you going to present that to the king?” She asked the captain.

“No, you are.” Her eyebrows rose curiously, “I don’t want to see your brother’s face when you tell him how you came to get the sword of the prince without his body”

She sighed at the upbringing of her heritage. Canary was princess to their throne, and her older brother king. Her brother, Val ten, and she had always fought. His argument was that she should take part in the royal counsel; her side of the argument was that she should be disowned as a princess. Canary hated being royalty, having everyone serve her. Even worse, not being able to do what she wanted. In the end, the king and his sister just started ignoring what the other did.

“No, I refuse to. He might not let me keep my freedom.” She argued, but the captain was one of those people who had the authority to deny her wishes and he held out the sword. Canary sighed, but took the sword from her captain. “You know I really don’t like you Ba now?” She glared at him. He laughed and ruffled her long, black hair.

“I know, young one.” He grinned. The captain had been a good friend of her father’s, and had been like a father to her ever since he’d been killed in a battle. Ba now had been her only friend for years as she trained in secret, since her mother had disappeared a few years after she was born and her brother had disproved the thought of her fighting. She, of course, won that argument.

“If you Warren’t my captain…” Canary growled. Ba now continued laughing. The princess sighed and saluted a goodbye by putting her right hand into a fist and placing it by her right ear. The captain saluted back and nodded. She pressed her muscled calves into the chestnut’s side. The war horse started off at a fast trot, his forelegs high in his pride. Canary smiled and leaned into his mane. With a slight kick with her heels, he bolted into a gallop.

Just as she’d predicted, he was fast. Canary could feel the muscles easily move the giant animal. She slowed him and he stopped unwillingly.

Canary dismounted and took a step towards his head. She took hold of the bridle and pulled it towards her face. “I shall name you Jading.” Then she whistled, two notes high, three low, and one high again. A young scout, Parka, appeared from the trees, his eyes sparkling when he saw who had called him and the steed she held.

“Princess.” He said, saluting her. She saluted back and grinned at his sparkling golden eyes.

“Will you please take care of this horse, my brother has called for me.” She looked at him pitifully. The young soldier put on an obviously fake grimace, but nodded. He sighed in sighed in delight softly.

“I can’t trust him with anyone else.” Canary watched as Parka’s chest puffed up in pride.

“Of course Ma’am, I’ll take care of him.”

“Thank you Parka.” She saluted him and smiled. Parka was an old friend of hers, and he had spoken of his love for them.

“What’s his name Canary?” He was one of the few that called her by her first name, and she liked him because he respected her wishes to not be referred to as royalty.

“Jading. His speed is astounding.” She said and watched as he mounted the stallion, then gently and almost invisibly pressing his calves into Jading’s side. They quickly disappeared as they went deeper into the forest. Canary then, quickly, took off her red cloak and rolled it into a small ball. There was a small leather pack attached to her belt and she opened it and placed the rolled up cloak in it. She smiled and unfurled two fifteen foot, black wings.


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602 Reviews


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Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:32 am
Wolf wrote a review...



Hey there! :D

Birds flew out of the trees, disturbed by the world below.


I don't like this as an opening sentence, to be honest. What exactly disturbed them in the world below? Elaborate, please.

A low cursing echoed throughout the forest.


Can one curse echo through the whole forest? *raises eyebrows*

The thick green leaves blocked most of the bright sunlight, which made the only plant-life in the forest tall trees and sturdy foliage.


This sentence is purple/adjective-heavy. I would suggest cutting out some of the unnecessary adjectives -- do we need to know that the foliage is sturdy, that the sunlight is bright? You would only need to describe teh sunlight if it was dim, because usually, people imagine sunlight as being bright. :wink:

A man came into view, a sword posed for action with a chestnut steed, held by its reins, prancing nervously behind him.


Hm... I don't like this sentence. Maybe you should try something like this: A man came into view, his sword poised for action in his hand. A chestnut steed held by it's reins pranced nervously behind him.

A squirrel chattered angrily to its mate, and the man’s eyes sparkled until he heard the faint sound of footsteps behind him. In an instant, the man turned around, his thick brown hair twisting slightly.


Comma after 'sparkled'.
Also, how can his hair twist? It's unnecessary -- cut it out.

In front of him stood a strong looking woman that was clad in black leather armor and holding a long sword. Her black hair was behind her, waving slightly in the wind like the crimson cloak behind her, revealing ears pointed like that of the elves.


Urgh. First impressions are very important, you know. And what I get so far from this woman is that she is flawless: she is strong, armed, and basically, nothing is wrong with her. Snoink wrote a very good article about characters and first impressions -- here's the link.

Also, elves are clichéd. Just thought I'd let you know. :P

“Why have you entered Avian Forest knight of King Kev.” Her strong voice echoed throughout the wood.


How big is this forest? It must be very small for their voices to echo through the whole thing. :wink:
Also, replace the comma after 'Kev' with a question mark. And there needs to be a comma after 'Forest'.

Thirdly, the adjective 'strong' doesn't work. 'Strong' does not make me hear a very distinct voice in my head. Why not try 'stern' or 'hard' instead?

“I’m just passing through, good woman.” He said, glancing at her sword with a nervous eye.


Period after 'woman' = comma.

In truth, he had no wish to pass through the dark forest, but his captain and father recognized wood-smart in him. It was said that creatures with bat wings roam here. And they kill those loyal to the king.


I'm interested with these creatures, the ones with bat wings. You should elaborate more on it. :)

“What direction are you and your noble steed headed?” The woman eyes his horse with interest.


Since you're writing in past tense, 'eyes' should be 'eyed'.

Long swords were held defensively in front of brown leather armor, their dark green eyes watched every move he made.


Replace the comma with a semicolon.

“I had this handled.” He heard her hiss at them, her green eyes seemed to take on a red tint.


Put a comma after 'them' and start a new sentence after.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that's where I stopped reading. -_-

I was bored. No offense, but I don't like this. Shall I explain why?

First of all, it's very clichéd. I have read a lot of other amateur fantasies where a lone traveler, sent by his King, goes into the woods, blah blah blah. It's not a very interesting or original way to start a story, to be frank with you.
Here are some links that might help you:
- Mary-Sue Litmus Test
- Tips
- Top 8 rules for writing fantasy by Melissa Kelly
- More writing tips

Secondly, your characters are boring. They're perfect so far -- strong, wearing leather (of course) and awe-inspiring. Apparently, anyways. I'm not inspired by them at all, personally. Here are some links for character help:
- Character Developement Usergroup
In that group, you'll find plenty of character-building activities and whatnot. Why don't you join?

Anyways. This needs more substance. A lot more. Who is this man, and why should we care about him? This is basically a carbon copy of clichéd, amateur fantasy fic posted everywhere. It's nothing new.

Well, I have to go now. >.< I hope I didn't sound too harsh, and if I did, know that I mean well. I honestly don't think you can salvage this, but your actual prose isn't half bad. Just try something more original, mkay? :wink:

Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions/comments about my critique!

- Camille




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Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:05 pm
Aedomir wrote a review...



First submission? Don't worry, we're nice here! :-D

'Birds flew out of the trees unexpectedly.'

If you want to make it sound strange, I am not convinced this is the best way about it. The last word seems like an excuse to skip something. How about, 'The birds shot from the trees, something had cleary disturbed them' or something like that, eh?

'which made the only [s]plant life[/s] plantlife in the forest tall trees'

One word ^_^

'revealing ears pointed like that of the elves.'

Ever since I saw sense about my elves, I realoised that they were too cliche, too overdone. Try another racte to make it more intersting.


Overall, I liked this. It has potential and I really like your descriptions. You are taltented and I really liked this!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~




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