z

Young Writers Society



Beyond

by phantom_blackfire_wings


I had absolutely no idea where to put this so...yeah.

Now that I got that out of the way...

I had two interpretations of this song, I'll put both here.

Enjoy:

Beyond

Version 1:

The smell of saltwater washed over the woman, almost overwhelming her. Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks as she remembered the billowing sails fading into the horizon. It had been months since he had left her. Her dress floated in the sea breeze as she walked closer to the water. She stood still again, her hands clasped as if in prayer on her chest, her chin resting lightly on them.

Wave upon wave brushed over her bare feet, wetting the hem of her skirt. The sea echoed the sky’s bright blue color in every place but the horizon, where it was turning every color of red, orange and yellow as the sun sunk into the water.

As the sky faded into complete and utter darkness, the hope fell from her eyes. Yet, she still stood there; shivering in the cold air of the night. Then, one by one, the stars revealed their light to her and she remained; waiting.

As she stood on the star-lite shore, she dreamt of the place beyond the sea; when she would meet him. She imagined herself stepping on a golden beach and looking around desperately for him, then seeing a figure running up the beach, kicking the sand up as he did. She would then run to him, tears streaming down her face. Just when they would reach each other, she would trip and fall into his outstretched arms. They would kiss. He would tell her that he was always watching for her, that they would never sail again.

The vision faded as a call came from the house, and the woman took her half-numb feet out of the water and stepped away from the sea. She picked up her skirt and ran to the grass and then to the warmth of a small cottage. Before she entered the doorway, the heat of the fire pulling her in, she stopped and turned towards the timeless sound of the waves beating upon the sand. She sighed and wiped the tears forming in her eyes and stepped into the house.

Version 2:

A woman stood on deck, looking onto endless waters. The silver light of the moon was reflected on the sea, then tore apart by the ships movement, falling then back into place as the ship moved on. She tore her eyes away from the sea to look at the sky. Although the moon’s light shone bright, the stars equaled this. She looked serene and peaceful, a picture out of a fairy tale as the wind whipped her dress behind her.

She stood still, her chin depicting a royal pride. If not for her round ears, one may think her an elf.

Tears dripped from her face, betraying her true feelings. She heard soft footsteps behind her and she brushed the tears onto her sleeve.

“It’s almost midnight ma’am. We‘re ready.”

“Thank you Captain.” She nodded her head and looked out to the sea again, her right hand clasping something in her black skirt. A piece of metal gleamed in the moonlight and she pushed her hand deep into her skirt.

The heavy footsteps behind her told her that it was time. A sad song, played by a low whistle, carried over the sea and echoed her remorse. She put a look of resolve on her face and turned around.

Four men were carrying a simple wooden casket with small holes drilled into the sides so it would sink. The sweet smell of orchids overwhelmed her; they’d been his favorite flower and were surrounding his body inside of the casket.

She watched as the casket was slowly brought to the starboard side, every face was solemn as they set it on a table and stepped back. A preacher came from the captain’s quarters with a black leather bible in his pale hands. He began to speak, but no sound but the slapping of water against the wood of the ship found way to her ears. Her eyes were on the casket, her mind on the orchids; on the man with whom they lay.

Tears rolled soundlessly down her cheeks as she gazed at the simple wooden box, proceeding to be caught in the deep black of her dress.

The men once again picked up the casket. They laid it on the rail, waiting for her signal to push it into the sea.

“Wait…put it back.“ She walked forward and put a hand on the coffer, brushing it tenderly.

“One last time…” she whispered, and she revealed her precious cargo: a knife. The men instinctively drew back, eying the knife.

She ignored this and jammed the knife under a nail, breathlessly working to the nail out of the wood. It, eventually, fell out and onto the ship’s deck with a resound clink. One by one she worked to get the nails out, and one by one, they fell to the ship’s deck.

At last, the fianl nail plunged to the deck. She tore off the top and closed her eyes to the tears that had formed in her eyes. Forcing sobs down, stood enclosed in the scent of orchids and death.

With a few calming breaths, she opened her eyes and looked upon her former lover. She put the knife beside the casket and cupped her gloved hand on his gray cheek. Her tears spilled onto his suit and the orchids.

“I love you, my darling.” She drew herself up and took the knife, nodding to the crew. Their noses wrinkled as they smelled the death, but they did not utter a complaint.

They set the casket on the railing, looking once again to her. She stepped towards the rail, her eyes always on the open casket. With a unexpected agility, she leaped onto the railing and held onto a rope. The captain looked alarmed, “Miss!”

“Please, Captain, I’m quite alright.” the gray haired man looked doubtful, but allowed her to stay.

Her hand always on the rope, she moved closer to the casket. She was able to move next to it and she put her hand on the edge of the box. With her left hand, she brushed his dead skin once more.

She leaned towards the casket, then suddenly let herself fall into it; her weight carrying it into the sea. The knife plunged into her chest, and she was aware only of the smell of rust and orchids.


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Wed Apr 09, 2008 4:25 pm
Alainna wrote a review...



Hi there. Well, both versions were written beautifully - you have a good way of capturing the feel and emotions of the moment and transporting the reader there.

I preferred the first version as I felt the woman's emotions more; even though in that version she didn't die. I also liked the imagery more in the first version.

Ok, some tiny little things:

In her star-reflected eyes, she dreamt of the place beyond the sea; when she would meet him.

This sentence just isn't right. It doesn't make sense to put three separate ideas like these together into one sentence. The first part before the semi-colon doesn't make sense as it makes it seem like she's dreaming through her eyes. Consider re-phrasing?

And they would kiss.

Scrap the 'And'. It's more dramatic without it.

She looked serene and peaceful, a picture out of a fairy tale as the wind whipped her dress behind her

Elaborate on this. It's a good idea. For example, describe her as a Princess or Elf or something.

on the man on whom they lay.

Perhaps change the second 'on' to 'with'. It's just softer.

At last, the last nail plunged to the deck.

Repetition here doesn't really work. Try something like :
At last, the final nail plunged to the deck.

sent of orchids and death.

*Sent should be scent.

onto a rope.. The captain looked alarmed, “Miss!”

Should that be ellipses or just a full stop?

She was able to move next to it and she put her hand on it.

Odd sentence. Too many 'its' and it's confusing. Consider re-phrasing?

Overall, I really enjoyed both pieces and would be happy to read more of your work.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxx

[s]P.S. What song inspired this?[/s]

EDIT: Just saw the topic description.





According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
— The Bee Movie