​patriarchal postmortem

Hi, phantasm!

I just stumbled across this in the Green Room -- I thought I'd maybe read it earlier in the week, but oh my goodness I must not have because your poem really stuck with me! <3

i’m dissecting the reasons why geography has
separated us and turn up with hands empty, upwards
to the sky that sees us both as bones and nothing
more.

I love the way this flows along using body language -- you fluidly transition from "dissecting the reason" to "hands empty" (instead of saying finding nothing), which points us to the sky "that sees us both as bones and nothing / more." Like Holy Hannah, you packed a lot into so little space! And that's true for this whole poem. <3

I love the bleak portrait painted by being seen as bones. And "a family of / memories i call ghosts" -- So good!!! It fits so well with bones, too.

And in the context of what we learn later in the poem, the word "family" becomes really significant, too. It's as if the narrator has replaced their family member(s) with only memories. I wonder if they're memories related to family? They don't seem related to the father because the next line distinguishes them.

One question I have about the language is here,

i am hoping someday they’ll
stop haunting me like the way you have.

Not sure if that means "you" has stopped haunting the narrator, or is still haunting the narrator? I think it's stopped in the context, but it sort of reads either way to me.

Your last two stanzas are heartbreaking. It's such a common dad-phrase to say "don't grow up so fast," and then you turn it on its head by talking about growing apart.

I think at first, my brain skipped over the "vacant" part of your last two lines, and I thought this was a graveside poem -- well, it is! But super interesting to have that imagery of bones, ghosts, and graves, even the whole title of "patriarchal postmortem" (which already makes us think about dead fathers) when in fact, the father the narrator is speaking to is not dead.

I think it's a really clever way of sort of literalizing the relationship, of maybe having cut a family member off, or even just being "separated" by "geography," by using actual imagery associated with death. You painted such a stark picture; from the watching sky to the empty hands to the vacant grave, I just get a feeling of lingering emptiness.

I'm just really impressed that you did so much with so little space, and love how the whole poem is thematically connected and so intricate. <3 Thank you for sharing!

-Q

Hai :3

This is so good!! I love how raw and layered it feels!! The use of geography as a metaphor to reflect the emotional distance hits hard, like, you're showing how even physical space can’t hold back this aching feeling of loss and separation. It speaks so much to helplessness and the inability to change things beyond control ~~ Especially something as big as loss, and how it changes someone on not only a surface level, but a fundamental part of their soul. That's so heavy to write about!! It must be hard, but the end result is a beautiful poem. I guess it's worth it in some way!!

Also, the ghost imagery, I'm loving it!! You’ve captured this lingering weight of memories so beautifully, like they’re alive and still clinging to the narrator, but in a haunting way. It feels like this unresolved, painful longing that’s just hanging there. It's so neat to see how it connects to the loss of the father, whether metaphorical or literal. It's only human to miss someone who used to be in your life, and I feel that very strongly here. It shows such a deep, aching realization: how time just slips by and suddenly everything’s changed. That’s a punch straight to the gut!!

in your absence, i have collected a family of
memories i call ghosts.

!!! This is such a unique idea, I love it!!

I wish you leaned into that haunted imagery a bit more though ~~ Like, what do these ghosts do to the narrator? Are they watching, lurking, whispering? They are the main focus of the poem, but they have no agency in it. I feel that way about the mourning at a vacant grave as well, since it has a lot of emotional connection to the poem, but it has no real presence to me. It just takes up space. You have such a strong poem here, but I wish you focused more on the ghosts!!

^^^ I feel the same about the relationship with the father; it's the entire poem's theme, yet I only feel it in passing. The "growing apart" idea is great, but the father-daughter relationship doesn't hold its weight. I could interpret this as being about multiple kinds of loves, both platonic or romantic, and the parental-child love isn't high on the list. That could definitely be intentional to prove a point about separation (which is like the entire poem !!!), but I don't personally see it working. There is just something missing somewhere, like a hole in the seams, like something is off.

i mourn at a vacant grave and beg to belong
somewhere, since it can't be with you.

Again, stunning line!! It leaves you with this hollow feeling like you're mourning someone who’s still alive but out of reach. That's so bitter!! You’ve nailed this sense of loss and isolation, and it is so eerie and atmospheric!!

- Payton