Young Writers Society

Hi there figmoon! I have a quick review for you! (disregard how disorganized this is, just a few thoughts of mine as I read)

"i started moving on before I learned to walk"
CHILLS! That line is an amazing start that sets a clear scene for readers. It also provides insight into how the 'journey' of this poem began and is quite easy to build on; awesome job!

In addition, throughout the entire poem you utilize beautiful imagery which paints an amazing picture, especially in the line: "carve myself into a hollow sculpture"!

I wondered why you structured your lines the way they are? Is there a specific way you chose when to go to the next line, because I do not see any clear pattern?

Moving on, I absolutely ADORED the way you symbolized brokenness and healing throughout this poem, specifically in the line: "i do not know how to heal properly, only to be minimized to broken bones and beg for a revival"

Your ending was also beautiful, painting an amazing picture of how you will deal with this; enacting your own personal resolution, even if it may not be the best of options. Your last sentence also seems to wrap up the loose ends and serves as a chilling, yet sorrowful ending.

Overall, this poem was absolutely beautiful and gave me soooo many feels. Have a nice day and keep writing! <3

Hi figmoon! Rida here with a quick review <33
I’m just jotting down some random thoughts, so I’m sorry if it’s a little unorganised ~


-> I really liked how the poem started off with -

“ i started moving on before i learned to walk. my /
mind escaped reality but my body rooted itself down.”

Because I feel like this clarifies the central emotion in the poem and then allows you to build and add onto that. Basically- these lines provided a really strong base to start off the poem, which isn’t something I usually notice but your starting lines were so good they immediately drew me into the piece!

-> The next lines had some beautiful imagery, but I got a little confused at

“…broken bones and beg for a revival”

Because I’m a bit unsure of what ‘revival’ means here- does it symbolise healing? A new beginning? Or does it have a darker, sinister theme to it?
This line has a lot of potential to shift the mood of the poem- light or sinister- if you clarify or add details to hint at the theme. Right now, ‘revival’ doesn’t really hint at a specific theme which might possibly make the reader a little confused.

-> I don’t think I’ve ever loved a line more than I’ve loved these lines in your poem:

“ i do not know how to
fix something that has never worked, only to make
myself empty, carve myself into a hollow sculpture.
watch me, judge me, but do not touch me. i am fragile, frigid,
fractured.”

This line immediately makes me actually think of broken sculptures and I suppose it’s because of the strong imagery and wording of the poem. I think your choice of using ‘do not’ instead of ‘don’t’ worked really well here!!
And then your sudden use of alliteration (‘..fragile, frigid, fractured..’) which is done so blatantly and comes off so strongly just adds to the line even more!!


-> ok so I love the ending lines but these specific line felt a little out of place to me-

“ my mind, become like a ghost: easily erasable, but always
haunting.”

Maybe because of the use of simile? Like- the comparison and theme of ‘ghosts’ is so strong in the poem but using ‘like’ might downplay it just a little? Idk, maybe if you switch it to a metaphor like ‘become a ghost’ it would make the comparison more direct and dramatic and put that emphasis in the line?


-> Overall- I loved this poem so much because it’s imagery was so beautiful and efficient in creating a ‘mood’ or ‘atmosphere’- one of my favourite things about a poem that I feel plays a major part in how the emotions and messages are being put across! Thank you so much for sharing this poem! I hope to read more of your work soon!<333333

-Rida

hey figmoon! looseleaf here with a quick review.

i really liked this poem! your theme and overall message are pretty good; they kind of spoke to me (y'know? lol). i love how you didn't capitalize anything and have a lot of periods/sentence breaks, they helped the theme and tone of your poem!

your opening line is incredible--i honestly couldn't think of anything better. it is a great metaphor that sets the stage for the rest of the poem. same with the next sentence!

my mind escaped reality but my body rooted itself down.

call me a damsel drowning in distress. call me a
nightmare of my own invention.

watch me, judge me, but do not touch me. i am fragile, frigid,
fractured.

i am a question etched into the night, timid
for an answer on my own undoing

become like a ghost: easily erasable, but always
haunting.

hey there figmoon!

your poetry is so lovely to read, so i figured i'd leave a review ~

i started moving on before i learned to walk.

my mind escaped reality but my body rooted itself down.

by this i mean i do not know how to heal properly,
only to be minimized to broken bones and beg for a revival.

call me a damsel drowning in distress.

i do not know how to
fix something that has never worked

i cannot justify
my existence because i'm not sure i exist outside of myself.

become like a ghost: easily erasable, but always haunting.