Why?
Wake up in an unknown place
How did I end up here?
I went to sleep in safety
And now I'm gone I fear.
Look all around for something
To get me to the place
Where my mind was protected
Shrouded from your face
Now there are no walls
No protection from you for me
I can’t believe I've worked so hard
And nothing came to be
My wide eyes are raining
With tears of treachery
My soul is emits a cloud
Of unabated fury
You couldn’t leave me alone
You wouldn’t let me be
So I went away from you
So that you wouldn’t see
And so now you haunt me
A shadow in my heart
My being stills in fear
Of the day we forever part
You come closer now
I stand stock-still and shake
Your cold embrace surrounds me
My mind just will not wake
Alone now forever I fear
You turn to me and smile
I cannot leave you now
He says and disappears
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you guys for your feedback. It is much appreciated because I am a beginner poet and am trying to learn the art. I'll try not to rhyme and will post another poem that doesnt. Its actually about a girl who's lover died and keeps haunting her dreams. He was abusive though, so she also fears and hates him but is afraid to let go. It was kind of hard to put into words because its not something I've experiences. Thank you guys for looking at it though and I will keep your suggestions in mind as I keep writing!
ashlyn
Hey there! I'm here for your review :]
I would first like to comment on your use of rhyming. Cut it out. Yup. Stop it! Rhyming ultimately hinders you from getting whatever it is you want to say out of your mouth and onto the page exactly the way you want to say it. I'm only going to guess based on this poem (so I may be sorely wrong) but for a beginning poet I would advise waiting to use rhyming. It takes work. Even I suck at rhyming and I've been at this for three years now. Instead, allow yourself to write free style so that, as I said, you can say exactly what you mean.
Second, my biggest thought is that I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, what's up with the speaker, or who she is talking to. It's not concrete enough. I can't tell what their relationship is. I feel like it's a metaphor, the speaker is trying to get away from someone, but I can't tell why. Perhaps you should try to redraft this poem and figure out exactly what you want to say, exactly what emotion you want to get across, and make it stronger.
Ooor I don't understand it because I've been reviewing for the past hour and a half and I'm a little brain dead. This is slightly possible. But I do think you need to make it more apparent what is going on. Let your reader into the narrator's head and SHOW us what is going on with her/him. Don't just tell us.
Best of luck!
I love the message and story it tells, but your rhythm is off. Try reading it aloud and see where you've got too many syllables. Some of the words you used seem forced into the rhyme and don't fit fluently into the rhyming scheme how they're supposed too. Again though, the message is good, or the feeling, just the rhyming and rhythm that need a bit of tweaking.
:Jeanette: