Untitled

wow. I didnt expect to get such a response for something that took me a few minutes to write... im flattered:). Thanks for all your help!

ashlyn

Hey personalinsanity!

I quite enjoyed this poem. I have to agree with kingolions that the idea you bring forward isn't one a lot people would like but I do. It was something new I have never read before. Quick question: is there a reason as to why this poem remains untitled or is that the actual name? With a few changes here there, this could be a real winner. NOTE: one part I think you should change for the better of making it sound more flowing is:

I want to write a poem here
But I can’t think of what to say
So I will go read a brand new book
And maybe return another day.

Haha, this is a cute poem.

I want to write a poem here <-- I don't like the word "here" here... plus it's a bit repetitious!
But I can’t think of what to say
So I’ll sit here and look at you
In an exasperated way.

No words have revealed themselves as of yet
And I am getting pretty down
Because the last time I sat here to write
I just went to town. <-- maybe "my brain just went..." instead of "I"

All the words evade me
Hiding underneath my pulsing brain <-- Underneath doesn't seem right here
As if they were taking shelter
From the downpour they call rain. <-- this line just is stupid... try another rhyme!

I want to write a poem here <-- here is okay here!
But I can’t think of what to say
So I will go read a brand new book <-- the "go" trips this line up
And maybe return another day. <-- the "and" kind of trips this line up

Hope that helps!

TITLE. Where is the title? Give everything you write a title. Even "Angry Angst" looks better than "Untitled". But anyway.

Okay, now, I know this wasn't intended as a serious poem, but nonetheless, I still think there are some techniques that need a little discussing.

Repetition. Ask yourself, if you were to hear the same sentence over and over again would it really mean anything to you at all? Sure, the reference back to the start with "I want to write.../...what to say" would be much more effective if it didn't just re-emphasise the entire point of the poem. In doing so, it feels pointless and irritating.

Forced rhymes. Be careful whenever you try to rhyme in poetry - remember, poetry really and truly doesn't need to rhyme. Unless it really fits in with the content that you're expressing and reflects the purpose (rhyming here makes does help tie together the ongoing dilemma, in my opinion) but if you just look at the poem, you will see that where you have rhyming couplets, the lines are awkward lengths with no real pattern. That's a strong indicator that you're forcing it. Is there not a more economical way, and indeed a better rhyme, to express stanza two? If you ask me, there is.

Poems like this are great for playing with techniques without worrying about too much imagery. Just have a look at what I've suggested, first.

Hope I've helped!
-Mark

*chuckles* Thanks guys! It took me about 3.34 minutes to write. I just wanted to post it on a whim.I appreciate you taking the time to review it though, and will take into consideration your comments in my future endeavors.

Ashlyn

Hey. I really like the idea of the poem. I know others may not, but I do. there isn't much crtisism I have for this piece, except that I don't think that it flows properly in some section. If it was a little smoother and was flowinging a bit better, it would bring the poem to a higher level. But it is a good effort as it is.

errrm well it's okay, i have read worse.

You have tried to hard with this poem, and if this is what you were trying to write, you should have called it something like writers block. It's nothing new.

But you have the write concept for a poem, it flows well, and has an okay-ish rhythm.

I would try writing something different though

~Retro Disco666