This is the first poem I ever wrote. It is called The Gaping Hole
My life is crashing down around me
Fragments of what I once knew piled at my feet
Unrecognizable
Looking up, a great gaping hole
Only visible to me
I feel there is nothing left to do
So I sit
Sit and cry and scream at that hole way up high
More fragments crash down
Disturbed by the noise
Falling into my open mouth
Opening the hole even more
While my screams are cut off
More fragments coming down in a frenzy
Immobilizing me beneath them
Unable to move or make a sound, I sit
Sit and wait
Wait until someone notices that everything isn’t all right
Everything isn’t whole and good as it appears to be
Who will be my savior?
Who will save me from this mess I am engulfed in?
Who will be the one to put back together the pieces?
The pieces that belong inside
The gaping hole high above me
Who will make this dust recognizable again
As a life worth living?
It cannot be me, pinned down beneath it all
Will it be you?
Or am I destined to rot and mesh together with the ashes of a broken life
A life that will be forgotten forever more.
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This was good for your first poem.
A few things I noticed though were:
1) Description. You should describe the hole more. The reader knows that there's a hole, but what is it like? How does it feel being trapped in it?
2) Punctuation. Punctuation makes the poem easier to read. Try putting some more commas and periods in it. Also, organizing your stanzas goes a long way.
Hope this helped!
- RedRaven
Thanks guys! I appreciate the feedback and will tweak the poem accordingly.
Ashlyn
Hey personalinsanity!
One thing I would really like to see is more description of the gaping hole. You have all this description of being trapped, but I would love to feel the sensation of falling through the hole... after all, that's what's horrible about the hole, no? Right now, your descriptions don't really lend themselves to this horror, so you might want to tweak it!
That's pretty good for the first poem you wrote, but there are two main issues I have with it. One, is puncutation. Not every line is a sentence, and punctuation in poetry is just as important as it is in prose. Without puncuation, it;s difficult to read as the reader doesn't know how you intended it to sound when read aloud. Also, the flow of the poem could use some work. Some lines were much longer than others, causing breaks in the flow.