Inside

thank you guys for all your help and I will keep it all in mind as I keep writing. I appreciate it!

I loved your poem 'Inside me'. It really expresses your emotions you can't show. I just love it and I hope others do too. I liked how your lines in your stanzas got longer each line. That was really cool. I really liked it.

I think the stanzas in this piece have a lot of meaning to them, but I'd like the poem much more if the structure of each stanza varied more. It just becomes kind of dull after a while, which it should not because of the meaning behind it.

I'd agree, this poem repeats too much. But I think reworking it, it could be a good poem. I like the emotion put in the poem. And a suggest: change "named" in the last stanza to "called". It flows better (In my opinion!).
And Amanda: everyone's opinion counts, no matter if you're new or not.

i liked it but i'm new so i guess it doesnt really count
-amanda

I have to agree with bubblewrapped, the poem didn't really leave an impression on me other than one of faint annoyance. And I don't meant o be rude, not at all, it's just that your structure doesn't add to the poem at all. In fact, it takes away. I encourage you to re-work this poem, because I can definitely tell that it has some strong feelings behind it, and the rawness of it is somewhat appealing, but I feel that it could be WAY more appealing in a less-rigid structure. If you don't want to go completely free-form, alternating between a stanza mirroring this structure and one with another structure or without one would do a lot to stop the reader from disregarding the poem because of its repetition. And don't disregard repetition completely! It can be an incredible device in poetry if not overused.

Keep writing!
Develop your style

Hi personalinsanity,

Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to leave some reviews and get acquainted with the other members; I'm sure they'll be pleased to meet you!

Re: your poem - I have to say that it didn't personally grab me. The problem with a repeating form like this is that, if you go too long without a twist or adding something new to the poem, it becomes stale and the reader loses interest. That's pretty much what happened for me. I think it might be a good idea to trim off a couple of verses and pare it down to those few that are really necessary to get your basic idea across and expand on it a little. That way, the reader is more likely to stick around to hear what you have to say!

Another thing you could think about is adding a bit more imagery. You tell us a lot in this piece: "inside, I feel like x" is pretty much the form of every stanza. The key to good poetry (in my opinion) is getting the reader to feel along with you, rather than just telling them about how you feel - show, rather than tell, in other words. There's a big difference between saying, "I feel angry" and "I am fire: I want to burn," for an example.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

personalinsanity,
This is really deep. I liked reading it. Plus the formal elements in it keep things in line.

Inside
I feel like
I am hopeless
Out of reach of a helping hand.