Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
This world we know;
it's coming to an end.
we're ribbing guns from our pockets,
and we don't know how it's gonna end. All we know is it's starting now.
Everything we've hoped for is dying in the flames.
Will war kill us all? Or will insanity?
we're holding hands, thinking it's our last hope.
Our falling tears pounding on the bloodied pavement.
crashes of thunder, or, shots of guns. The children are frightened.
The parents explain to them it's fireworks they hear.
Men in action are praying, they pray to god that with or without them,
their families will be okay.
red skies cover the moon and stars.
The end is coming.
a man asks his friend if he'd ever seen the world burn before.
The man replies, shaking his head.
His friend points to the sky; showing him.
He soon realizes that the world is coming to an end,
and they are ready.
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Wow. This poem just gave me so much to imagine; I imagined skies burning red in sunset but covered with smoke, and an American city being just a battlefield covered in rubble. I could see children tugging at frowning mothers' skirts, and those mothers staring out the window, patting their little one's back and muttering that it was just fireworks, baby, just fireworks, while their husbands hid in bombed-out buildings and chatted sadly about their lives.
What I'm trying to say is, I love this poem and the tragic imagery it feeds me. The word choice creates room for imagination to take over, and it tells a story the reader gets to flesh out, particularly when it comes to dialogue. It's a beautiful poem, and I'd love to see more from you!
Welcome to YWS! I'm pretty new myself, but you're even newer; today!
Okay, now to the actual stuff.
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Nitpicks--
This is a poem, for sure, but it also very much resembles a story. I would suggest making it less sentence like, because it takes away from its poetyness. (that should be a word). Some examples: and we don't know how it's gonna end. All we know is it's starting now. That is very sentence like; when you have a period on one line in a poem and then continue on the same line, you usually want to change something! The parents explain to them it's fireworks they hear. (Great line by the way, I think it just needs some revising!) Instead of making this like a complete sentence, try making it more poetic. It will flow a lot better.
Don't switch between past and present tense. Ex: a man asks his friend if he'd ever seen the world burn before. It should be: a man asks his friend if HE'S ever seen the world burn before. You also don't need to say on the following line both, the man replies, shaking his head. Either, the man shakes his head, or the man replies by shaking his head, preferably the former.
The whole poem is about how people are despairing as the world ends. That's why the ending confused me. Saying that they were ready is a little out of place, but if you could explain that to me, that'd be great
When you say "crashes of thunder, or, shots of guns" it doesn't flow very well. You might want to try "crashes of thunder, shots of guns" or "crashes of thunder mix with shots of guns" or something of the like.
Emotion. Emotion, emotion, emotion. I felt like this was a bit like a movie trailer and a futuristic novel mixed in, which isn't a bad thing, but maybe you could try to add more emotion? Some really good lines that I loved were:
Our falling tears pounding on the bloodied pavement.
The children are frightened.
The parents explain to them it's fireworks they hear.
I loved these lines because they were great descriptions and had more emotion in them than the rest of the poem. It's a bit condescending, even, to tell us how the world is ending and whatever we hoped for is being lost, and not putting much feeling into it. Try to put more feeling into it.
Also when you say "the parents explain..." (this is a small detail) maybe change it to "the parents tell them" because it's obviously not fireworks, as you stated, it's gunshots and thunder, so they're not exactly explaining (explaining implies that they are telling the truth).
Besides these things, I loved your poem. I also really enjoyed this line, which I thought was very good and interesting.
red skies cover the moon and stars.
Very interesting description! I loved that line.
For a first poem, this was well crafted and descriptive, with good vocabulary such as ribbing, insanity, bloodied, etc. Great job on your first poem! Hope I helped!
Keep writing! xo
+1 (my nickname)
Hey perfectionwriter!
I really like this piece, it has a very lyrical flow to it, despite the heavy content. This contrast makes for a dramatic and succesful peace. I like your use of puntuation, that's always fun to experiment with when writing poetry, and I think your way of putting things together enhanced the flow. I like the first line and the use of the word "This" instead of 'the.'
The only constructive critisism that I have is being careful to not be TOO repetitive, although this can of course be used for effect. I feel that you say the world is coming to an end quite directly a little too often. You could maybe try finding a new way of saying it? This however is just a matter of opinion.
Loved your piece! Keep writing