Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Narrative


The City at the End of the Hall

by penny


k guys, i know it's long...but i really like it...lol. Please read it!! it wants your help desperately!! -penny

The City at the End of the Hall

The lights in the city
always go out first
in a room at the end of a hallway
where a gorgeous red-head,
a beach beauty
and a blue-eyed schemer
dream their days away
with cat naps and Italian cookies.
All three diagnosed
with pre, present and post
menstrual syndrome,
cosmic noise sounds through corridors
as a rite of passge.
Memorization
is always the word of the day
with numbers, times,
addresses and literature;
the sidewalks are always littered with laughter
springing from word games,
the creation of life
and foreign attractions,
but when the last drop of cherry-coke
has been saturated
and all the chocolate chip cookies
have been inhaled-

the lights in the city
always go out first
in the room at the end of a hallway
where the calligrapher
draws out names that have been
ripped from doors
and provides counseling
for the girls that send out
a sum of eight letters everyday
and receive only three in return.
Prayers always come second
to poetry and thank-you notes
and the floor is always covered
in a snow of concert programs,
but when the last word has been written
and the last page has been turned-

the lights in the city
always go out first
in the room at the end of the hallway
where vows have been sworn
and toasts bubbling with sentiment
have been made
along with a few tangos
and a couple of waltzes
after hustling across the dancefloor,
and even though the music has stopped
and everyone has found a chair
except for me,
the lights are all out
in that room at the end of the hallway
and I had the time of my life.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 18

Donate
Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:18 am
penny says...



thanks so much guys, i really really appreciate it! this poem has special significance to me, so it really means a lot that you guys like it! i think that's why it's the best thing i've written (in my opinion)...because every line actually reminds me of a memory and it's not just my thoughts. don't get me wrong, thoughts are good. but they're so much better when there's memory attached to them! thanks again guys! if there's ever any specific piece of yours (i'm talking to all of you) that you want me to read, just pm me and i'd be happy to read it! much love! -penny

alyce- i remember reading it, i think it was the best moment of my life so far. but i dunno what you mean about the happening in result thing...and you were there! you watched me read it silly!




User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 72

Donate
Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:15 am
View Likes
A.O. Avalon wrote a review...



Do you remember the day you read this at Quartz? More importantly, do you remember what happened as a result?

Ahh, we were but children...

Couple of technical things...

but when the last drop of cherry-coke
has been saturated


Something bothers me about saturated. It just seems out of place.

Prayers always come second
to poetry and thank-you notes
and the floor is always covered


The second "and" confused me. I thought it was continueing the thought, not beginning a new one. So maybe cut it?

I love it dear. I just wish I had been there...




User avatar
145 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 145

Donate
Thu Dec 09, 2004 2:53 am
View Likes
Skye wrote a review...



Beautifully written...I love it, especially the repeating 3 lines which have already been quoted numerous times by the time Skye Demon finds this poem. :roll:
Anyways, great poem!

~Skye Demon




User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 24

Donate
Wed Dec 08, 2004 6:08 pm
marzipan wrote a review...



Egad! I love this piece! I looked at it, decided it was too long for my idle brain, scrolled down to the comments, read the stanza quoted, fell in love and read the whole thing twice. I don't have much to add to it - it's pretty freakin' perfect. Dashes - I love dashes - but people have told you that so we won't dwell on it. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I loved all your minute descriptions, just one-word adjectives that say it all. This poem reeks of intelligence and there's a sort of love for mankind that I get from your writing. Just - lovely.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Wed Dec 08, 2004 6:54 am
View Likes
Elelel says...



I love this! Particually the repeated

The lights in the city
always go out first
in a room at the end of a hallway


bit. The dashes are a good idea, and that long line bubble mentioned, but otherwise PERFECT!




User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:24 pm
bubblewrapped says...



You are most welcome, penny :) I like dashes. Pauses without full-stops, changes of ideas, hyphens...lovely dashes LOL. By the way, kudos on the title, too - I love it!




User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 18

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:14 pm
penny says...



dashes! yes! lol. i completely dismissed them awhile ago. I wrote this poem this summer and i think the reason I used commas was because originally the poem didn't have stanzas until i learned that one long poem with no breaks made people not want to read it, lol. typos! thanks very much! I changed that ninth line you were talking about. I thought about taking it out completely but that kind of stopped the flow also. so i put in "Across" unstead of "to the edge of" it's a little bit better i think and it'll do for now until i fix it...again...lol. thanks so much bubble! -penny




User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:38 pm
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Once again, I love it. How do you do that? Maybe a minute amount of polishing to be done in the though...

The lights in the city
always go out first
in a room at the end of a hallway
where a gorgeous red-head,
a beach beauty
and a blue-eyed schemer
dream their days away
with cat naps and Italian cookies.


I adore the whole "the lights in the city/always go out first/in a room at the end of a hallway" thing. Its awesome. And the "catnaps and Italian cookies makes me laugh :)

All three diagnosed
with pre, present and post
menstrual syndrome,
cosmic noise sounds through corridors
as a rite of passge.
Memorization
is always the word of the day
with numbers, times,
addresses and literature;
the sidewalks are always littered with laughter
springing from word games,
the creation of life
and foreign attractions,
but when the last drop of cherry-coke
has been saturated
and all the chocolate chip cookies
have been inhaled,


I'd end this with a dash rather than a comma, but otherwise, I love it. Particularly the "littered with laughter". And the "but when the last..." builds up great suspense. What is with the last drop of beverages thing? LOL its a very effective image, you use it well.

the lights in the city
always go out first
in the room at the end of a hallway
where the calligrapher
draws out names that have been
ripped from doors
and provides counseling
for the girls that send out
a sum of eight letters everyday
and receive only three in return.
Prayers always come second
to poetry and thank-you nots
and the floor is always covered
in a snow of concert programs,
but when the last word has been written
and the last page has been turned,


Again, I'd end with a dash, although it is only personal preference. Also, I think "nots" is supposed to read "notes"? Otherwise, another great stanza. I found the part "prayers always come second/to poetry and thank-you notes" particularly enjoyable. So true!

the lights in the city
always go out first
in the room at the end of the hallway
where vows have been sworn
and toasts bubbling with sentiment
have been made
along with a few tangos
and a couple of waltzes
after hustling to the edge of the dancefloor,
and even though the music has stopped
and everyone has found a chair
except for me,
the lights are all out
in that room at the end of the hallway
and I had the time of my life.


The ending gives me chills. Really. Its brilliant. I would shorten the ninth line of this stanza though, it disturbs the rhythm a bit with its length. And I think there needs to be a hyphen or space in "dancefloor". Not sure. I love the idea of everyone finding a chair except the narrator. And as I already said, the last three lines are superb. I love the repetition of the lights being out and such. You're very good at working repetition in so that it doesnt get boring and lends a deeper meaning to the poem. I really cant find any faults with it. Another great piece! Kudos!





Everything’s edible if you’re immortal.
— Feltrix