Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Romantic


Just A Tragic Flaw

by penny


Quietly sipping her raspberry Italian Soda, Madeleine turned her head in a jerky fashion toward the stairs every time she heard someone begin to ascend them. In the in between times when she wasn’t guarding the steps, she let her eyes and thoughts wander. The raised café let coffee-sippers and latte-drinkers see everything in the store. She watched the little girl with french braids roll around on the ground next to her mother in the travel section. A college student sat at the table across from her continuously flipping through his Calculus textbook. The cashier behind the counter rearranged the chocolate layer cakes and peanut butter cups. And in between each of the scenes, Madeline strained her head toward the stairs to her right hoping to see the only face that made her own light up.

Madeleine had never been the best student in high school, simply because of her tragic flaw of daydreaming, which she counted as a blessing. All it took was one slip of interest and she was somewhere that no one could bring her back from. No one could stare so intently at a dollop of whipped cream as Madeleine found herself doing as she continued to wait. She let herself drift so far that she began second guessing the whole situation. What if he never comes? What if it was all a joke? Why would he do this to me?

In the midst of her game of twenty questions she failed to notice the pair of Nike tennis shoes that had wandered up the stairs and walked to the chair across from her. Tyler sat down in front of her and let his keys drop un subtly onto the table. He saw Madeleine’s eyelashes flinch secretively, but she showed no other signs of acknowledgment. He began running his car keys under his fingernails, the keys to the car that would take him half way across the country to a university tomorrow at seven a.m.

What if I never see him again? No, Madeleine, stop it. He’ll come, you know he will.

Tyler gave in to his better judgement and began to speak, though the person he needed to be listening was not.

“Madeleine” he hesitated with a sigh.

She blinked.

What if he’s already left? I’m sure he’s already left, even if he hasn’t would you actually tell him something like that? That’s just ridiculous, Maddie. She continued to stare unknowingly into the box of air in front of her eyes.

“Madeleine, I know we haven’t had the greatest friendship, and it’s been pretty rough when we tried to make it more.”

Could I really tell him? And him believe me?

“I’ve tried and tried continuously to have you content with me, but it never worked.”

I’ve got to, haven’t I? I mean, he’s leaving tomorrow. Wait. Maybe if I tell him, he’ll stay.

“I’m leaving tomorrow morning no matter what goes on here today,”

He’s got to believe me, hasn’t he? And he’ll stay. Of course he will.

But I just want you to know that I love you.”

Madeleine’s thoughts still chased each other around her head and Tyler stared at her sullenly waiting patiently for the response he desired, or any response at all. But she continued to stare. He let the only tear he possessed slip from his eye as he gathered his keys, paused standing, and then made his way out the door.

Madeleine’s thoughts stopped abruptly when she thought she heard keys jingling beside her. Okay, I’ll tell him.

She slipped out of her delirium and continued her habit of turning her head back and forth between the steps and the people around her, waiting with a smile to tell him that she loved him.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 593
Reviews: 67

Donate
Wed Aug 04, 2010 7:41 pm
PandaRawr wrote a review...



This was not the best story I've seen. But take into consideration that I am hardly ever really impressed. Writing can always be improved. Obviously no one can be so deep into their own thoughts without mental problems. But other than that if they had actually had the conversation then it would have been a better story.

Until next time, Stay In Love With Love.




User avatar
85 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 85

Donate
Sun Apr 10, 2005 5:13 pm
View Likes
Chanson wrote a review...



Wow, I really liked this. I suppose, even more then the writing (which was good), I just loved the idea. It totally infuriated me (I wanted to scream at her to LOOK THE HELL UP) but it made sense.

Very cool.

A little more development for Tyler's character would have been good because seeing as I had no idea what kind of guy he was, I couldn't really feels orry for him when he was crying.




Random avatar

Points: 1212
Reviews: 241

Donate
Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:19 pm
Harley says...



Great title, I loved it. The main character is a little like me, 'cuz she is observant. Needs a little work in some places but overall a nice little story. Are you going to continue it, or is it a one-off?




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Sat Mar 26, 2005 5:57 pm
View Likes
Kay Kay says...



I liked it. Very amusing and I can relate to the character. I didn't see any mistakes besides the ones that everyone else did. Can't wait to read more!




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed Mar 16, 2005 11:05 pm
View Likes
Mattie says...



I too like this and hope to read more from you! I like the main character and the characters Sam had said she had liked. Your discriptions are vivid and imagery good too. Like everyone else said, I found this good and amusing!




User avatar
148 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Donate
Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:24 am
ohhewwo says...



I could relate in that I know how it feels to not be able to tell some one something you need them to know. I'm also a day dreamer, as well. Good story. Keep it up.




User avatar
1258 Reviews


Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Donate
Sat Jan 08, 2005 8:15 pm
View Likes
Sam wrote a review...



I know...it was really cool. Your descriptions are very vivid, and I like how the main character notices everything. Like the girl with the French braids and the guy behind the counter rearranging pastries. :D I couldn't really find anything to critique, so great job.




User avatar


Points: 690
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:58 pm
missclassic says...



this is a very intriguing story. i adore it. as a daydreamer myself, i was able to connect and relate myself to this character. job well done.




User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 44

Donate
Fri Dec 10, 2004 5:43 pm
View Likes
WinterGrimm wrote a review...



the little girl with french braids

Capitalize French

Tyler gave in to his better judgement and began to speak

judgment

Quietly sipping her raspberry Italian Soda, Madeleine turned her head in a jerky fashion toward the stairs every time she heard someone begin to ascend them.

Madeleine quietly sipped her rasberry Italian soda. (Unless Italian Soda is a brand name I don't think you need to capitalize soda) Everytime someone would ascend the starcase she would turn her head quickly to assess them. (I think assess is the word you're looking for)

In the in between times when she wasn’t guarding the steps, she let her eyes and thoughts wander.

Very wordy and confusing try something like.... "When she wasn't guarding the steps she let her eyes and thoughts wander."

The raised café let coffee-sippers and latte-drinkers see everything in the store.

Here is an excellent example of an active sentence.

Cute little story. To be honest I thought I'd have a laundry list of passive sentences to fix but you really kept it to a minimum. Was she watching the stairs because that's how people get to the coffee shop. My impression was that the shop was on a second floor. I'd like a better picture of that. Also I had a hard time trying to figure out how Madeiline could miss Tyler when he's sitting right in front of her. Plus I thought she was on a barstool by the counter. I think it would work a little better for me if Tyler was standing behind her or even sitting next to her. Also when he comes in the point of view changes but I didn't notice it being abrupt or confusing. So in this instance I had no problem with it, but in the future be careful of abrupt point of view changes because they can be very confusing.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Wed Dec 08, 2004 5:15 am
View Likes
Elelel wrote a review...



Interesting! And amusing! It's really good, there are a few places that could use work, but overall it's good. It was well aranged with her thoughts, and his conversation... though I wonder if she really would have not noiced him. But then, I suppose I've daydreamed and no noticed a conversation going on around me.

But I just want you to know that I love you.”


Here you forgot to put a " at the beginning.

Quietly sipping her raspberry Italian Soda, Madeleine turned her head in a jerky fashion toward the stairs every time she heard someone begin to ascend them.


I'm not sure assend is the right word for this, but I can't think of a better one right now.

That's all I spotted, I look forward to reading more from you!





“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author