Young Writers Society

You know, this strikes me more as prose than poetry. It's very descriptive and well-written, but the lack of poetic techniques and rhythm lead me to seeing it more as prose.

pegasi_quill wrote:A Leap through Time

Coffee-tinted patches splay
across the horse's milky
body. Snowy strands weave
between the black threads
of its mane. A glassy eye
glares as you dare enter
his domain[s], his stall[/s]. - As wisemann120 said, it's not really necessary.
Ears flatten dangerously
along his graceful head.
The welcome is less than warm. - Think this goes better after 'ears'.

The world seems wilder
[s]up[/s] From [s]this[/s] the vantage point
of the deep, comfortable saddle.
Closer to what's natural.
Urge him forward, faster,
and enjoy the ride.

Legs clamped tightly
against his sides, his stride
lengthens, breaks into a canter.
Limbs stretched out, nostrils flared
as he picks up speed. Quicker
and [s]swifter[/s] quicker, constant acceleration
to reach the velocity of freedom. - Love!

- Wasn't sure about 'swifter' but on second thoughts it could work fine.

And there it stands, - In my opinion, 'And' is fine at the beginning - it's effective.
growing by the second,
more menacing with every leap.
The jump rises up at you;
time to straighten your mount.
The canter turns to a rhythmic
pounding of hooves.

Muscles tense, bunched together
as the flow of the run
is replaced with flight.
A perfect take-off. - Wasn't sure how to break up these lines, but I wanted this on its own. Of course, this wouldn't matter if it became prose.
The neck before you bends
in an arch of grace. Give him
the reins, let him fly and carry - Great.
you through the air, safely
to the other side. Softly,
he lands, so you barely feel
the hooves touch the ground. - I hear the 'the' in there. but that's just me.

A grin visits your features - Don't like 'visits', or 'grin' actually. 'Grin' seems too tame for the adrenaline rush she gets from making the jump. Maybe rephrase slightly?
as he continues to race
with the wind. The moment
you spend eluding gravity
is perfect; nothing else exists,
nothing, but your leap through time.

A Leap through Time

Coffee-tinted patches splay

across the horse's milky

body. Snowy strands weave

between the black threads

of its mane. A glassy eye

glares as you dare enter

his domain, his stall.

The welcome is less than warm

ears flatten dangerously

along his graceful head.

The world seems wilder

up from this vantage point

of the deep, comfortable saddle.

Closer to what's natural.

Urge him forward, faster

and enjoy the ride.

Legs clamped tightly

against his sides, his stride

lengthens, breaks into a canter.

Limbs stretched out, nostrils flared

as he picks up speed. Quicker

and swifter, constant acceleration

to reach the velocity of freedom.

Great imagery! But I don't like the last line 'to reach the velocity of freedom'
I get what your trying to say but Maybe you could word it differently, like this :

'To reach the speed of freedom.'

Velocity is the constant motion in one direction, which is sometimes confused with speed, Velocity is the wrong word choice here and plus, Speed just sounds better anyway!

And there it stands

growing by the second,

more menacing with every leap.

The jump rises up at you;

time to straighten your mount.

The canter turns to a rhythmic

pounding of hooves.

Muscles tense, bunched together

as the flow of the run is replaced

with flight. A perfect take-off

the neck before you bends

in an arch of grace. Give him

the reins, let him fly and carry

you through the air, safely

to the other side. Softly,

he lands, so you barely feel

the hooves touch ground.

A grin visits your features

as he continues to race

with the wind. The moment

you spend eluding gravity

is perfect; nothing else exists,

nothing, but your leap through time.

Oh no! Pegasi quill, why, why did you write this right after the amazing stanza
This stanza makes me sad because of how the last stanza was so well written.

But don't fear because Wisemann is here!

The moment

you spend eluding gravity

is perfect; nothing else exists,

Now that would be a perfect ending to a good poem.

Please use it!

I give all of the things that i mentioned, to you, you can use them to substitute them into your poem

It is not plagerism if i give you the rights to use them!

This was a very good poem, and it could be great, Just use the ideas i gave to you

You don't have to though

Hope i helped