*updated December 1, 2014
What does he yearn for,
when the rooster cries?
Stricken with grief,
mistaken for pride.
But he's locked in a coop
with nowhere to hide,
and once he is old
he knows he'll die.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello, pearlified! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
I liked this poem a lot! Your rhymes were flawless. They did not seem forced or stretched. And your meter was perfect! Although there weren't many words, you packed plenty of feeling into eight lines. You did a really nice job! Your spelling and grammar were all correct.
I did think that using capitalization and punctuation, while not being necessary, it could add a bit more power to your poem.
In order to avoid using a period to separate your stanzas, there is a trick on YWS. When you are writing and you don't want to start a new stanza but do want to start a new line, hold down SHIFT + ENTER. This will single-space the lines, instead of double-spacing them as they are written now. When you want to start a new stanza and need a break between them, just press ENTER without the shift and it will be double-spaced. I know formatting is tricky on this site, but you'll get used to it!
I hope you post some more works on this site soon because you are a talented writer! I enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem.
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders
Aww thank you! cx I'll start capitalizing and add some punctuation to the piece.
THANK YOU for the tip on the formatting! <3
may i just say that this rhythm is flawless? Actually, it would be except for the last line... 'he knows he'll die'. it's an easy fix though. if you add a 'that' between 'knows' and 'he'll', then it will be COMPLETELY FLAWLESS without virtually anything changed.
you're a good writer,
just keep swimming!
awwhh thank you!
I'll change it asap ^w^
aww you guys are all so nice cx
i never thought that this would get such great responses - i spent maybe fifteen minutes at most working on this, and 75% of that time was spent texting.
yws is so nice xx
Hey, there nycto here.
I love how this poem is simple yet conveys the emotions perfectly. I like how you could make simple everyday situations into poetry. I like this quality in your poem, it is simple and great.
The rhyming, for me, is what stands out the most. It made the flow go easy and enjoyable to read. I also loved the last two lines of the first stanza, it builds up the emotion- it's like the climax of the poem. It made all the words on the second stanza stronger for me to feel.
Like someone said below, this poem could also reflect the normal human life. Us humans, easily misunderstood, locked inside a cage of mindsets and opinions. We have death looking right into our eyes and there is nowhere to hide.
Overall, great work. Keep on writing! I'll be following you from now on.
yayyy, my first actual follower! c; aww, thank you for all those comments! I'm actually very very pleased and somewhat surprised at the great feedback I got about this poem. :3
This is...very unsettlingly inspiring.
I love it when people take a small topic, write a SMALL poem, but still seem to make it great! XD
With your wording, it doesn't seem like it has ANY mistakes. It's actually really hard to not make a mistake while writing a very, very short poem, though it may not seem like it is very hard.
I've actually tried before, but I ended up failing, and making the poem WAY longer than I was originally trying to.
The rooster kind of reminds me of somebody I used to know, who was always in the same place, as if he couldn't leave. He was filled with loss, and stopped up with pain, and he ended up losing track of time, and dying where he lived.
(Person is my great grandfather, actually.)
He was cooped up on his little farm, on bed-rest, because he had been diagnosed with cancer, but he didn't want to do anything about it. He said he wanted to die on his farm, with his crops, 3 chickens, 1 rooster, 1 pig, and his only horse. He wasn't sure when his time was going to come, and when it finally did, I felt as if he could've done more, could've tried to medicate the cancer, and get it out of his system, since it was a low stage of the disease.
But he didn't.
What I'm actually trying to say is, my great grandfather reminded me of a rooster. xD
Just kidding.
I kind of rambled on with that subject, and I apologize, I've been told that I go way too far with stuff like this, but that's okay!
Anyways, great poem.
I'm waiting to see more from you!
~Shiny
jesus. I'm so sorry. both of my grand parents (on my dad's side) died of cancer as well. thank you for the sweet comments though c:
This is DEEP! xD
I love on how the rooster's terrifying feeling is revealing throughout the poem, Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes are like the perfect melody in my eyes, ears and heart. This is really fantastic!
Terrifying feeling, Grief and fear is reflecting.
I love this poem because none of us humans like suffering from grief. Grieving is a terrifying feeling to all of us and this rooster just made it more terrifying than anyone could ever imagine!
I love your work! Keep writing! Keep up the great work!
awww you're so nice xx thank you! c:
Hey, Dbrick here for a review! Congrats by the way, it looks like this is your first poem on YWS. I like the rhyming in this poem, it isn't the stereotypical "every other line rhymes". The lines "when the rooster cries, stricken with grief, mistaken for pride" are filled with truth; often when we are scared or grieving we become insecure and begin to have a prideful air about us in order to try to offset the grief. However, your poem never answers what the rooster yearns for; I assume the rooster longs for life, but it feels incomplete without you addressing that. Your first and second paragraphs seemed conflicting, with the first paragraph seeming to describe a situation where the rooster is in danger, whereas the second describes the rooster dying an old death while locked away. Keep writing!
aha I've been getting better at moving away from the "stereotypical rhyming." Honestly this poem was a bit of fun, and I suppose the author of the poem (well, me) is simply wondering about the rooster, and thoughts sort of vanish, I guess? Thank you though! I'm happy for the pointers! c: