It's morning;
the sun hasn't risen yet
and my head hurts tremendously.
The after effects of beer,
I suppose,
but at least I was able
to forget you for quite a while.
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Canary word: Present
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140,385 Literary Works • 673,138 Reviews
Hi there,
Here's a last minute review for you!
I could see this being the first stanza to a wonderful poem, but just this doesn't convey all that much. I can see that "you" are the first thing back to the narrator's mind after the effect's of beer, but what does it make the narrator feel? There's a tiredness to the writing...tell us if it's emotional or physical. So much could be written about and the more I think about it the more I want to hear more about it.
Good luck and keep writing!
the grey reality
Hello, pearlified! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
The title of this poem intrigued me, but I was a bit dissapointed by the piece. It could have used some more description or inner thoughts of the speaker. I know poems don't need to be long, but when it is this short is has to carry a lot in the few words. I didn't think this poem carried much meaning. If you talked about why the speaker has to get over the other person, elaborated a little more on the setting, etc. it could be a very good poem! You did have a good use of punctuation. Also, make sure you have a solid meter to your poem. As I've often been told, poetry is meant to be read aloud. That is, if it doesn't have a good beat, it won't sound right. So work on the meter, elaborate on details a bit, and you would have a great poem! You have a good start, but it could be better.
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders
Hey! ^_^ this is a really interesting peice, but, are you sure it's a poem? There isn't much of a rhyming scheme, and even though I know a lot of poems don't rhyme, most poems tell a story. This seems to be more of a letter than a poem, but it's still written really well.
Excellent job! ^_^
I'd love an elaboration or a #2, though. That'd be cool! Like, why are they trying to forget the person? Don't they know alcoholism is bad? Stuff like that.
Thanks for posting, and I hope you have an awesome, awesome day! ^_^
Pst, poetry is actually anything that isn't prose~ Pretty much anything can be a poem. It can be one line or a thousand, rhyme or not rhyme, tell a story or be completely fragmented.
And you for reading my work and reviewing! ^.^
Like queereleves said, poetry has many different forms.
I didn't pay as much attention to rhyming as I usually do, instead, I looked at syllable count. The syllables for each line read 3, 7, 8, 7, 3, 7, 8. When graphed, the syllables create a sort of hill-shape pattern, rather than erratic ups and downs.
I was just experimenting with this, is all. c:
Oooh, I might make a whole series of little poems! :3
Of course alcoholism is bad, but alcohol is frightfully enticing and pleasurable, and most resort to drunkeness to get their mind off less-than-desirable situations and subjects.
Thank you! I had a pretty good day; I hope you have an amazing day as well! ^.^
Hey,
This is a good poem, it really is. I appreciate your use of punctuation it helped your story come alive, at least to me. However, I get the feeling this is more of a note then a poem seeing as it doesn't really rhyme. I would love to know a bit more about this poem as well. I'm pretty sure the inspiration had to come from somewhere and I always enjoy finding out why a author did a certain thing. I wish it was longer but really nice use of vocabulary as well. I hope to read more of your works in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope.
As mentioned earlier, poems absolutely do not have to rhyme. In fact, most don't.
Thank you for reading and reviewing though! ^.^
Well it was a good one.
But did u write that for someone?
I mean whom do u want to forget?
Anyway that was a good one.
Great!